Werewolf and Metamorph
by LavenderBrown
Summary: COMPLETED. Lupin's life changes irrevocably when he meets a young, clumsy witch named Tonks. Rated R for language, violence, sexual situations and mature themes. Spoilers for OotP. Please RR!
1. Chapter One: The Advance Guard

Werewolf and Metamorph  
  
SUMMARY: A "what-if" story about Lupin and Tonks that takes place before and during Harry's fifth year. Rated R for language, violence, sexuality and adult themes.  
  
DISCLAIMER: J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury, Warner Bros., Scholastic, etc. own Harry Potter et. al.  
  
Chapter One: The Advance Guard  
  
Remus Lupin entered Number 12 Grimmauld Place on the afternoon of 31 July feeling rather more tired than he would have liked. Tonight was the night he was going to fetch Harry Potter from his Muggle relatives and bring him back here, to headquarters, where at last Harry might understand just what had been happening for the past several weeks.  
  
Lupin's fatigue could not be helped, however. He was always tired after a transformation, always drained. The potion he took-liberally but grudgingly supplied by Severus Snape-helped, but it could not cure him. Nothing could cure him. All the potion could do was make him less dangerous, to himself, to others.  
  
Not that this fact had helped him much in the past two years. Since leaving Hogwarts School, after resigning the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, he'd had trouble finding employment. Word of his condition had leaked out, and nobody seemed to keen to hire him, even if he was a very capable wizard. Lupin's lack of a job meant that he was having to rely on the kindness of his closest friends and allies. He was grateful but he hated it, hated having to sponge off others when he was fit in body-well, mostly-as well as in mind.  
  
One wouldn't know that Lupin was healthy to look at him, however. He had the look of someone who was constantly underfed; at 37 his face still retained the vestiges of youth; his blue-grey eyes were bright and when he smiled-which was rarely-there was rather a look of boyishness in his features. But his sandy hair was heavily streaked with grey, and his skintone ran to the ashen. Side effects of his condition. As a boy he'd been the picture of health and vitality. Now...  
  
"Remus!" A voice called to him in a kind of loud whisper.  
  
Lupin turned at the sound of the voice. Sirius Black crossed over to him and shook his hand vigorously.  
  
"Good to see you, friend," said Lupin, smiling one of his rare smiles. "You're looking well, under the circumstances."  
  
Sirius smiled; he was looking better, all things considered. A year ago he'd been hiding in a cave, living off rats and wearing rags. Now his hair was trimmed and clean; his clothes were old but freshly laundered. Traces of the masculine beauty he'd had in such abundance as a teenager could still be seen beneath the lines around his eyes and mouth, and the dark circles and gaunt appearance that had been his for over a decade were mostly gone.  
  
"You look like hell," said Sirius, grinning. "But I suppose that's not surprising."  
  
Lupin nodded; Sirius was, of course, perfectly aware of Lupin's condition; he had known about it since they became friends, all those years ago.  
  
"Wish I could go with you," said Sirius, his eyes going dark with bitterness.  
  
"You know why-"  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Sirius impatiently, waving a hand.  
  
There was a moment of silence; Sirius looked at the floor. Lupin knew how Sirius must be feeling right then. Harry was Sirius's godson; James's son.  
  
"I just don't understand," said Sirius slowly, "why Dumbledore would send him back to those people. After what happened. The poor kid...he's...what's he feeling right now? After seeing Cedric Diggory die?"  
  
"He hasn't mentioned it in his letters?" Lupin asked.  
  
"You know Harry," said Sirius, rolling his eyes, but there was only affection in his voice. "Damn kid's just like his father. Thinks if he shows any kind of vulnerability he'll look weak. Stupid, isn't it?"  
  
"Stupid, but human," said Lupin, remembering how upset Harry had been in his third year, when the Dementors had plagued him so badly.  
  
"And dammit," said Sirius, his voice hardening, but still staying quite low, "now we find out two Dementors went after Harry and that cousin of his? And I STILL have to sit here and wait for him while you go fetch him."  
  
Lupin said nothing, but put a hand on his friend's shoulder. He understood only too well the depth of Sirius's feelings for Harry, the sense of responsibility he felt toward his godson. All those years in Azkaban; Harry hadn't even known about Sirius until he'd broken out of the prison and sought him out. And Lupin knew the one thing Sirius wanted more than anything was for Harry to come live with him. But Dumbledore insisted Harry could not. For some reason-unbeknownst to everyone else-Harry was required to go back to those horrible Muggle relatives. The only thing Lupin knew about why Harry had to endure this was that Dumbledore had said once, and only once, that it was "safe."  
  
So safe, thought Lupin wryly, that two Dementors showed up and attacked him.  
  
"Hello, Lupin, Black." A gruff voice caused both Lupin and Sirius to come out of their own reveries. Alastor Moody-who was known to everyone as Mad- Eye, stood between them, his jaw set.  
  
Moody was perhaps one of the oldest Aurors left at the Ministry. A legendary Dark Wizard catcher, Moody was a walking, talking example of the concept of battle scars. Where one of his legs ought to be there was a heavy wooden peg. A large chunk of his nose had been gouged out. And then there was the reason for his nick-name. While one of his eyes, dark and glittering, was a normal human eye, the other was a magical eye, blue and piercing and made of glass that allowed Moody to literally see out of the back of his head. Beyond this, the eye allowed him to see through disguises, surfaces, concealments and Invisibility Cloaks.  
  
"Hello, Alastor," said Lupin, shaking Moody's hand.  
  
"I hear you'll be leading the Guard tonight," said Moody, "to pick up the Potter boy."  
  
"Yes," said Lupin. "I take it you've volunteered."  
  
"Course I have," said Moody. "Somebody's got to make sure procedures are followed. Can't count on it with some of these other folks. They're all too bloody star-struck at the thought of meeting the kid."  
  
"I can't imagine why," said Sirius dryly. Harry had only been famous since he was a year old, and his fame had only increased now that he'd managed to successfully defeat or escape Voldemort four times.  
  
"Yes, well," said Moody, "we don't need these folks fawning on him. This is a serious operation, and dangerous to boot. Can't have people losin' their heads."  
  
"I'm sure everyone will do their duties just fine, Alastor," said Lupin reassuringly. Moody's response to this was to snort and hobble away.  
  
"Lot of volunteers tonight," said Sirius, and Lupin turned his attention to the crowd of wizards and witches slowly filing in through the front door of Grimmauld Place.  
  
"Hmm," said Lupin thoughtfully. "Safety in numbers, I suppose. But we can't have too many or it'll be chaos."  
  
"Moody won't allow that," said Sirius, grinning. "You ask me, he should be the one leading this operation, not you."  
  
"Are you impugning my leadership abilities?" Lupin said, amused. "Besides, if we let Alastor take over we'd spend twelve hours just circling round Surrey."  
  
"Paranoid, he is," said Sirius. "But then, I suppose we all should be a bit paranoid these days."  
  
There was another pause; the hum of soft voices was permeating the room now. Nobody was talking out loud, for very good reason. Many of the portraits hanging in the house had a tendency to shriek when their subjects were awakened, as Lupin had learned the first time he came here.  
  
"Well," said Sirius, "I guess I'm no use here. I'll head back down to the kitchen, see if Arthur or Bill need my input on anything." He nodded to Lupin and started toward the stairs leading down to the huge basement-level kitchen.  
  
"Sirius," said Lupin. "Harry'll be here soon. We won't let anything happen to him."  
  
Sirius nodded; his throat seemed to be working a bit hard at swallowing. He turned and started down the stairs.  
  
Lupin watched him go for a moment, then turned his attention to the wizards and witches gathered in the foyer. He recognized most of them, and with the noted exception of Mundungus Fletcher, all of them had to be Ministry employees. Mundungus had a reputation as a shady sort of character; in Muggle parlance he'd have been known as a con artist. But Mundungus had his uses; his acquaintance with the criminal elements in London and the surrounding environs meant he had an "in" with certain wizards and witches that honest Ministry employees could never hope to gain.  
  
Lupin's eyes traveled to the others in the crowd. He spotted Kingsley Shacklebolt at once. Kingsley was a very tall, broad, muscular black wizard, with a shaved head and a gold hoop earring; even in plain black wizard robes there was an air of an African chieftain about him. Lupin recognized Emmeline Vance, a tall, regal looking witch who wore a green shawl. There was Deadulus Diggle, a slight, squeaky-voiced wizard; Elphias Doge, ancient but spry; Sturgis Podmore, a blocky, square-jawed wizard with straw-colored hair; and Hestia Jones, a plump, pink-faced witch with black hair.  
  
Not a bad bunch, thought Lupin, as he started toward them. It would be time to leave soon and he wanted to address them beforehand. He was halfway to the crowd when he heard a muffled sort of squeak and something fell toward him. Or rather, someone.  
  
Instinctively Lupin reached out, catching the witch before she fell into him and knocked them both over.  
  
"Sorry," said the witch, righting herself and taking a small step back from him.  
  
"It's all right," said Lupin, looking at the witch who'd nearly bowled him over. She was young-no older than twenty-two, perhaps. Her youth set her apart from the rest of the crowd, along with her very pretty heart-shaped face and sparkling, dark brown eyes. Then there was the fact that she wasn't wearing robes but had them draped over her arm. She instead had on jeans--which Lupin couldn't help but notice fit her very nicely-a pale grey jumper, a black leather jacket, and motorcycle boots. But perhaps the most striking thing about her was her hair: it was short, spiky and rather vividly purple.  
  
"I don't believe we've met," said Lupin, extending his hand. "Remus Lupin."  
  
"Yeah, I know," she said. "I've heard about you from Kingsley. Sorry about nearly mowing you down. I'm a right klutz most of the time."  
  
She was talking a bit fast and looking a bit nervous; she smiled shyly up at him and her cheeks went pink.  
  
"Anyway," she went on, "my name's Tonks."  
  
"Tonks," Lupin repeated. "An unusual name. But it sounds familiar."  
  
"My mum's Andromeda Tonks," said Tonks. "Sirius's cousin, actually."  
  
"Ah," said Lupin. "I've never met your mother, I'm afraid. But...surely you have a first name."  
  
"Yeah, unfortunately," said Tonks, rolling her eyes. "But I don't use it because it's bloody ridiculous."  
  
"It can't be any worse than Remus," said Lupin.  
  
"Oh, it can," said Tonks fervently.  
  
"I'm afraid you've piqued my curiosity," said Lupin, rather enjoying talking to this young witch. "I'm going to have to ask you-"  
  
"It's Nymphadora," she said quickly, lowering her voice so much that he almost didn't hear her. She was looking at him with a defiant expression. "Okay? But as far as you or anyone else is concerned, I'm called Tonks. I haven't been called by my first name in years and I prefer to keep it that way."  
  
"I don't see why," said Lupin. "Nymphadora is a very...colorful name. Rather like you." He nodded toward her purple hair.  
  
"Yeah, well, I hate it," she said. "The name, not the hair. So, if you don't mind-"  
  
"Tonks it is," said Lupin, holding up his hands. "I take it you're working at the Ministry," he added, noting the plain black robes that were draped over her arm.  
  
"Yeah," she said, grinning. "I'm an Auror. Year out of my training. It's a cool bit of work, even if top brass at the Ministry are behaving like prats at the moment. What about you? What's your line of work?"  
  
Lupin grimaced. "I'm-between jobs," he said stiffly, not wanting to talk about his rather desperate financial circumstances, and suddenly hating that his robes were so shabby, that he looked so damn poor.  
  
"Right," said Tonks, having the grace not to push this subject. "So, I guess we should-"  
  
"Right," said Lupin, coming back to himself. He smiled at Tonks and then turned to the crowd.  
  
"All right, then," he said, his voice in as loud a whisper as he dared. Amazingly, everyone in the foyer heard him and stopped talking at once. "You all know why you're here. We're going to head out the back door and await the single to head off. It's a bit of a long journey to Surrey, I'm afraid."  
  
"What about the Muggles?" Moody asked gruffly. "We can't very well show up at their doorstep while they're at home."  
  
Lupin opened his mouth to answer and then stopped. He had completely forgotten about that part of things. How could he have let something so important slip his mind?  
  
It's my bloody condition, he thought bitterly. After every transformation my memory feels like it's been wiped out.  
  
"Taken care of," said a female voice. It was Tonks. "I put in a call to their house, told them they won a lawn competition. People like that, they ate it up. They'll be gone for hours."  
  
"You know how to use a felly-tone?" wheezed Elphias Doge.  
  
"Telephone," corrected Tonks. "My dad's a Muggle, so yeah. But we're all set with Harry's Muggles, so don't sweat it." She said this last to Lupin and smiled.  
  
Lupin smiled back at her, and the guilt and bitterness that had begun to nag him upon realizing his error receded just a bit.  
  
"Right then," said Lupin, feeling his confidence return a bit. "Let's get our brooms and head outside."  
  
The lot of them followed Lupin through the ground floor parlor and back through a laundry room, then out the door to the back yard. Along the way they It was a rather huge space, considering the house itself was right in London. But then, Lupin knew Muggles wouldn't be able to see this yard at all, just as they wouldn't be able to see the house.  
  
The late afternoon sun was slowly sinking away, but the heat of the day lingered. Lupin immediately felt his robes become heavy, but he resisted the urge to take them off. Once airborne the temperature would drop considerably.  
  
The group of them gathered round in a kind of circle, holding their brooms but saying nothing. There was a frisson of anticipation in the air now; very soon they would get a signal letting them know it was time to fly, that it would be safe to do so, that no Muggles would notice eight people flying in the air on broomsticks.  
  
Nobody spoke for several minutes; there seemed to be nothing else to say. The mission was simple-pick up Harry Potter at Number Four Privet Drive in Little Whinging, Surrey, and bring him back to headquarters. But the simplicity of the mission belied its importance. Of the eight wizards and witches standing in the yard, waiting to fly off and retrieve Harry from his relatives, only Lupin was fully aware of just how important delivering him safely really was. Naturally, everyone knew Harry was famous, that he was important, but only Lupin really knew the whole truth at that moment.  
  
The truth was that the very future of the magical world depended on Harry Potter staying safe, staying alive. The truth was that if Harry were lost, they were all lost. None of the others knew this right then; Dumbledore had not wanted to share everything with so many people so quickly-the Order was still in a relative state of infancy; new recruits were appearing daily, but with every new recruit brought the risk of exposure, the risk of chaos. The Order needed as many people as it could get, but the more people it brought in, the greater the chance it might fall apart. As such, Dumbledore was keeping a strict hold on information until things could become more organized, more settled. Until the newer members of the Order of the Phoenix could be proven trustworthy.  
  
Almost unconsciously Lupin let his eyes wander to the young witch, Tonks. Her eyes met his and she smiled. It was a warm, friendly, open kind of smile. The compelling kind of smile that inspired trust.  
  
Lupin smiled briefly at her and looked away, not liking where his mind was wandering. On the one hand he felt inexplicably drawn to this young witch, with her sparkling brown eyes and her bright purple hair. He closed his eyes and shook his head slightly, already recognizing his prejudice. He wanted to trust her because she was pretty, because she was young, because she didn't look as though life's cruelties had quite touched her yet. Somebody so lovely couldn't be anything but good, could she?  
  
"You're wondering about Tonks, aren't you?"  
  
Lupin blinked and his head shot round to the gruff voice in his ear. It was Moody. Damn him and his magic eye!  
  
"Well," said Lupin slowly, looking at the ground and horrified to feel heat creeping up his neck, "yes. She's not part of the old crowd, is she? Any new members..."  
  
"She's trustworthy," said Moody. "I'd bet my own life on it. And she's a damn good Auror, too, when she's not tripping over her own two feet. So don't you go worryin' about her. She's the last person to betray what we're doin'."  
  
"If you're vouching for her," said Lupin, relieved that the heat in his neck was receding, "that has to mean she can be trusted."  
  
Moody grunted, nodded, and hobbled off. Lupin let out a breath he hadn't been aware of holding.  
  
At that moment it happened. Red light filled the sky; Lupin's eyes traveled to the source and saw distant sparks.  
  
"That's the signal, everyone," he said quickly. "Mount up." He mounted his broom. The others followed suit. Lupin saw Tonks fling a leg carelessly over her broom, stumble, and right herself. He wondered vaguely how she could be a good Auror if she was so clumsy, then figured she must have some hidden talents that he couldn't discern.  
  
Green light filled the sky just then, and Lupin hissed, "Let's go." He kicked off from the ground and floated into the air, sensing the others behind him, and then he and his companions zoomed off south, toward Little Whinging, to rescue the Boy Who Lived. 


	2. Chapter Two: Rescuing Harry

DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter et. al. belongs to J.K. Rowling, etc.  
  
Chapter Two: Rescuing Harry  
  
The night air did indeed turn chill as Lupin and the rest of the Advance Guard made their way to Little Whinging. Lupin pulled his robes more tightly around his shoulders, but it did little to warm him. He had always been more susceptible to extremes in temperature, ever since becoming afflicted. His eyes drifted across the cloudy sky. One week from now, it would happen again, he thought. One week...  
  
A small chiming sound reached Lupin's ears and he blinked; it was time. He reached into the pocket of his robes with his left hand and pulled a small flask from it. Very carefully he removed the cork and down the contents of the flask.  
  
"Drinking on the job, are you?"  
  
Lupin sat up sharply, which caused his broom to jerk; he nearly dropped the flask as he righted himself.  
  
Tonks had flown up next to him; she had her robes on now and they were tightly wrapped around her; the wind rustled her purple hair.  
  
"Uh, no," said Lupin quickly. "Just a...a restorative tonic. I've been...ill." He quickly shoved the empty flask back into his robes, grateful that it was dark and that Tonks couldn't see the reddening of his face and ears. He wasn't sure why he couldn't bring himself to just tell her the truth. Chances were she already knew; most everyone else who knew him did. Chances were, Sirius had told her. But somehow, he couldn't tell her. Especially not now, not when the weak moonlight nevertheless illuminated her pale skin like that.  
  
"You did look a bit pale back at the house," Tonks commented. "You sure you should be out flying?"  
  
"I'm fine," Lupin said stiffly. "I'm not ill anymore, just tired. In any case I promised Sirius."  
  
"Right," said Tonks, seeming to understand that Lupin had no desire to discuss his physical condition with her. "Sirius is real fond of Harry, he talks about that kid all the time. What's he like, anyway?"  
  
Lupin looked at her for a moment and considered. "Harry is...complicated. He's a tough young man, resilient. Smart, too, and very capable. He has tremendous talent, some of his skills are more advanced than most adult wizards. But he's been through a lot more than most, had to suffer quite a lot. It's been hard on him, having to live with those Muggles. I've never met them but I've heard enough to know they're terrible to him. They hate him for being a wizard, hate everything his being a wizard stands for."  
  
Tonks shook her head. "Poor bloke. A right shame, that is, for Muggles to feel that way. Just as bad as pure-bloods who don't like Muggles, isn't it?"  
  
Lupin nodded. "If there's one thing I've learned all too well, it's that prejudice doesn't discriminate."  
  
Tonks laughed. "Good one. So I guess your parents are-"  
  
"I'm a pure-blood, yes," said Lupin. "My parents are dead. And you're a half-blood. I have to admit this surprises me. The Black family...they weren't exactly shy in declaring their loathing of Muggles."  
  
"Yeah, well," said Tonks, a dark look crossing her face, "they disowned my mum quick enough after she took up with my dad. A shame, really. Not because of the money-my mum could have cared less about that. But she and Sirius are close. Well, they were, anyway, before Sirius got sent to Azkaban. I think they're in touch again, but Mum says Sirius has changed a lot."  
  
"Twelve years in Azkaban and two as a fugitive will do that," said Lupin sadly.  
  
"Right," said Tonks. "Well, I'm just glad we're bringing Harry out of there and back to Sirius. Maybe that'll cheer him up a bit."  
  
"Heads up!" Mad-Eye Moody swooped past them. "Coming up on Privet Drive. Let's circle a few times to make sure we're not spotted!"  
  
Tonks rolled her eyes. "Moody. Paranoid bugger. I'm freezing, aren't you? We can't keep circling up here or those Muggles'll come home and catch us."  
  
"It's all clear, Alastor!" Lupin called. "We can land, I think!"  
  
"Well, if you say so," grumbled Moody. Lupin raised his right arm and pointed down, indicating a stretch of row-houses that lined a wide, very neat lane. The houses all looked the same from the outside; each small backyard was perfectly manicured, the grass freshly mowed, but the lawns had a parched, brown look to them.  
  
"There's Number Four!" Lupin called, pointing at a house below whose backyard contained a very ostentatious looking gazebo.  
  
Lupin dived and then circled round before landing gently on the dry, brown grass in the back yard of Number Four Privet Drive. He alighted from his broom just as Tonks landed next to him; it was a hard, clumsy landing that caused her to fall right off her broom.  
  
She gave a grunt and Lupin reached out and once again caught her; his arms wrapped round her waist and lifted her back up. He felt heat rise on the back of his neck now as his hands took note of her sleekly muscled back.  
  
"Thanks," she said, blushing to the roots of her purple hair, as she stood up and brushed off her robes. She looked up at him and smiled shyly. Then, she looked down at his hands. Then back up at him.  
  
"Uh, Remus," she said softly. "You can let go of me now." She bit her lip.  
  
Lupin blinked and realized his hands were still on her waist; he withdrew them quickly and cleared his throat.  
  
"Sorry," he said quickly, looking at the ground, feeling ridiculous as heat crept up his neck again.  
  
"It's okay," she said. "Thanks for catching me again."  
  
He looked at her and felt the heat on his neck reach his face.  
  
"My pleasure," he said, suddenly finding it very hard to talk. Good lord, what is the matter with me? he thought in horror. He blinked and turned away from her and cleared his throat again, forcing his mind back to the task at hand.  
  
"All here?" he hissed, his eyes scanning the darkened street, and then his companions. He counted and saw they were indeed all there.  
  
"We go through the back door, into the kitchen," Lupin instructed. "And keep quiet. We don't want to scare Harry and we don't want to alert any neighbors."  
  
Everyone nodded and Lupin crept quietly toward the back door. He pulled his wand from his robes and whispered, "Alohomora."  
  
The lock clicked softly and Lupin turned the doorknob. The door opened with a small creak. Lupin moved into the kitchen and made room for the seven other witches and wizards to follow.  
  
One by one they crowded into the kitchen. The house was not especially large-it was a middle-sized house and the Dursleys were clearly a middle- class family, but Lupin could see at once by the decor that they probably lived just slightly above their means. The appliances-what little he knew of Muggle appliances-were all shiny and very new looking. And these Muggles also appeared to be obsessive about cleanliness: Lupin couldn't remember ever seeing a room so spotless, so completely free of even a trace of dust.  
  
He started toward the living room-  
  
CRASH! Lupin whirled around, wand at the ready, to see Nymphadora Tonks bent down over the broken pieces of a ceramic plate.  
  
"Tonks!" Kingsley Shacklebolt hissed, shaking his head. "Watch what you're doing!"  
  
"Sorry!" she whispered miserably, gathering up the pieces of shattered plate.  
  
"So much for keeping quiet," Moody grumbled irritably.  
  
"Let me help, dear," said Hestia Jones quickly, kneeling down beside Tonks and taking the broken plate pieces from her. Lupin watched as Tonks stood up and bit her lip. He knew he ought to feel irritated with her for her clumsiness, but he couldn't help but smile. She met his eyes and smiled back, very sheepishly.  
  
"Quiet!" Moody hissed suddenly. "Sounds like he knows we're here."  
  
A creak came from upstairs, and then another. Footsteps. Lupin nodded to Moody, who headed through the kitchen, past the living room and dining room and into the front hallway, where stood a staircase. A weak hall-light illuminated the upstairs landing. Moody came to an abrupt halt at the foot of the stairs just as Harry Potter appeared at the top of the landing, his wand out, looking very frightened.  
  
"Lower your wand, boy, before you take someone's eye out, " Moody snapped.  
  
Harry didn't lower his wand, but said instead, "Professor Moody?"  
  
"I don't know so much about 'Professor,'" said Moody. "Never got round to much teaching. Come on down here, we want to see you properly."  
  
Harry didn't move; Lupin didn't blame him. Harry's only other experience with Moody had almost killed him; the Moody Harry knew last term had been an impostor.  
  
"It's all right, Harry," said Lupin, taking a step forward, hoping to reassure him. "We've come to take you away."  
  
"Professor Lupin?" Harry asked, his voice a mixture of fear and relief. "Is that you?"  
  
"Why are we all standing round here in the dark?" Tonks muttered. She raised her wand and said "Lumos!" A small, bright point of light illuminated their faces, and Harry's.  
  
Lupin swallowed. Harry looked as bad as Lupin had ever seen him. Dark circles, as livid as ugly bruises, were beneath his eyes. His black hair, already unkempt, was entirely disheveled and looked as though it hadn't been washed in a few days. Although he had grown several inches since Lupin had last seen him, Harry's new height only served to highlight how skinny, how underfed he looked. A rush of hot anger burned in Lupin's throat; when Harry arrived at Grimmauld Place Lupin would make sure Harry was fed a good meal.  
  
"Oh, he looks just like I thought he would," said Tonks, grinning broadly at Harry. "Wotcher, Harry!"  
  
Harry grinned weakly at her, and very soon the other witches and wizards were murmuring about him; Lupin hardly heard them talking until Moody jabbed him in the ribs.  
  
"Are you sure it's him, Lupin?" Moody grunted. "Be a nice lookout if we bring back some Death Eater disguised as him. We should ask him something only the real Potter would know. Unless anyone brought some Veritaserum?"  
  
Lupin smiled and closed his eyes. Moody, ever vigilant about these things. But considering Moody's own experience with impostors, Lupin couldn't blame him.  
  
"Harry, what form does your Patronus take?" he asked.  
  
"A stag," Harry said, his voice shaking just a bit.  
  
"That's him, Mad-Eye," said Lupin firmly, and at last Harry started down the stairs, tucking his wand into the back pocket of his jeans.  
  
"Don't put your wand there, boy!" Moody growled. "What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!"  
  
"Who d'you know who's lost a buttock?" Tonks asked, sounding very intrigued. Lupin found himself suppressing a smile.  
  
"Never you mind," snapped Moody, glaring at Tonks, and then he turned back to Harry. "You just keep your wand out of your back pocket. Elementary wand safety...nobody bothers with it anymore..."  
  
He turned and hobbled toward the kitchen. "And I saw that," he added, as Tonks rolled her eyes. Lupin put a hand over his lips to hide his grin, then looked at Harry.  
  
"How are you, Harry?" Lupin asked, shaking Harry's hand.  
  
"F-fine..." Harry muttered, staring at all the people round him. "I'm- you're really lucky the Dursleys are out."  
  
"Lucky, ha!" said Tonks. "It was me that lured them out of the way. Called them AND sent a letter by Muggle post telling them they'd been short-listed for the All-England Best Kept Suburban Lawn Competition. They're heading off to the prize-giving right now. Or so they think."  
  
Harry gave a small chuckle at this.  
  
"But we're leaving soon, right?" he said, addressing Lupin. He had the look of someone who couldn't wait to be anywhere else other than where he was.  
  
"Almost at once," said Lupin, putting a hand on Harry's shoulder. "We're just waiting for the all-clear."  
  
"Where are we going?" Harry asked. "The Burrow?"  
  
Lupin shook his head. "Not the Burrow, no," he said, guiding Harry toward the kitchen, where the others had fallen back and were waiting, no doubt, to meet him. "It's too risky," Lupin went on. "We've set up headquarters somewhere undetectable. It took some doing..."  
  
They reached the kitchen and Lupin made the introductions. Moody had not been entirely wrong in his assessment of everyone's attitude toward Harry; they were all a bit star-struck by him.  
  
"A surprising number of people volunteered to come and get you," Lupin said wryly.  
  
"Yeah, well, the more the better," said Moody. "We're your guard, Potter."  
  
"We're just waiting for the signal to tell us it's safe to set off," Lupin explained. "Should be about fifteen minutes."  
  
"Very clean, aren't they, these Muggles," Tonks commented, running her finger along the spotless white marble countertop. "My dad's Muggle-born and he's a right old slob. I s'pose it varies, just like with wizards?"  
  
"Uh, yeah," said Harry, then he turned to Lupin, and he began to talk very fast. "Look, what's going on, I haven't heard anything from anyone, what's Vol-"  
  
"Shut up!" Moody hissed, even as the others in the room-Lupin excluded- gasped and hissed themselves. "We're not discussing that here, it's too risky." Moody's magical eye had begun to spin but now it seemed to be fixed on the ceiling.  
  
"Dammit," Moody muttered. "Bloody thing keeps sticking-ever since that scum wore it." He reached up and pulled the eye right from its socket; the sound as it came out was rather like that of trainers squelching in a pit of mud. Tonks screwed up her face.  
  
"Mad-Eye, you do know that's disgusting, don't you?" she said.  
  
"Fetch me a glass of water, would you, Harry?"  
  
Harry said nothing, only nodded, and moved to the sink where he grabbed a clean water glass and filled it. The others were still gaping at him; Lupin shook his head slightly when he saw that Harry was starting to look a bit annoyed by their staring.  
  
"Cheers," said Moody, dropping the eye into the water, swishing it round a bit, and then popping it back into place. Tonks grimaced again. The eye began to spin frantically.  
  
"That's better," said Moody. "I want 360 degrees visibility on the way back."  
  
"How're we getting-wherever we're going?" Harry asked.  
  
"Brooms," said Lupin. "Only way. You're too young to Apparate, the Floo Network is being watched, and it's more than our life's worth to set up an unauthorized Portkey."  
  
"Remus says you're a good flyer," said Kingsley.  
  
Lupin looked at his watch. "He's excellent. Anyway, you'd better go and get packed, Harry. We need to be ready to go when the signal comes."  
  
"I'll come and help you," Tonks said eagerly, smiling at Lupin as she followed Harry out of the kitchen. Lupin felt a small smile curl his lips. He briefly wondered if it would be a good idea for Tonks to be the one helping Harry pack. She was more than likely to knock something else over.  
  
Nobody moved out of the kitchen, nor did anyone speak, for several minutes. Lupin found himself checking his watch repeatedly even as his mind drifted, as he remembered how Tonks had stumbled into him in the back yard, how he had caught her, how his hands had discerned the curves and muscles of her back even through the thick jumper and heavy witch's robes.  
  
He blinked and shook his head, then looked up to see Moody regarding him rather coolly with both eyes, the normal one and the magical one. Lupin forced a grin and looked down at the floor, wondering if the magical eye could see into his very thoughts. Moody certainly wouldn't approve of what Lupin was thinking at that moment, not when they were in the midst of such an important mission.  
  
He shook his head again and forced himself to focus on the matter at hand instead on Tonks and her purple hair. He searched the countertop for a piece of paper, found one, and then picked up a plastic pen and began to write a note to Harry's aunt and uncle. A part of him knew these Muggles wouldn't care much to see Harry gone, but Dumbledore had insisted on it. As Lupin scribbled he glanced up to see Kingsley and Sturgis Podmore gawking at a strange, rectangular, boxy looking appliance, while Hestia Jones rummaged through one of the drawers, picking up kitchen tools and giggling as she replaced them neatly.  
  
As Lupin stuffed the note into a nearby envelope Harry and Tonks reappeared, Harry carrying his snowy owl's cage and Tonks levitating Harry's trunk.  
  
"Excellent," said Lupin, smiling at Tonks, who smiled back. It was only then that Lupin saw her hair was no longer purple but bright, bubble-gum pink. He started to ask her just why she had been fooling around with her hair when she was supposed to have been helping Harry pack, but decided now was not the time to discuss it; in any case he didn't feel right giving her a dressing down in front of everyone. He turned his attention to Harry.  
  
"We've got about a minute, I think," Lupin said. "We should head out back to get ready. Harry, I've left a note telling your aunt and uncle not to worry-"  
  
"They won't," interrupted Harry dully.  
  
"That you're safe-"  
  
"That'll just depress them," Harry interjected.  
  
"-and that you'll see them next summer."  
  
"Do I have to?" Harry asked, looking miserable. Lupin smiled at him sadly, but then Moody pulled Harry aside.  
  
"Time to Disillusion you," he grunted.  
  
"Time to do what?" Harry asked, looking nervous.  
  
"Disillusionment Charm," said Moody. "Lupin tells me you have an Invisibility Cloak but that won't stay on you while we're flying; this'll disguise you better. Here you go-Disillusion!"  
  
Moody rapped Harry sharply on the head with his wand, and in the next instant Harry faded from sight; it was only when Harry moved that Lupin could see an outline of Harry's body. Like a chameleon, Harry took on the appearance of whatever surface or thing he stood close to.  
  
"Nice one, Mad-Eye," said Tonks, impressed.  
  
"Come on," said Moody, and one by one they filed outside.  
  
"Night's cleared up," said Moody. "Could have used a bit more cloud cover."  
  
Lupin stared up at the waxing moon and swallowed hard. Moody had begun issuing instructions about their flight pattern, which would be decidedly more regimented now that Harry was with them. Lupin felt a hollow ache in the pit of his stomach as he stared up at the thing he feared most.  
  
"-if one of us is killed-" Moody was saying. Lupin blinked and turned his attention away from the moon and back at Moody and Harry.  
  
"Is that likely?" Harry asked fearfully. But Moody ignored him.  
  
"-the others just keep flying; don't stop, don't break ranks. If they take out all of us and you survive, Harry, the rear guard are standing by to take over; keep flying east and they'll join you."  
  
"Stop being so cheerful, Mad-Eye," Tonks said dryly. "He'll think we're not taking this seriously." She strapped Harry's trunk and the owl's cage to a harness hanging from her broom.  
  
"I'm just telling the boy the plan," Moody growled. "Our job's to deliver him safely to headquarters and if we die in the attempt-"  
  
"No one's going to die," said Kingsley, in a voice that indicated Moody had better shut up about the whole subject of death, as it was clearly making Harry quite nervous. Moody grunted and got the hint.  
  
Lupin grinned and then a flash of red in the distance caught his eye.  
  
"Mount your brooms; that's the first signal!" he hissed, pointing in the direction of the red sparks.  
  
Immediately everyone swung their legs over their brooms; Tonks got hers tangled up in her robes, gave a frustrated grunt, then disentangled herself. Harry, meanwhile, gripped the handle of his broom-a Firebolt racing broom-eagerly. Lupin could only imagine what Harry must be feeling right then, how badly he'd want to be flying, after being stranded on the ground for so long.  
  
A flash of green sparks went up in the distance. "Second signal," Lupin called. "Let's go!"  
  
He kicked off hard from the ground, and as one, the Advance Guard and Harry Potter rose silently into the air and sped off into the cool night.  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
Author's Note: A HUGE extra disclaimer for me borrowing J.K.Rowling's dialogue from Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix. Nearly all of the dialogue once Harry shows up is hers, but for my occasional tweaking. So, to all Ms. Rowling's lawyers, don't sue me! 


	3. Chapter Three: The Meeting of the Order

Chapter Three: The Meeting of the Order  
  
They arrived back at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place a few hours later. Harry was ushered inside, and after several moments he was greeted warmly by Molly Weasley, who ushered him quickly up the stairs. Lupin watched them go, knowing that Harry would be full to bursting of questions, knowing that Harry would want to attend the meeting that was already underway.  
  
Lupin closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and started down the stairs toward the kitchen. He was beyond tired now; all he wanted was to retire to his room upstairs and fall onto the bed and sleep. Sleep for a week, sleep through the change he knew was coming on him...  
  
He reached the kitchen, barely hearing the footsteps of those behind him, and headed inside. Sitting at a long table were several more members of the Order. Albus Dumbledore was not here this evening, but Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts School, sat at the head of the table, looking tired but severe and focused behind her square spectacles. Next to her sat Severus Snape.  
  
Lupin swallowed his distaste at seeing Snape. They had never liked one another. Indeed, Snape loathed Lupin almost as much as he loathed Sirius, as he had loathed James when James was alive. Their mutual hatred went back to when they were all boys at Hogwarts. Snape had once been a Death Eater himself, but something had happened-Lupin had never figured out just what- to make Severus flee Voldemort's service and return to the side of good.  
  
Lupin could not bring himself to hate Snape so easily, however, considering it was Snape's own potions that kept Lupin from being far worse off than he already was. Then again, Lupin knew that the only reason Snape continued to prepare the potion for him at all was because Dumbledore insisted on it. Without this, Lupin was quite certain Snape would be happy enough to let Lupin suffer the full effects of his painful condition without a second thought.  
  
Lupin's eyes caught Arthur Weasley and the Weasleys' eldest son, Bill, and he nodded to them. They nodded back and smiled, but both had serious looks on their faces. Lupin took a seat next to Sirius, who was alternately glaring at Snape and eyeing Minerva McGonagall with some impatience.  
  
"Sirius," Lupin whispered.  
  
Sirius snapped his head round to face Lupin. "Did you-" he began.  
  
"He's here," Lupin whispered. "He's fine. You'll see him later, after the meeting. I expect he's upstairs with his friends now, getting caught up."  
  
"They've been eavesdropping," said Sirius.  
  
"Naturally," said Lupin. "And they'll certainly tell Harry everything they've learned."  
  
"Kids," said Sirius, smiling and shaking his head.  
  
The others all took their seats as McGonagall cleared her throat.  
  
"The meeting is called to order," she said in a pinched voice. "Remus, give us your report."  
  
Lupin stood up, his eyes darting briefly to Tonks, then back at McGonagall. "Potter's here, he's fine. Journey went off without a hitch."  
  
"Good," said McGonagall stiffly, as Lupin sat back down. "Kinsgley, any news from the inside?"  
  
"Security isn't any tighter," said Kingsley in his deep voice. "At least, not going in and out of the Ministry. Inside it's another story. Fudge gets more paranoid by the day. He's taken to patrolling the departments, and sending out lackeys to do the same. And by now he's practically taken over The Daily Prophet, turned it into a propaganda arm of his own office."  
  
Several murmurs of disgust immediately went up.  
  
"Quiet," McGonagall snapped, but her voice was low, and everyone immediately shut up. Lupin smiled; she had been one of his favorite teachers when he was at Hogwarts, in part because he was so impressed by the way she could command attention without ever having to raise her voice.  
  
"Fudge is using some of those loyal to him to keep tabs on employees," Kingsley went on. "We already know Percy Weasley-"  
  
Arthur Weasley coughed and Bill Weasley scowled. Kingsley looked apologetically at them both and continued.  
  
"-is giving him hourly reports on what's going on in certain offices."  
  
"What about Malfoy?" McGonagall asked. Snape stiffened visibly in his chair.  
  
"Malfoy's throwing money at the Ministry every chance he gets," said Kingsley, sounding disgusted. "As far as Fudge is concerned, Malfoy's past history is forgotten, and whatever Harry might have witnessed is nothing more than the usual fantasies by an unbalanced child."  
  
More snorts of disgust, but this time McGonagall joined them before silencing them all again and continuing.  
  
"Malfoy's a clever one," Kingsley continued. "Keeps everything very close to the vest. And he's not just throwing money at the Ministry. He's throwing it at all sorts of big charities and what, making himself look ever more respectful in the community. We're not going to nail Lucius Malfoy anytime soon."  
  
"They can't live in this denial forever," said Emmeline Vance, looking annoyed. "Sooner or later You-Know-Who is going to act. Or some of his followers. The Daily Prophet can't ignore Dementors on the loose, either."  
  
"They can, and they have," said McGonagall angrily. "Not one word about what happened to Potter, not one letter about two Dementors running rampant in a Muggle neighborhood. Are we any closer to figuring out who sent them?"  
  
"Who else could it be but You-Know-Who?" said Arthur Weasley.  
  
"Unless someone from the Ministry, one of Fudge's toadies, did it," suggested Bill.  
  
"That's cracked," said Tonks. "Fudge is a right bugger but even he's not that crazy or that cold. Sending Dementors after a kid?"  
  
"More to the point, Fudge wouldn't take that big a risk," said Kingsley. "He's nothing if not a coward. If he sent them, there's a chance-however small--it might get traced back to him. No. If it was someone inside the Ministry, it wouldn't be the Minister. It would be someone close to him, who had a lot less to lose. And I'd say that person did it without Fudge's knowledge."  
  
"Does it matter at this point?" said Sirius, sounding frustrated. "I'll agree that Fudge didn't send the Dementors, but so what? The fact that they showed up plays right into his hands, doesn't it? What else was Harry supposed to do to defend himself and that cousin of his BUT use magic? Now Harry's facing a disciplinary hearing and he could wind up getting expelled from school. Either way Harry's in a right mess. He saves his own life but he might damn well have his wand taken from him. If that happens he might as well stand on a street corner and ask Voldemort to come take him out." Sirius pounded his fist on the table angrily.  
  
"Easy," said Lupin softly. "Dumbledore's done all he can to help Harry in this. Harry only has to face a disciplinary hearing; there are a lot of people in the Wizengamot who aren't sycophants to Fudge."  
  
"Even if Potter gets off," said McGonagall, "and there's no reason why he shouldn't, the public has already been poisoned against him. And Albus."  
  
"Meanwhile, not one order has been issued about increasing security in the Department of Mysteries," said Kingsley. "Oh sure, they keep the doors locked, but nobody's monitoring who's going in and out."  
  
"Well, then, it'll have to be up to us to monitor the situation, won't it?" said McGonagall archly. "On top of everything else. Do you MIND, Mundungus?"  
  
Everyone turned toward the chair where Mundungus Fletcher was sitting. He was in the midst of lighting up a very smelly pipe.  
  
"Sorry, 'Nerva," he muttered sheepishly, putting out the pipe and huddling into his seat. Fletcher had rather sharply fallen out of McGonagall's (and many others') good graces since he'd abandoned his duties guarding Harry.  
  
At that moment, the kitchen door opened slowly and Molly Weasley entered. She didn't bother sitting but stood off to the side, watching the proceedings quietly, but not before nodding to Sirius and Lupin.  
  
"But in other news," Kingsley said, smirking, "I can report that the hunt for Sirius Black is going very well and we should be making an arrest any day now."  
  
Sirius smiled and rolled his eyes.  
  
"Right," said McGonagall, smoothing her severely styled hair. "We'll have to use the lot of you on the inside, I suppose. Nympha-  
  
"Yeah," said Tonks quickly. "I'm on it."  
  
"You'll start tomorrow," said McGonagall sternly. "Mundungus can handle the night shift tonight, I think."  
  
"Aw, come on, 'Nerva-" Fletcher began.  
  
"Do you mean to argue with me, Mundungus?" McGonagall asked, giving him a supremely disdainful look.  
  
"No," said Fletcher quickly, but not hiding his disgruntled expression from her. Lupin pursed his lips to keep from smiling.  
  
"Nymphadora can rotate with Kingsley and Arthur, I think," McGonagall went on, not seeming to hear Tonks' rather loud wince at the use of her first name. "You know where you need to be, yes?"  
  
"Yeah," said Tonks, running a hand through her pink hair. Lupin remembered that he'd have to have a word with her about that.  
  
"As for Potter," said McGonagall stiffly. "Dumbledore's wishes are clear. He is on a strict need-to-know basis. I'd prefer it if only Black or the Weasleys fill him in. It's not for any of the rest of you to go talking to him about what's been going on. Understood?"  
  
Every nodded, Lupin included, but inside he felt his stomach twist. On the one hand he understood why everyone was being so protective of Harry. On the other hand, Harry was not a child anymore. He deserved to know the truth, didn't he? Not the least because Voldemort was trying to kill him. After spending a month alone, incommunicado, Harry would be dying to know what was going on, what the Order was doing to try and stop Voldemort.  
  
Lupin glanced round at Molly and saw her giving her husband a significant look.  
  
"I should tell all of you," McGonagall went on. "The Daily Prophet is not the only place the Ministry is interfering with. Fudge is in the process of choosing a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for Hogwarts."  
  
"That's Dumbledore's job!" said Arthur Weasley indignantly.  
  
"Not anymore," said McGonagall bitterly. "Oh, of course Dumbledore will have the opportunity to pick a suitable candidate, but in the end it'll be a Ministry drone, someone in Fudge's camp. He'll want someone in the school to dig up as much dirt on Albus and Potter as he or she can find."  
  
Lupin glanced over at Snape, who was scowling. Of course Snape would want the Dark Arts job; he always had. But Dumbledore would never give it to him. Snape's past history...was a strike against him. And even if Dumbledore did offer Snape the job, Fudge would put the bosh on that in a second. Fudge was perfectly happy to overlook Lucius Malfoy's past as a Death Eater, but not Snape's. Snape, of course, didn't have gold to throw around.  
  
"Right, then," said McGonagall, rising from her chair. "The meeting's adjourned, unless anyone has anything else to add."  
  
At the other end of the table, Mundungus Fletcher-who had fallen asleep- began to snore loudly.  
  
McGonagall rolled her eyes. "It's always gratifying to see Fletcher take his duties seriously." She exchanged a look with Molly, and they both gazed at Fletcher with undisguised contempt.  
  
"Dismissed, all of you," said McGonagall brusquely, gathering up a stack of parchment and shoving it into a tartan bag. She pulled on her robes, covering up the Muggle-style dress she wore, and exited out of the kitchen, her back rigid and straight.  
  
Tonks stood up and stretched, ruffling her pink hair again, and started toward the door.  
  
"Tonks," said Lupin. "May I speak with you for a moment?"  
  
"What?" she said, looking a bit surprised. Then a smile-a very lovely smile- crossed her face. "Okay."  
  
He put a hand on her elbow and guided her into a corner of the room, as the others filed out.  
  
"I couldn't help noticing the change in your hair color," said Lupin.  
  
"Oh, yeah," said Tonks, blushing slightly. "I realized violet's not really my color."  
  
"Look," said Lupin. "Perhaps I should have said something earlier, but...well...the middle of an important mission is hardly the time to spend on changing your hair. Switching Spells are rather time consuming and-"  
  
Tonks gasped and looked very offended.  
  
"For your information," she said through gritted teeth, "I happen to be a Metamorphmagus. I can change my appearance at will and it takes me all of a second to do it. Care to see?"  
  
Lupin swallowed, feeling even stupider. "Tonks, forgive me-"  
  
But she closed her eyes and screwed up her face as though she were concentrating very hard, and in the next instant her short pink hair was long and dark red.  
  
"Pretty neat trick, isn't it?" said Tonks, struggling to keep her voice down. "So as you can see, REMUS, I wasn't upstairs in Harry's room dilly- dallying over my hair. I'm sure this comes as a complete shock to you but I AM an Auror and I DO understand what's at stake and I DO take my assignments very seriously."  
  
Lupin forced himself to look at her face. She looked angry, affronted, but most of all, she looked hurt. He felt the heat creeping up his neck again, only this time he felt horrible.  
  
"I'm sorry, Tonks," he said, his mouth dry. He looked at the floor. "I...I didn't know..."  
  
Tonks sighed and shook her head. "Well, now you do."  
  
"Forgive me," said Lupin. "I didn't mean-"  
  
"Look, Lupin," said Tonks quickly, holding up her hands. "I may be young and I may be the clumsiest witch on the planet Earth but I know what's what. I know how important Harry is. And not just because...you know." Her eyes wandered over to Sirius, who was in conversation with Arthur Weasley.  
  
Lupin swallowed again-his throat felt like a desert. He felt more ridiculous than he'd ever felt in his life.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said again, for lack of anything better.  
  
"It's okay," said Tonks, her voice softer. "I suppose I shouldn't have done that with my hair, even if it does only take me a second."  
  
There was a silence that seemed to stretch for ages, and Lupin finally said, "So, you're a Metamorphmagus. That's...rare, isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah," said Tonks. "Really rare. But it's saved my arse more than once in Auror training."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Oh, come on, Remus, you've seen how clumsy I am," said Tonks. "I practically failed Stealth and Tracking, but I got full marks on Concealment and Disguise, so I guess the powers that be thought it balanced out. I make a perfect spy so long as I don't have to engage in any stealth and tracking."  
  
"I get it," said Lupin. "It must be...interesting...to be able to look however you want."  
  
"It breaks up the boredom, yeah," said Tonks.  
  
"I don't suppose you could teach me," said Lupin. "Grey's not my color, see." He fingered a bit of his greying hair, and then blushed and looked down. Where had THAT come from?  
  
But then Tonks put a hand under his chin and tilted his face back up to meet hers. Lupin vaguely realized he was holding his breath, vaguely recognized that she was touching him, that her hand was surprisingly soft, that she looked very lovely with long red hair, that she moved her hand from beneath his chin and to his hair, brushing a stray lock from his eyes.  
  
"I think the grey suits you," she said. "Makes you look...distinguished."  
  
"I think it just makes me look old," he said. Her hand was still in his hair. She was very close to him. The room suddenly seemed to be silent. Lupin felt dizzy and remembered at that moment to breathe. She blushed then, and quickly took her hand away from his hair.  
  
"You're not that old," she said, looking at the floor.  
  
"Gee, thanks," said Lupin wryly.  
  
"That's not what I meant," said Tonks quickly, blushing so that her face now matched the color of her hair. "I mean, you're older than me, of course, and your hair's a bit grey and what but it's not like you're old enough to be my dad or anything. I mean, I have a couple of uncles who are your age but they're not old, either and...oh, bloody hell. Forget it. I really know how to step in it, don't I? My dad always said I had a big mouth."  
  
She was looking up at him, smiling very shyly, and Lupin realized he wasn't breathing again. He was looking at her mouth and he was thinking it was a very lovely mouth...  
  
"I see you two are getting better acquainted."  
  
Lupin blinked and Tonks took a quick step back. Sirius clapped Lupin roughly on the shoulder.  
  
"Yes," said Lupin quickly, hating himself for going red in the face, hating Sirius even more for the knowing look in his eyes. "Uh, your cousin was just telling me about herself. The fact that she's a Metamorphmagus."  
  
"Actually," said Sirius, grinning, "Tonks is my first cousin once removed; her mum's my cousin. How is your mum, anyway, Tonks?"  
  
"She's fine," said Tonks, still blushing. "She and Dad are enjoying their retirement, but she...she told me to tell you that she's willing and able to help, you know, any way she can."  
  
"I should invite her over sometime," said Sirius.  
  
"I doubt your mum would appreciate that," said Tonks, arching her eyebrows.  
  
"All the more reason for Andromeda to come and visit," said Sirius. "Anything I can do to antagonize my lovely mother is always welcome."  
  
The three of them laughed, but a bit uncomfortably.  
  
"So, I guess I'll just go and help Molly fetch Harry and the other kids," said Tonks quickly. "You know, for dinner. See you in a bit, Sirius. Remus."  
  
She turned on her heel and walked very quickly out of the kitchen, but not before tripping over Crookshanks, Hermione Granger's bandy-legged ginger cat.  
  
"Sorry, Crookshanks!" she said quickly, moving to stroke the cat's back, but Crookshanks hissed at her and darted away, out of range of her clumsy feet. Lupin chuckled softly and shook his head.  
  
"Clumsier than hell, that one," said Sirius. "But I see you two are getting along well." He clapped Lupin on the back again.  
  
"Oh, well, yes," said Lupin, finding it suddenly difficult to look at Sirius again. "She's quite...colorful."  
  
"Uh huh, she is that," said Sirius.  
  
From upstairs there came a very loud crash.  
  
"TONKS!" Molly Weasley yelled.  
  
"SORRY!" Tonks yelled back. And then the air was rent with the horrible screeches of another woman.  
  
"Bloody hell," said Sirius, annoyed.  
  
"Sounds like your mother is awake," said Lupin, trying not to grin.  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Sirius. "Come on. Help me shut the old hag up."  
  
Lupin grinned as he followed Sirius out of the kitchen and started up the stairs. 


	4. Chapter Four: Hints from the Past

Chapter Four: Hints from the Past  
  
It took no small effort on Lupin's and Sirius's parts to silence the portrait of the shrieking Mrs. Black. Tonks was still red-faced when they all went down to the kitchen to finish preparations for a late supper.  
  
The meal itself began very tensely. Molly was in an angry mood, and her temper was not helped by her twin sons Fred and George, whose efforts to help set the table nearly toppled the pot full of stew and sent a flagon of butterbeer flying. Ultimately it was Lupin who smoothed things over and allowed dinner to commence as smoothly as it did.  
  
Eventually, the tension melted somewhat. Molly sat stiffly and ate little, casting nasty looks at Mundungus, who had finally awoken and was stuffing his face full of Molly's outstanding food while entertaining the twins and Molly's youngest son Ron with a story of his illegal exploits. Lupin found himself drawn into a discussion about goblins, but his eyes wandered rather frequently over to Tonks, who was amusing Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley-the youngest Weasley child and the only girl-by changing the shape of her nose. Lupin found a small smile curling his lips at Tonks's antics.  
  
"Oi, are you listening, Remus?" Bill asked sharply.  
  
"What?" Lupin blinked and turned his eyes to Bill. "Oh, sorry."  
  
"Wake up, Remus," said Bill, grinning.  
  
"Forgive me," said Lupin. "I'm really quite tired." He grimaced as he felt the familiar heat creeping up his neck, but Bill and Arthur hadn't seemed to notice the cause of his distraction, and they continued talking.  
  
Lupin was at least pleased to see that Harry had eaten his fill. As the meal wound down everyone became noticeably sleepy; Tonks was yawning and stretching in her chair.  
  
"I'd best be off, then," she announced, standing up. "Need some sleep if I'm going to put in an extra shift tomorrow."  
  
She glanced at Lupin and gave him a shy smile. Lupin smiled back. She made her way out of the kitchen, bumping into a few chairs along the way, and left. Lupin wondered where she lived; he assumed she must reside somewhere in London. Did she live alone? Have a roommate?  
  
A lover?  
  
"I think she likes you," said Sirius in a low voice.  
  
"What?" Lupin said sharply, sitting up, willing himself not to turn red in the face.  
  
"Tonks," said Sirius, grinning.  
  
"Oh," said Lupin, "well. That's good to know. I expect we'll be working together in the future."  
  
Sirius looked at Lupin through narrowed eyes, then shook his head. "You know, Remus, you're hopeless." Sirius then turned to Harry, leaving Lupin to wonder just what was meant by that comment.  
  
He didn't have time to dwell on it, however; quickly enough Harry was asking the questions he'd been bursting to ask all summer. Molly was objecting strenuously to his finding out anything at all; Sirius and Molly were arguing about what was best for Harry.  
  
Once again, Lupin stepped in and smoothed things over, cutting off what was about to become an extremely heated argument. He had been doing a lot of this lately. Tensions had been running so high since coming to this house he had long begun to question Dumbledore's wisdom in choosing it for a headquarters. And much of the tension had to be attributed to Sirius, for whom this place was little better than Azkaban, even without the Dementors.  
  
In the end, Molly was overruled. Everyone was allowed to remain behind except Ginny Weasley (something Ginny found to be very unfair and vocally protested having to go to bed). Lupin felt a pang of sympathy for her; she was only ten months younger than Ron and in all likelihood Harry might tell her what he learned anyway. Or he might not, which would only make her feel left out, as she often felt being the youngest-and the only girl-in a family full of boys.  
  
It was only when Sirius had begun the descent into the subject of the thing Voldemort was looking for that Molly reinserted herself.  
  
"I want you in bed," she snapped. "Now. All of you."  
  
"You can't boss us-" Fred started, clearly affronted at the idea of his mother ordering him around even though he was now 17 and considered an adult.  
  
"Watch me," she growled, and Fred shrank back from his mother. There was simply no defying her when she was in this kind of mood. She glared at Sirius. "You've given Harry quite enough information. Any more and you might as well induct him into the Order."  
  
"Why not?" Harry asked, standing up eagerly. "I want to join. I want to fight-"  
  
At this Lupin stood up.  
  
"No, Harry," he said firmly. "The Order is comprised only of adult wizards. Wizards who have left school," he added, for Fred and George's benefit. "There are dangers out there now that none of you can begin to understand. We've said enough."  
  
Lupin glanced at Sirius, who only nodded stiffly, and with that, the conversation was closed. Harry's shoulders sagged as he followed the twins, Hermione and Ron out of the kitchen. Molly, Arthur and Bill all nodded to Lupin and Sirius, and left.  
  
Lupin watched him go, part of him wishing he could tell Harry the whole truth, part of him believing that Harry should know everything.  
  
"He's not going to be satisfied with this," said Sirius, looking worried. "I know him, Remus. He'll go looking for more answers than we can give him."  
  
"Yes," said Lupin thoughtfully. "He always did have a rather overeager sense of curiosity."  
  
"Dammit," said Sirius, pounding the table. "Dumbledore should let me tell him. He needs to know. He's not a kid anymore."  
  
"Dumbledore has to have his reasons," said Lupin stiffly.  
  
"I'm Harry's godfather," Sirius said hotly. "Not Dumbledore."  
  
"In two weeks Harry is Dumbledore's responsibility," said Lupin, trying to sound placating and reasonable at the same time. Sirius had been given to very angry displays of temper lately. Lupin normally indulged his best friend and allowed him to rail, but tonight, he was simply too tired to hear it. He'd just as soon avoid another rant from Sirius.  
  
"God forbid Dumbledore trusts me to take care of him," said Sirius bitterly. "I can't even leave this godforsaken house."  
  
His eyes met Lupin, and Lupin felt a pang. For all the times Lupin had railed against his own fate, against the cruelty of his condition, he could feel only pity for Sirius at that moment. His whole life Sirius Black had been restless; never content to sit still and let things go by him, but always inserting himself into the action. It had gotten him into plenty of trouble while they were in school together, but then, Lupin had always relished being around Sirius-and James-for their rebelliousness. For Sirius to be stuck in this house now, without even the opportunity to step outside, must be hell.  
  
"I'm sorry, friend," said Lupin. Sirius nodded, and said nothing, because there was nothing to say.  
  
A familiar chiming broke the silence. Lupin clicked off the pocket watch.  
  
"Potion time, I take it," Sirius said, as Lupin reached into the pocket of his robes and withdrew another flask.  
  
"Yes," said Lupin, uncorking the flask and downing the potion inside.  
  
"Is it already a week until-"  
  
"Yes," said Lupin, grimacing at the bitter taste of the potion as it slid down his throat. "By this time next weekend I'll be locked in my room, covered with fur and eating out of a dog dish."  
  
"Bloody hell," said Sirius. "Listen to me, griping about my problems."  
  
"Why don't we just say we're both wretched and call it even?" said Lupin, smiling wryly.  
  
"It wouldn't be quite so bad if I had a nice woman to keep me company," Sirius mused, grinning. "Know any nice, attractive women who wouldn't mind spending some quality time with a convict-slash-fugitive, do you?"  
  
Lupin laughed. "You haven't changed a bit, have you? Always have your mind on women. Between you and James I'm amazed I got any dates at all when we were in school."  
  
"Give me a break, Remus," said Sirius. "I was in prison for twelve years. Didn't get to even look at a woman the whole time I was there. And being a fugitive doesn't exactly bode well for romantic interludes. Not like I could invite a nice young lady to my cave and share a meal of rats, could I?" He laughed, and Lupin found himself laughing along.  
  
"You've done about as well as I have, then," said Lupin. "As for whether I know any nice women to introduce you to, I'm afraid not. I'm about as successful at meeting women today as I was in school."  
  
"Oh, now, you weren't so bad with the girls," said Sirius.  
  
"No, not so bad," said Lupin, blushing just a bit. "I did quite a bang up job of attracting homely, serious types who needed help with their studies, didn't I?"  
  
"Are you saying Tonks is homely?"  
  
"Tonks?" said Lupin quickly, feeling himself blush even more deeply. "Who said anything about Tonks? What does she have to do with-"  
  
"Your ability to attract women?" said Sirius, grinning wickedly.  
  
"That's absurd," said Lupin at once, not daring to allow Sirius to lead the conversation where he so clearly wanted to take it.  
  
"What, that my first cousin once removed might find you a bit interesting?" said Sirius, sitting back in his chair. "You know, mate, that's your trouble. You're too hard on yourself. No wonder you had trouble with girls. No confidence whatsoever. Women love a man who's confident."  
  
"Easy for you to say," said Lupin, with a trace of bitterness. "You were the handsome one, remember? You practically had a fan club."  
  
"I'm not so handsome anymore," said Sirius. "And we're not talking about me, we're talking about you."  
  
"What's to discuss?" said Lupin, feeling very uncomfortable. He'd always felt uncomfortable about women. Talking about women. Thinking about women. Looking at women. Being with a woman...  
  
He blinked and looked at the floor, not wanting to let his mind wander to the last time he'd actually been with a woman. In that way. It had been so long ago. And it had ended so badly, he'd vowed never to venture down that path again. It had been quite easier than he'd thought. He'd simply closed that part of himself off. The part that wanted, that needed to feel a woman's skin, to take her in his arms and taste her lips, feel her move beneath him...  
  
No, he'd put that part of himself away, in a neat little compartment, and focused on other things. His work. His physical condition, which gave him a perfect excuse to avoid romantic entanglements with any member of the opposite sex. The Order. He had plenty to take his mind off his...other needs.  
  
"What's to discuss is the fact that my first cousin once removed is interested in you," said Sirius. "Now, I am rather protective of her, of course, but since you're my best mate I can't help but approve of her interest in you."  
  
Lupin laughed nervously and shook his head. "You're off your nut, Sirius. Tonks is fifteen years younger than me and...and far too...too lovely to give an old man like me the time of day."  
  
"There's that lack of confidence again," said Sirius.  
  
"Oh no," Lupin protested. "I'm fully confident that Tonks isn't interested in me."  
  
"But you're interested in her," said Sirius. It was not a question.  
  
Lupin swallowed. He couldn't look at Sirius just then.  
  
"Well, she's quite...quite nice, isn't she?" said Lupin.  
  
"Nice," said Sirius. "Nice. No wonder you're pathetic with women."  
  
"Thanks," said Lupin. "Look, Sirius, even if...and that's a huge 'if'...Tonks had the slightest interest in me...romantically...and even if I were interested in her...in that way...it wouldn't go anywhere."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You know why," said Lupin.  
  
"You can't hide behind that excuse forever," said Sirius.  
  
"Yes, I can," Lupin retorted.  
  
"It doesn't have to be that way for you-"  
  
"Dammit, Sirius," said Lupin angrily, standing up and pacing now. "You know what happened the last time I tried to...you know what happened."  
  
"You're taking the Wolfsbane Draught now," said Sirius. "You're no danger to anyone anymore-"  
  
"I don't know if this stuff will work forever!" Lupin shouted, feeling his temper rising and hating himself for allowing himself to lose control like this. "There's only so high a dose of this stuff a person can stand. What if I start to develop an immunity to it? What if it stops working?"  
  
"There might be a cure by then-"  
  
"I can't rest my hopes on that!" Lupin snapped, running a hand through his greying hair, feeling wretched. "I can't risk-I can't."  
  
He took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down, and sat in the chair opposite Sirius.  
  
"Why are you pushing this, anyway?" said Lupin.  
  
"Because I know you're bloody miserable," said Sirius, "and I thought it might be nice for you to have a little happiness. I can't have much for myself these days, see. So forgive me if I want to see the people I care about most have some. Harry. You. Tonks. I can be forgiven for wanting to live a little happiness vicariously through my friends, can't I?"  
  
Lupin closed his eyes and put a hand over them, then sat back in his chair.  
  
"You're a good friend, Sirius," said Lupin. "Look, I like Tonks. I...I think she's lovely. I hope to be her friend. And I hope she'll accept my friendship. But anything else...cannot be. I won't take that chance with her." 


	5. Chapter Five: Transformation

Chapter Five: Transformation  
  
Lupin awoke the morning of the following Saturday feeling exhausted and rather sick to his stomach. He rose weakly from the bed and went into the bathroom just off his bedroom.  
  
"Good morning, Remus," he said to his reflection. "Don't you look like death warmed over."  
  
"Actually," said the mirror, "you don't look all that bad, but you might consider that it's a sign of encroaching madness, talking to a mirror."  
  
Lupin rolled his eyes and felt a wave of nausea pass through him. He swallowed against the urge to vomit; if he vomited, it only left him weaker for when the transformation did come.  
  
The familiar chiming of his pocket watch-which was on his nightstand table- announced it was time for another dose of Wolfsbane Draught. He grunted and loped over to his chest of drawers and carefully opened the top drawer, where a small row of flasks rested, corks tightly pressed into them. He withdrew one, noticing that he'd need to replenish his supply before next month, and dreading the moment when he had to confront Severus Snape and ask-no, beg, because Snape would surely make him do that-for more of the potion.  
  
He uncorked the flask and downed the contents, swallowing hard against another roiling of nausea. It was always harder to get the potion down on the last day. He would take two other doses, one right around lunchtime and another dose in the early evening, at dusk. Just before sunset. Before the full moon rose...  
  
And then he would change. Sirius would know of it; he would come quietly to Lupin's room and come inside, transformed into the black dog. They would stay together for a while, in companionable silence, a dog and a wolf, until such time that Lupin became tired and fell asleep, waiting for the morning, when he would awake on the floor, naked but covered with the blankets left by Sirius.  
  
Lupin shuddered and wiped at his sweaty brow with his sleeve, then picked up his water glass from the nightstand table and drained it, trying to wash from his palate the dreadful, sour taste of the Wolfsbane Draught.  
  
Today he would help with the house-cleaning. Or house purging, as Sirius called it. The house, having been uninhabited for so long, had become filthy, a nest of growing things, of molds and spores and bugs. Lupin had learned early on that many of the objects inside were enchanted; they had never been able to remove those howling portraits of Sirius's relatives from the walls; Sirius insisted that his mother had put them up with Permanent Sticking Charms before she'd died. Other objects were equally determined not to be discarded.  
  
Lupin returned to the sink, splashed water on his face and made a half- hearted attempt to shave, then realized he might as well wait until tomorrow. He dressed, pulling on shabby trousers, whose knees were worn so thin they would rip any moment. A t-shirt that had once been white but had gone grey with hundreds of washings. A drab brown jumper, with one frayed elbow. He combed his hair, which was getting to be longer than he liked, but he couldn't afford a haircut at the moment. Molly had offered, but Bill quickly warned him away from that ("She'll cut it so short you look like a porcupine; she's still on me to cut mine."). He pulled on his shabby robes- which were no longer even close to the black they had once been but were faded charcoal grey-slipped on a pair of Oxfords, whose soles were separating just slightly from the uppers, and left the room.  
  
He rounded the corner and collided with Nymphadora Tonks.  
  
"Oh!" she said, startled. "Remus. Hi!"  
  
"Hello, Tonks," he said, his voice a bit weaker than usual. Perhaps it was because he felt so wretched this morning, but she looked even lovelier than usual. Her hair was short again, but this time it was light blue. Her cheeks were pink, possibly from climbing all those stairs up to the third floor. Her eyes were sparkling. Lupin immediately wished he had a bag over his head, to hide how terrible he looked.  
  
"Are you all right?" said Tonks, concern etched in her features. "You don't look so good." She reached up and put a hand on his forehead. "You feel a bit warm."  
  
Lupin felt suddenly dizzy, and he knew it wasn't just because he was ill. He wished she wouldn't touch him. Her touching him made him feel funny. Her touching him reminded him of the past. Of what it felt like to be touched by a woman.  
  
He put his hand round her wrist and gently lowered it even as he smiled at her. "I'm quite all right," he lied. "I'm just very tired. I've-"  
  
"Been ill," said Tonks, eyeing him doubtfully. "Yeah, you told me. Maybe you should, you know, go back to bed."  
  
"I'll be fine," said Lupin stiffly. "Really."  
  
"If you say so," she said, but she didn't look convinced.  
  
"What are you doing here?" he asked, trying to change the subject.  
  
"Oh, just popped in to give Molly a hand. Apparently there's something in one of the toilets up here. You haven't heard anything weird, have you?"  
  
"Oh, no," said Lupin.  
  
"Anyway, I'm supposed to help Harry with that one," she said. "Molly says there's this clock downstairs that's throwing bolts at people. Maybe you could deal with that."  
  
"I think I can handle it, yes," said Lupin, smiling at her.  
  
"You're...sure you're okay?" she said.  
  
"Yes," said Lupin firmly, wishing fervently she'd stop asking him this. Wishing she didn't look so very lovely, so very concerned for him. Wishing she'd touch him again.  
  
"Hi, Professor Lupin," said Harry. Lupin turned and gave Harry a weak smile. Harry gave him a significant look; he knew what was what. He knew what Lupin would be doing tonight.  
  
"Hello, Harry," said Lupin, grateful that Harry betrayed nothing to Tonks. "I hear you're about to tackle a scary toilet."  
  
"Yeah," said Harry. "Tonks and me."  
  
"Well," said Lupin, feeling uncomfortable under the scrutinizing gazes of both Harry and Tonks, "I think I'll go see what's what with that renegade clock."  
  
He nodded to them both and started down the stairs, not looking back. He felt his knees shaking beneath him and realized he needed to eat something, even though his stomach was roiling and the thought of food repelled him. But without food he wouldn't make it through the day. He gripped the railing of the staircase as he started gingerly down the stairs.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Three hours later Lupin felt slightly better, but not by much. As the day wore on and the time drew nearer, he felt his feverishness being replaced by an exhaustion so complete that he knew he'd have to lie down soon, or risk passing out where he stood. He'd solved the problem with the clock well enough, and Molly, sensing at once that he was not all himself, sent him upstairs with a tray full of food and orders to eat up. Sirius pulled him aside just long enough to mutter that they'd see each other later.  
  
Lupin was grateful for the reprieve, even if he resented not being able to help further. The house-cleaning needs were so vast that every available hand was crucial, and yet his condition prevented him from being of much use. He dragged himself to the third floor, carrying the tray carefully in one hand, moving at a snail's pace.  
  
He was just turning the corner to his bedroom when he collided with Tonks for the second time that day.  
  
The tray flipped out his hand as he reached out to catch her, and sandwiches and pumpkin juice went flying. In short order Lupin and Tonks were covered in condiments and juice.  
  
"BUGGER ALL!" Tonks yelled. "Stupid clumsy git!"  
  
"Forgive me-" Lupin began.  
  
"I'm talking about me!" she said angrily, peeling a slice of mustard-coated bread from her robes; a huge mustard stain stayed behind. "Bloody hell. I can't even walk two feet without creating a disaster."  
  
She grabbed a napkin that had fallen to the floor and started wiping pumpkin juice and mustard from the front of her robes.  
  
"Shit," she said, rolling her eyes. "Look what I did. Made a mess of your lunch."  
  
"It's all right," Lupin said weakly.  
  
"It's not all right," said Tonks savagely, running an angry hand through her blue hair. "What's wrong with me, anyway? I mean, why's it so hard for me to do something right? Can't do a bloody thing without making a mess. Inconveniencing people."  
  
As he stood there, watching her curse at herself, he felt at a loss. She was so upset that he saw to his horror that tears were in her eyes.  
  
"Tonks, please don't," he said, taking a step toward her. "It's just food. We...we can clean it up."  
  
Tonks laughed bitterly and blinked several times.  
  
"Really, Tonks, it's...not a problem," he said. "I can get more sandwiches."  
  
"I know," she said dully. "I just...I wish I didn't keep bumping into you. You must get tired of catching me all the time."  
  
She looked up at him and smiled sheepishly.  
  
Lupin felt a smile on his lips, even as his exhaustion threatened to do him in on the spot.  
  
"I don't mind," he said softly. "It's rather like...catching a damsel in distress." Heat rushed to his face, his neck, his ears. What the hell?  
  
"You mean a damsel who CAUSES distress, more like," said Tonks, giggling softly. "I think I ought to come with a warning label on my forehead. In fact, I think I'll make one now." She closed her eyes tightly and screwed up her face again, and suddenly words-in bright blue-popped out on her forehead.  
  
WARNING: STAND CLEAR  
  
Lupin laughed out loud, Tonks laughed with him. And then a wave of dizziness overtook him. He blinked and stumbled, and this time, it was Tonks reaching out to catch him.  
  
"Remus!" she cried. "What...are you okay?"  
  
Lupin blinked and looked at her; he knew his face was flushed. He was breathing in short gasps. The chiming of his pocket watch-now fastened loosely to his trousers-reached his ears.  
  
"I'm...fine," he said quickly. "I just need...potion." He started to walk, unsteadily, ignoring the mess of sandwiches and pumpkin juice at his feet, on his clothes. He had to get to his bedroom, had to take his potion.  
  
"I'll help you," said Tonks quickly, and she put an arm round his waist, draped his arm over her shoulder.  
  
"No, Tonks," he protested weakly, wishing she'd go away, leave him alone. She shouldn't see him like this. She couldn't know...  
  
"Rubbish," said Tonks. "I might be clumsy but you can hardly stand up!" She half-dragged him to his room, and once inside she started to steer him toward his bed, when he resisted.  
  
"No," he said weakly. "Dresser..."  
  
"But Remus-"  
  
"Please, I need...my potion," he said. He started toward the dresser, feeling a small surge of renewed strength, ignoring the fact that she was still trying to turn him toward his bed.  
  
"I need it!" he said in a louder voice, pulling her with him. Still she held back.  
  
"Remus-"  
  
"Let go!" he snarled, shrugging her off. She gasped and stumbled back, but Lupin didn't see her. He didn't see anything, he needed it. Needed the potion now. His pocketwatch was still chiming...  
  
He had the flask in his hand; he yanked out the cork with his teeth and spat it away from him, where it landed on a windowsill. He poured the contents of the potion down his throat...  
  
His breathing slowed. His throat stopped working. His vision cleared. He was sweating, he was exhausted.  
  
He blinked several times and opened his eyes, then turned, and felt his stomach drop.  
  
Tonks was standing not six feet from him. There were tears staining her porcelain cheeks; the words on her forehead were still visible beneath her blue fringe of hair. She was trembling. She looked frightened. She looked hurt.  
  
Lupin swallowed a lump in his throat. "Tonks. Dear god, I'm...I'm sorry..." he whispered, taking a step toward her.  
  
She backed away, shaking her head, and stumbled again, but caught herself.  
  
"Tonks, please," Lupin begged, but she was afraid of him now. He had frightened her.  
  
"I have to go," she said quickly, and she backed out of the room, stumbling again but not falling.  
  
"Tonks, wait," Lupin pleaded, holding up his hands. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."  
  
But she was already out of the room. And already she was far away from him, in more ways than one. And it was entirely his fault.  
  
His fault, and the fault of his condition. He closed his eyes as a wave of fury coursed hotly through his veins, and with a grunt he hurled the empty flask against the near wall, where it shattered.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It was dusk. Lupin downed the final flask of potion and waited. He was naked beneath the blankets. He'd learned long ago that transformations ruined clothing; as he was very limited when it came to his wardrobe, he had resorted to  
  
removing all traces of clothing from his body in preparation for the changes his body was about to go through.  
  
Sirius was nearby, sitting quietly, saying nothing, sending glances his way now and again. As an Animagus Sirius had never had any need to strip down to the altogether in order to transform.  
  
"I heard about what happened earlier," Sirius said. "With Tonks."  
  
"How quickly news travels in this house," said Lupin darkly.  
  
"Why haven't you told her?"  
  
"Because she doesn't need to know," Lupin snapped.  
  
"So it's all right with you that you've gone and frightened her?"  
  
"Of course it's not all right!" Lupin barked, but then his shoulders caved in, defeated. "You should have seen her face, Sirius. She was crying. Terrified. I did that. I made that happen."  
  
"She'd understand if you told her," said Sirius firmly. "She's tougher than she looks, is Tonks."  
  
"Yes, she looked like a pillar of strength today when I frightened her half to death," Lupin said bitterly.  
  
"She's afraid of the unknown," said Sirius. "Like the rest of us. But if you told her, if you explained it, she'd understand."  
  
"She might," said Lupin. "For now. But how many times will she take me losing my temper at her? You can stand it because you're used to it. But Tonks?" He sighed and closed his eyes, already feeling the imminence of what was to come.  
  
"It's all neither here nor there," said Lupin sadly. "If Tonks was remotely interested in me before she's surely written me off now. I made sure of that. Forget about it, friend. She's better off, anyway, not knowing me."  
  
"It's a bloody shame you feel that way," said Sirius, shaking his head.  
  
"Yes, well..." Lupin's voice trailed off. Pale, milky moonlight was filtering into the room. His eyes darted to Sirius. It was time.  
  
"I'm here," said Sirius. Lupin nodded, and he felt it starting. The bones in his back lengthening, his hands changing, the fur growing, his legs trembling, his voice leaving him, words deserting him.  
  
"L-lock...d-door," he managed, and he let out a sharp breath as his mind changed...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Primal, but quiet. No fear, but no reason. Instinct, not logic. Hungry. He was hungry. He was hot beneath these blankets. He needed food.  
  
He leapt off the bed, leaving the blankets in a heap, and his eyes darted round the room. The black dog was there, circling, looking wary but not unfriendly. The wolf sniffed the air, stuck out his tongue as though to taste it. The dog barked, a friendly bark, and jerked its head.  
  
The wolf watched as the dog trotted toward the corner of the room. The wolf followed, the smell of meat assaulting his nostrils. Food was close. Water...  
  
The dish was there, as it always was. Full of cool water. He lapped it up thirstily, then attacked the pieces of raw, bloody meat on the platter next to the dish. The dog sat back on its haunches, watching him. But the dog did not eat. The dog never ate with the wolf. The food was the wolf's and the wolf's alone.  
  
The wolf and the dog gamboled about the room together for a time; they wrestled and played as canines do, but there was no menace, no violence. The wolf felt very calm, his belly full of meat. He looked outside the window and felt a kind of tug; he wanted to go outside, but not that badly. He trotted round the room, sniffing at the floor, at every corner. He came along some rags on the floor and sniffed at those; human scent. Familiar human scent. He knew this human quite well, who wore these things that were now lying on the floor. He sniffed at the shoes. Old shoes. A part of him wanted to chew the shoes. He liked to chew.  
  
The dog gave a deep bark and curled up next to the fireplace. The wolf barked back in reply, and strolled lazily to the window, his eyes looking up. He was staring at a bright thing, a round thing, up in the black sky. It mesmerized him. He threw back his head and howled at it. For some reason he really needed to do that. He howled again.  
  
He liked this bright round thing. He wished it were a ball he could play with, or an animal he could chase. Did he chase animals? Not anymore; meat was always there for him. But he must have chased animals at one time. He was sure he had.  
  
He howled again. His ears pricked as the sounds came back to him. There were others out there, like him. Howling like him at the big shiny ball in the sky. He wondered what they looked like, what they smelled like, but for some reason he didn't feel much like wandering outside to find out. Outside things were probably very interesting, but inside it was warm and peaceful and there was always meat for him and water and this nice black dog who kept him company.  
  
He turned to the black dog, who was lying on its side, observing him. The wolf trotted over to the fireplace, feeling suddenly very tired. Wolves sleep a lot, and he needed to sleep. He curled up next to the black dog; doing this always comforted him. He leaned his head down and looked into the fire. It was pretty but not as nice as the big shiny ball in the sky. His eyes felt heavy. The fire was popping. He felt the black dog next to him, breathing. The wolf closed his eyes at last, and slept. 


	6. Chapter Six: Confession

Chapter Six: Confession  
  
"Hand me that Spellotape, would you, Remus?"  
  
Lupin blinked and looked up. Molly Weasley was balanced precariously on a step-stool, holding the edge of a huge banner against the wall. Lupin stood up and crossed to her, handing her the roll of tape. She tore off a piece and stuck it to the banner, then pressed it against the wall.  
  
"There," she said proudly, climbing down from the step-stool to admire her handiwork. "That's festive, I think."  
  
The banner read CONGRATULATIONS RON AND HERMIONE: SCHOOL PREFECTS.  
  
The letters had come that morning, telling Harry, Ron, Hermione, the twins and Ginny of the school books they would need. Ron's and Hermione's letters also had prefects badges inside. Lupin had said nothing but could not help feeling mildly surprised by the fact that Ron, and not Harry, had been made a prefect. Dumbledore must have his reasons, Lupin thought.  
  
Then again, Harry was thrilled to be returning to Hogwarts at all. He had won his disciplinary hearing, but Lupin and Sirius had been appalled to learn that he'd had to face the entire Wizengamot. For the whole court to be present for a simple disciplinary hearing of a student was unheard of, and spoke very clearly of Fudge's new animus against Harry. It was only Dumbledore's intervention--and the testimony of the Squib Arabella Figg that had turned things Harry's way.  
  
Beyond this was the news that Lucius Malfoy had been at the Ministry, had met Fudge just after Harry's hearing.  
  
"Throwing more gold at Fudge, no doubt," Sirius commented darkly.  
  
But Lupin found he couldn't dwell on the events of the past few days for very long. His mind kept wandering, back to Tonks. Back to what had happened in his bedroom on the day of his last transformation.  
  
His stomach roiled; he felt sick. He had not said a word to Tonks since then, not that he had tried very hard to do so. Tonks, for her part, had done her best to avoid him. The few times he'd actually seen her, she'd glanced at him and quickly looked away, quickly left the room, stumbling every time in her haste to flee his presence.  
  
The worst part of it all was that he really had been looking forward to a friendship with Tonks. He liked her, a lot. She was smart, she was funny. She had a youthful energy and enthusiasm that was infectious. She took her work seriously, but not herself; she was, in a word, refreshing.  
  
That's not the only reason you like her, said the voice in Lupin's head. He grimaced and looked down at the floor. You're attracted to her, admit it.  
  
Yes, he was. He clenched his fists and looked down at the floor. It had been ages, years, since he'd felt any sort of attraction for a woman. It had been so long, he took for granted that he'd ever feel this way for anyone again. He certainly never dreamed he'd have these feelings for a girl, a woman fifteen years his junior, a girl with constantly changing hair colors and wild clothes. But there it was. Since meeting Tonks, very few moments had gone by in Lupin's mind without some thought of this young woman with her sparkling brown eyes and ready smile.  
  
And then there were the dreams. Sexy, erotic dreams, dreams of her wet lips, her tongue, her flesh, her taste, dreams that caused him to sit up in bed, in a cold sweat, his groin throbbing, his mind reeling.  
  
He shook his head and told himself to get busy, to assist Molly with the decorating for the party that would happen in a few hours. Keeping busy kept his mind from wandering, from dwelling on Tonks's porcelain skin, the tears that had stained her cheeks when he'd snapped at her and frightened her.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The party was in full swing. Ron Weasley was in a particularly good mood, having received a brand new broom as a reward for his becoming prefect. Hermione Granger, was, as usual, focused on matters entirely outside being social; already she had drawn Lupin into a conversation about the unfair treatment of house elves, comparing the prejudice against them to the prejudice against all non-human creatures, including werewolves. Lupin couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm. She was almost too clever, too passionate for her own good. He also couldn't help notice that Ron was stealing looks at her every chance he got.  
  
Lupin excused himself to fetch some more punch, feeling as well as he could feel considering he was halfway through his cycle. The three weeks where he didn't have to take his potion were always precious to him. Not having to taste the horrible liquid as it burned his throat, leaving a metallic taste on his tongue.  
  
He was halfway to the punch bowl when he spotted her.  
  
Tonks was pouring herself some punch. She looked up, met his eyes, and promptly spilled half her punch down the front of her robes.  
  
Lupin swallowed. She looked very lovely. Her hair was blonde and cut in a stylish sort of bob; she'd even changed her eye-color to blue.  
  
She glanced to the right, to the left. Looking for an escape route, no doubt, thought Lupin sadly. But she didn't move. She seemed rooted to the spot.  
  
"Hello," said Lupin, from across the punch bowl.  
  
"H-hi," she said, blinking and looking away, then back at him.  
  
"How are you?" Lupin asked, feeling his mouth go dry and his tongue get thick.  
  
"Fine," she said shortly.  
  
"How's the punch?" he asked, and immediately sent a swift mental kick to his own backside. "How's the punch?" Not, "Forgive me for scaring you that day" or "I'm so sorry I snapped at you, please don't be angry with me" or even "You look beautiful tonight" but "How's the punch?"  
  
"It's good," she said. "I mean, I guess it is, I haven't tasted it yet. I'm wearing some of it, though. It smells good."  
  
She was talking very fast, as she had when they first met; her voice sounded nervous. Lupin felt his stomach plummet. She was terrified of him; she looked like a cornered rabbit, her eyes huge, her whole body tense, ready for flight.  
  
"Tonks," he said. "About--about that day. In my room--"  
  
"Forget it," she said quickly, and now she seemed to find her legs. She moved away from the punch bowl and started walking away from him.  
  
"Tonks, please," he said, feeling a little desperate. "I want to explain."  
  
"You don't have to do that," said Tonks, moving to a corner of the room, still avoiding his gaze.  
  
"I want to explain," he repeated, following her. She stopped and turned, trapped in the corner. Lupin stepped back, not wanting to crowd her, not wanting to scare her again.  
  
She finally looked up at him. Her eyes were steely now. Determined.  
  
"Fine," she said. "Explain."  
  
Lupin nodded, but suddenly found it difficult to talk again. "I'd rather-- not go into it here."  
  
"Whatever you have to say to me, you can say it here," Tonks said firmly, even as her voice shook slightly.  
  
Lupin let out a breath. She wasn't going to make it easy for him. That was her right. But he couldn't possibly tell her in this room, with all these people. With Sirius possibly watching them. Or Alastor Moody, with his spinning, all-seeing magical eye.  
  
"Please," he said, not really having to work all that hard at sounding pleading and desperate.  
  
She looked into his eyes and for a moment, a long moment, said nothing. But then she nodded and put her punch cup on a nearby table.  
  
"Lead the way, then," she said, her voice frosty.  
  
He nodded to her and walked quickly to the kitchen door, not looking back. He heard her stumble and swear under her breath, but she caught herself and followed him out the door. Up the stairs.  
  
"Out back," he said quickly, turning left and going down the dark hallway.  
  
"Wait," she said, and she pulled her wand from her robes. "Lumos." Her wand- tip illuminated.  
  
"Don't think I need to be stumbling round in the dark," she said briskly.  
  
They made their way outside. The night air was sultry and Tonks extinguished her wand tip and pulled off her robes. Lupin immediately wished she hadn't.  
  
She was wearing jeans again, jeans that hugged her in all the right places. Lupin blinked and tried to focus on the antics of a raccoon determinedly raiding a wastecan in the alleyway nearby. But his eyes strayed back to her, and her black t-shirt, that clung to her compact, muscular, curvy body. To the swell of her breasts. The sleeves were cut off, revealing pale, lean arms, the right of which was decorated with a tattoo. A scrolling, feminine tattoo that snaked around her bicep. Dear god, it was sexy. She was sexy. He wondered if she had other tattoos. Where they might be hidden.  
  
Knock it off, you randy bastard! he thought furiously. Acting like a bloody teenager.  
  
She tossed her robes onto a rusting garden chaise.  
  
"So, explain yourself," she said firmly, folding her arms across her chest. Lupin blinked and forced his mind to clear of lustful thoughts of her.  
  
"I'm ill," he said slowly.  
  
"You've mentioned that," said Tonks dryly.  
  
"You don't understand," said Lupin. "My illness is--permanent."  
  
"You're a werewolf," she said, staring at him with her piercing eyes.  
  
Lupin opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. Then he spoke. "How--how did you know?"  
  
"Hermione Granger told me," she said coolly.  
  
Nosy brat, he thought, but he didn't say this.  
  
"I probably would have figured it out on my own," said Tonks. "I had my suspicions, anyway."  
  
"Right," said Lupin, at a loss for what to say. He felt as though the rug had been pulled from under him. He had wanted to be the one to control this conversation, to lead it, to tell her in his own words, to explain why he had lashed out at her, why he so desperately needed to take every drop of that potion in the week leading up to his transformation. But once again she had surprised him, had caught him off guard.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked, her eyes narrowed.  
  
Lupin swallowed against his dry throat. He had forgotten to get himself any punch.  
  
"I--I suppose," he said slowly, "I was--ashamed." He blushed and looked at the ground. Well, this admission wasn't untrue. He'd always been somewhat ashamed of what he had become, even if his fate was not his fault. Even if he told himself over and over again that there were plenty of others without his condition who were prejudiced against werewolves without him adding to the mix.  
  
"It's nothing to be ashamed of," said Tonks.  
  
"I know," said Lupin dully. Suddenly he felt like a child, as though Tonks were some schoolteacher lecturing him. As though he was something young and silly and inexperienced.  
  
"You should have told me," said Tonks. "I would have understood. I'm not some delicate thing, okay? I am an Auror. I think I can deal with learning a friend of mine is a werewolf."  
  
"Forgive me," he said quickly, wanting desperately for her to understand. "I don't know why--I kept it from you. I--you're--" His voice trailed off. He couldn't look at her, but he felt her steady gaze on his burning face.  
  
"What?" she pressed, her voice no longer hard.  
  
"You're very lovely," he said in a low voice, wishing that his stupid face would stop burning. "You're very young and very lovely and I suppose--I didn't want to expose you to--to what I am. I'm very unlovely and I just thought--I didn't want you to see me--at my worst. I didn't want to put you through it." His voice trailed off again when he saw her looking at him, a hand on her hip, her eyebrows arched high so that they disappeared behind the thick blonde fringe.  
  
"I'm now painfully aware that the reasoning behind my silence was entirely sexist and medieval," he said, laughing nervously.  
  
Tonks gave a short laugh and rolled her eyes. "Just a bit."  
  
"That's the problem with us old blokes," said Lupin, relieved to feel that the heat in his face was receding from his face, his neck, his ears. "We're not quite used to modern women. The sort who can look out for themselves."  
  
"You're not old," said Tonks, and now color was rising in her cheeks, making her look younger and even prettier. "And you're not unlovely."  
  
She smiled at him shyly. Lupin felt his heart begin to race. She had just complimented him, sort of. She hadn't told him he was young and handsome, but that he wasn't old and unlovely. It was not that big a deal. But his heart was pounding and his palms had begun to tingle. He blinked at tried to squelch these ridiculous feelings, these schoolboy feelings, but they persisted. He was reacting as though she'd told him she was madly in love with him and wanted to--what?  
  
"Thanks," said Lupin awkwardly. "And thank you for understanding. About-- you know."  
  
"That?" said Tonks, in a voice that sounded like she was striving to be casual but not quite succeeding. "No problem."  
  
They said nothing for a moment, only looked at each other. She still looked rather shy, but her eyes were fixed in his, and she seemed to be moving a bit closer to him. He caught a whiff of something. Perfume? Tonks didn't seem the type to wear perfume. But he smelled it. Vanilla. Delicious.  
  
"I--I like you, Remus," she said, her voice slightly breathy. Lupin felt his heart pounding. She couldn't possibly mean--no, that was ridiculous.  
  
"I like you, too," he said, his voice feeling stuck in his throat.  
  
"I mean," said Tonks. "I--I like you." She blinked at looked at him again, and her eyes were different. Yes, she did mean what Lupin thought she meant.  
  
"Tonks," he said slowly. "I think--"  
  
"I guess that's forward of me," she said, blushing again. "Probably more of that modern woman stuff you're not used to."  
  
Lupin laughed nervously. Oh, if you only knew what I was really thinking, he thought, feeling a rush of blood to his--nether regions. No, he couldn't. He couldn't think about her that way.  
  
All right, he could. But he would not go down that road with her. She could tell him she accepted him, his condition, that she wasn't afraid, that she understood, but there would always be that risk, the risk that the potion would stop working, that he would become a threat to her. No, he needed to keep his distance. However badly he wanted to reach for her, crush her against him, taste her bow-shaped mouth.  
  
"It's very flattering," he said thickly. "But, you see, Tonks. It's, well, it wouldn't be--safe. I'd be dangerous for you."  
  
"I like danger," she said.  
  
Oh, dear god, thought Lupin. She was very close to him now.  
  
"Tonks--"  
  
"D'you like me?" she asked. Good lord, the girl--no, woman--was direct.  
  
"I told you I did." Run, Remus, run, he thought. Don't let her get any closer to you.  
  
"That's not what I meant," she said. So close now. Her body was inches from his. She was heady with the scent of vanilla. He was dizzy. Run.  
  
"Nymphadora," he choked. "I--can't."  
  
"Don't call me Nymphadora," murmured Tonks. She was against him now. Pressed against him. She had taken his hands in hers. He couldn't breathe.  
  
"Tonks--"  
  
But he couldn't talk anymore, because her lips brushed against his. Had he had breath to spare he might have gasped. The blood pounding in his ears rushed to his groin. The kiss was innocent, really. The lightest press of her lips against his. And yet it was so very erotic Lupin thought he might pass out. He pulled away.  
  
"Tonks," he said, breathing heavily.  
  
"What?" She looked surprised and hurt.  
  
"We--can't," he said.  
  
"You--don't want--"  
  
"I do," said Lupin, his voice thick and choked with emotion. "I do. But-- it's too complicated. I--I don't--I haven't--my condition."  
  
"I'm not afraid of that--"  
  
"I know you're not," said Lupin, backing away from her, wishing his mouth would stop tingling. "It's not that. I'm the one who is afraid. For what-- could happen. To you."  
  
"Remus, come on--"  
  
"Tonks, please," Lupin begged. "This is not easy for me. I--I care about you. Very much. And it's because I care that I can't--do this. However badly I might want to. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you. If I made something happen to you."  
  
"But--Hermione told me you take a potion," said Tonks, looking still more hurt. "As long as you take your potion you're safe. That's why you--got angry with me that day. Because you needed your potion so badly."  
  
"The potion keeps me from being dangerous," said Lupin. "That's true. But I don't know how long it will work for me. I've already had to increase the dosage once. And I can only increase the dosage a few more times before taking it becomes more dangerous than my affliction itself. In a few years Wolfsbane Draught might be no good to me at all anymore. I'll go back to the way I was. I'd--hurt you. Hurt myself. Please, don't--don't make this more difficult than it is."  
  
Tonks opened her mouth to protest, but then seemed to think better of it, and nodded. She looked hurt, but she forced a mile.  
  
"I understand," she said. "I'm sorry." A pause. "Friends, then."  
  
"Friends," he said. She held out her right hand, and he shook it, trying to ignore the tingles racing up his arm, the tingling still happening on his mouth.  
  
They stood in silence for a moment; the raccoon in the alleyway managed to dislodge the lid of the wastecan and was rummaging round inside for scraps.  
  
"Does it hurt?" Tonks asked. "Being a werewolf, I mean."  
  
"It did," said Lupin. "The potion helps with the pain. The potion eases the pain of transforming, and it keeps me calm. With it I just turn into a wolf like any other. I don't feel the need to attack."  
  
"And without it?" She was watching him intently. He forced himself to look at her.  
  
"Without it, I become a monster," he said, his voice shaking just a bit. "A man and a wolf at the same time but--but with this--this bloodlust. I have no control. I want only to rip and tear everything apart. Others. Myself. There's no desire in me but to--to taste blood."  
  
Tonks nodded, but her eyes had a thin film of tears on them.  
  
"I don't want your pity," Lupin said roughly.  
  
"I'm not offering any pity," said Tonks. "I just--when did it happen?"  
  
Lupin swallowed. "I was ten years old," he said softly. "I'll never forget that day. A full moon. The most beautiful full moon I think I've ever seen. A harvest moon. I lived in the country with my parents. They were--well-to- do sorts. They liked to throw big parties, invite half the village. That night, they threw a big party, outside. We lived on an estate near some woods. I was bored at the party; there were no other children there to play with. So I wandered off. Into the woods."  
  
He paused, and swallowed again. He hadn't told this story to anyone in years. Not in its entirety, anyway.  
  
"My parents didn't notice at first," said Lupin. "I was always running off into the woods. I loved the woods. There were no other children nearby, no other families with children. I had no friends, really. Just the woods. The trees and the bugs and this pathetic little stream that to me was like a giant river. The moon was so bright that night it was almost like day. I remember. And it was autumn, and the leaves had fallen, so the moonlight penetrated everything. I ran off, into the woods, like I'd done hundreds of times."  
  
He paused again, feeling a lump in his throat, feeling his body tense as the memories came rushing back to him. He'd been leaping across boulders in the stream. Skipping stones. Smiling up at the moon.  
  
"It happened very fast. One moment I was leaping onto the bank of that stream and the next--this monster came out of nowhere. I didn't run. I just stared at it. I couldn't fathom that it might be dangerous. It just looked pathetic. Its eyes--they weren't cruel. They were haunted. Afraid. Desperate. At least that's what I thought. I think I even tried to talk to it.  
  
"I'd heard of werewolves, of course. You don't grow up in a magical family without hearing of them, and all the other dangerous magical creatures in existence. But when I saw one I--I remember being fascinated, not scared. For a moment there, when I looked at this thing in front of me, it was as if--as if we understood each other. I thought, 'so I'm looking at a werewolf. Interesting. It's not so bad.' And then it attacked."  
  
Lupin turned away from her, not wanting her to see his eyes, which were burning.  
  
"It didn't hurt that much," he said. "Odd, really. The wolf ripped into my flesh and it bled like the devil but it didn't hurt. I screamed, of course, but not because it hurt. Not even because I was frightened. I screamed because I was surprised. Because I felt--betrayed. Just like a child. 'I never did anything to you. Why are you attacking me? Why'd you bite me?'  
  
" I wasn't that far from the house. That's probably what saved my life, looking back, that I didn't wander off too far, that the stream behind the house was close. And the fact that the damn moonlight was so bright. The werewolf let go of me and ran off. I don't know why it did. I saw my blood dripping on its teeth."  
  
Lupin blinked and looked down, but he did not look at Tonks. He felt, rather than saw her next to him. She was silent.  
  
"I managed to stand up. I was bleeding from this gash in my side. I thought my guts would fall out of me, but I was walking back toward the house. I didn't cry. My mother saw me and became hysterical. She and my father carried me back to the house and we went straight to St. Mungo's, where I was very ably patched up by the healers and given a Blood Replenishing potion. The healer treating me told my parents I was lucky to be alive. Lucky. I didn't feel so lucky when the next full moon came round."  
  
Tonks was next to him, and she'd taken his hand. This time he didn't pull away.  
  
"What--what happened to you?" she asked. "After--"  
  
"My parents didn't know what to do," Lupin went on. "No cure, no way to control me. I was ten years old and I had the strength of a giant and this blind rage, this drive to hurt things. To make things bleed. The only thing they could do was lock me in the basement and put wards round it to prevent me from escaping. But that--that only made me angry. I lashed out--at myself."  
  
"How--how is it you went to Hogwarts?" Tonks asked.  
  
"Dumbledore," said Lupin. "He's the most fearlessly compassionate man I know. Perhaps to a fault. He wrote to my parents and told me that under no circumstances were they to prevent me from attending the school. He insisted that having me there, learning magic, might help me learn how to control myself when I transformed."  
  
"But--but you didn't learn," said Tonks. It was not a question.  
  
"No, I didn't," said Lupin. "Dumbledore realized even before I came to school that he had a lot more on his hands than some eleven year old kid with a bad temper. They put up the Whomping Willow and every month I would be taken to Hogsmeade, to the Shrieking Shack. Everyone thought it was haunted, all the screams and ripping that was coming from it. Nobody went near it. It was the perfect place to hide me until I returned to myself."  
  
"And then you met Sirius," said Tonks.  
  
"And then I met Sirius," said Lupin. "And James. And they saved my life, in more ways than I could ever repay."  
  
"And--and some time after that, you--you found the potion?"  
  
"The potion found me," said Lupin. "Severus Snape discovered it. Ironic, isn't it? We hated each other in school but he's the one who's giving me the potion that makes me--almost normal. He gave it to me the year I was teaching."  
  
"That's why you can't find a job, isn't it?" said Tonks. Her voice became hard. "Because you're a werewolf. People. Stupid--fucking stupid people won't hire you because--because--"  
  
Her voice trailed off. Lupin flinched a bit at her language, her vehemence. He had long since given up on feeling angry at the bigotry, at the not- quite-polite refusals to offer him work. It took too much out of him to be angry. He could only manage quiet bitterness.  
  
"It's not fair," said Tonks.  
  
"Life isn't fair," said Lupin. They looked at each other and smiled sadly.  
  
"Sounds like something my dad would say," said Tonks, smirking. "I'm sorry, Remus."  
  
"Don't be sorry for me," Lupin said firmly. She was still holding his hand.  
  
"I'm not," said Tonks. "I'm sorry I was selfish. I--I went after you thinking--god, what an idiot."  
  
"What?"  
  
"When I met you I thought, there's a bloke who needs some cheering up," said Tonks, blushing. "I thought, he's--well, he's kind of cute, too, isn't he?"  
  
Lupin blushed. "I can't say anyone's ever thought of me as 'cute.'"  
  
"Well, you are," said Tonks, in a mock-lofty way. "And you just seemed different to me. Interesting. And I thought, wouldn't it be great if we got along. If--if he liked me back. Maybe I could cheer him up. Then I found out about you and I thought, that's fine, no big deal. I still like him. I thought, I'll just make him--forget--for a minute. That's why--why I kissed you, see."  
  
"Ah," said Lupin. He looked at her and grinned. "Is that the only reason."  
  
She blushed to the roots of her platinum blonde hair. "No. Of course not. But, well, anyway. It was selfish of me. I should have realized that you might be--uncomfortable."  
  
"It's okay," said Lupin. "I liked it. You kissing me. I just--don't think it's wise to take that further. My past history--doesn't bode well for romantic involvements."  
  
"Past history?"  
  
"A long story," said Lupin. "I think I've bored you enough with my long stories for one night."  
  
"I want to know," said Tonks gently, but with a trace of the stubbornness he had come to like so much.  
  
"Another time," he said softly. She nodded, and smiled at him again. They were still holding hands, but Lupin didn't let her go. It felt good. He felt good. Better than he had in a very long time. She understood. She accepted his choice. And they could be friends after all. It would be difficult, he thought, to push aside his other feelings for her, the feelings that wanted to take things further than the innocent kiss they'd shared earlier. But he could do it. Hadn't he always done? And she was tough. Tougher than she looked. They'd be friends, and be just fine.  
  
"We're missing the party, you know," said Tonks, her tone light.  
  
"Yes, I suddenly realize I'm starving," said Lupin. "And thirsty. I haven't talked that much since I was in school."  
  
She laughed. "You should talk more. You have a nice voice."  
  
"Of course, if you like scratchy voices," he said.  
  
"It's pleasant," said Tonks. "You're pleasant."  
  
"And cute," said Lupin. She laughed again. He liked her laugh. He liked making her laugh. He rarely made people laugh.  
  
"Don't get too full of yourself," said Tonks.  
  
"Never," said Lupin. "Shall we rejoin the party, then?"  
  
"Sounds lovely," said Tonks. He offered his arm and she accepted it, giving him a warm, radiant smile. His heart fluttered just a bit, but he pushed that aside and they started back toward the house. She stumbled on a flagstone and he caught her.  
  
"Thanks," she said, shaking her head.  
  
"My pleasure," he said. They reached the back door. He opened it.  
  
"Tonks?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Thank you," said Lupin. "For everything."  
  
She smiled at him, placed a hand against his cheek. "My pleasure. What are friends for?"  
  
______________________________________________________________________  
  
Author's Note. I am so NOT done yet. But this has been great fun to write so far. Thanks for all the reviews! 


	7. Chapter Seven: The Difficulties of Lust

Chapter Seven: The Difficulties of Lust  
  
Lupin and Tonks were back in the house and headed toward the stairs to the party when they heard it.  
  
"No! Riddikulus! Riddikulus! RIDDIKULUS!"  
  
"What the-" Tonks began.  
  
"Molly," said Lupin, and he started up the stairs; Sirius appeared behind him, followed by Tonks and Moody. Molly Weasley's sobs echoed down the corridors.  
  
"Mrs. Weasley, just get out of here!" cried Harry. "Let someone else-"  
  
Lupin burst into the room.  
  
"What's going on?"  
  
He stared at Molly, who was crumpled on the floor in a heap, sobbing, pointing a shaking wand hand at the writing desk across the room. The boggart who'd been hiding there had taken the form of Harry. Dead.  
  
Lupin pulled out his wand. "Riddikulus!" he shouted. With a loud crack, the boggart changed into the full moon, then with another crack, it disappeared.  
  
"Oh, oh!" Molly cried, as Lupin went down on his knees and drew her into his arms.  
  
"Molly, don't," he said softly, patting her red hair. "It was just a boggart. Just a stupid boggart..."  
  
"I see them dead all the time," Molly wailed, burying her face into his shoulder. He looked up at Tonks, who was hanging back by the door. She gave him an understanding look.  
  
"All the time, and I dream about it," Molly said. She sniffed and wiped at her eyes. "Don't tell Arthur. I don't want him to know. Being silly..."  
  
Lupin released her and handed her a handkerchief.  
  
"Harry, I'm so sorry, what must you think of me?" she said, looking up at Harry, whose face was frozen in shock. "Not even able to get rid of a boggart..."  
  
"Don't be stupid," said Harry, forcing a smile.  
  
"I'm just so worried," she said, tears starting again. "Half the family's in the Order, it'll be a miracle if we all come through this...Percy's not talking to us...What if something dreadful happens and we never made up? And what's going to happen if Arthur and I get killed, who'll look after Ron and Ginny? And Harry?"  
  
Lupin looked at her sternly. "Molly, that's enough. This isn't like last time. The Order are better prepared, we've got a head start, we know what Voldemort's up to-"  
  
Molly winced at the sound of the name.  
  
"Come on, Molly, it's about time you got used to hearing it," said Lupin firmly, glancing again at Tonks. "I can't promise no one's going to get hurt, nobody can promise that, but we're much better off than we were last time. You weren't in the Order then, you don't understand, last time we were outnumbered twenty to one by the Death Eaters and they were picking us off one by one..."  
  
"Percy'll come round," said Sirius. "It's only a matter of time before Voldemort moves into the open. Once he does the whole Ministry'll begging us to forgive them. And I'm not sure I'll be accepting their apology."  
  
Lupin looked over at Sirius, who had a dark, ugly expression on his face. Harry, meanwhile, looked frightened. Lupin looked back at Molly, who was collecting herself, wiping at her eyes with the handkerchief.  
  
"And as for who's going to look after Ron and Ginny and Harry if something happened to you and Arthur," said Lupin, "what do you think we'd do, let them starve?"  
  
Molly smiled weakly. "Being silly," she said again. "Don't tell Arthur."  
  
"We won't," said Lupin. "Come on." He gave Molly his hand and helped her up from the floor.  
  
"It's late," he said. "Perhaps we should call it a night. The children have to be up early tomorrow for the train."  
  
"Right," grunted Moody. "Off you go, Potter."  
  
Harry was ushered out by Sirius, who escorted him to the bedroom he was sharing with Ron. Lupin helped Molly out of the sitting room; she shrugged him off gently, insisting she was fine, that she needed to find Arthur, and she went down the stairs in search of him.  
  
Moody stumped down the stairs and headed for the front door.  
  
"Coming, Tonks?" he asked gruffly.  
  
"Go on ahead, Mad-Eye," she said.  
  
"Right then, see you tomorrow." He stumped out the front door.  
  
Lupin and Tonks watched Moody leave, then turned to each other.  
  
"Not exactly a festive end to the party," Tonks said, grimacing.  
  
"No, it's not," said Lupin, shaking his head.  
  
They didn't speak for a moment.  
  
"It's starting, isn't it?" said Tonks. "This war."  
  
Lupin looked at her and felt a pang. She looked very young at that moment, very innocent. It didn't seem fair, really, for her to have to experience this.  
  
"I'm afraid so," said Lupin. "It will only get worse...from here."  
  
He felt his throat close as his mind drifted back to the last time, fifteen years ago, when Voldemort was at the height of his power. How many had died. And worse.  
  
"Remus, you all right?"  
  
Lupin blinked at looked at Tonks, who had closed the distance between them and had placed her hand on his arm.  
  
"Sorry," he said. "Just--reminiscing. It's late. I'm sure you must be exhausted."  
  
"Yeah," she said. "G'night." She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek, letting her lips linger there a little too long. Lupin closed his eyes, allowing himself to inhale the vanilla scent.  
  
She backed away from him.  
  
"Good night, Tonks," he said, not wanting her to leave. But she started down the stairs. He watched her as she stumbled, righted herself, and headed down the stairs and out the door.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Next day Lupin, Moody, Tonks, Molly and Arthur set to seeing Harry and his friends off to school. It went off well, for the most part, except that Sturgis Podmore had not shown up to participate in guard duty. Moody commented darkly on this, but Lupin couldn't focus on the absence of Sturgis too much. He was far too concerned about Sirius, who, disguised as the black dog, had insisted on accompanying Harry.  
  
Lupin could not approve of his friend's decision to go out, even if he could appreciate how badly Sirius would want to see his godson off, would want to get the hell out of the house he hated so badly.  
  
In the end Molly held her tongue, much to Lupin's relief. He did not relish any return to previous tensions.  
  
For the following few weeks things settled back into a fairly quiet routine. Lupin traveled, mostly to the environs just outside London, seeking out recruits. He'd managed to obtain more Wolfsbane Draught from Snape. Sirius, stuck inside, had become surly and sullen; his only respite was writing to Harry and spending time with the hippogriff, Buckbeak. Kreacher, the house-elf at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, took to avoiding Sirius as much as possible, which suited Sirius just fine.  
  
The Order had met only once in those few weeks; Snape showed up only long enough to report that a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had been found. One hand-picked by Cornelius Fudge. Her name was Dolores Jane Umbridge, and she had previously served as Senior Undersecretary to Fudge himself. Lupin didn't like the sound of this. Even more unsettling was the not entirely subtle hints from this Umbridge woman about imminent changes that were to occur in the school, changes having to do with curriculum and the manner in which teachers taught their subjects. Snape seemed especially put out this year by losing the Dark Arts job once again, and by the sound of this Umbridge woman, Lupin couldn't help but feel the smallest, most infinitesimal hint of pity for Snape. That pity vanished the moment Lupin had asked Snape for a fresh supply of Wolfsbane Draught; Snape had sneered and once again taunted Lupin with threats to withhold it.  
  
Lupin hadn't seen much of Tonks; he only knew she was pulling double-duty, first at her regular job as an Auror and second as a spy for the Order. He missed her company--her energy and sense of humor allowed him, however briefly, to mentally step away from the dangers he knew were coming.  
  
It was a morning three weeks after Harry and his friends had gone back to school that he finally saw Tonks. She arrived in the late morning, looking exhausted.  
  
"Hi, Remus!" she said brightly, covering up a yawn. She was standing in the doorway, her hair bright blue, her eyes dark, and she was holding a suitcase in her hand.  
  
"Come in," said Lupin. She hugged him and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He felt suddenly, absurdly happy to see her. Then he noticed the suitcase.  
  
"What's this?"  
  
"Some of my stuff," said Tonks. "I'm going to be spending a bit more time over here and I figured it's easier to just grab a room and throw some of my things in it. Plenty of space here, and it beats having to go back and forth to my flat all the time."  
  
"Oh," said Lupin. "You'll--be staying here, then?"  
  
"Sometimes, yeah," said Tonks. "On my nights when I'm on duty. You know. Why, don't you want me here?" She grinned at him mischievously.  
  
"Of course I do," said Lupin quickly, feeling a kind of thrill in the pit of his stomach. Tonks, under this roof, in a room down the hall from his...  
  
Cut it out, said the voice in his head. Friends, remember?  
  
"Anyway, I figured I'd take that room Ginny and Hermione were using," she said. "It's got a bathroom and looks appropriately Victorian and girly."  
  
"Let me help you carry that up," said Lupin, taking the suitcase from her.  
  
"Thanks," she said, smiling. "I'd probably drop the stupid thing, anyway."  
  
They reached the bedroom formerly occupied by Hermione and Ginny and Lupin dragged the suitcase--which was extremely heavy--inside.  
  
"Good lord, Tonks," he said, heaving the case onto the bed. "What do you carry in there? Your kitchen sink?"  
  
"Very funny," she said, rolling her eyes. "Just clothes, cosmetics, the usual stuff. But it's probably my boots that are so heavy. Steel-toe and everything. I've got three pairs."  
  
"Steel-toe boots?" Lupin said, trying not to steal glances at her as she pulled off her robes. Why did she have to wear such form-fitting shirts? And what right did she have to look so delectable in combat fatigue trousers, of all things? She looked very much like a hoodlum, in fact, with her tattooed bicep and her blue hair and her motorcycle boots and-oh my-the belly button ring that Lupin caught a glimpse of as she reached up to run a hand through her hair, causing her shirt to lift and expose the smooth skin of her tummy. He swallowed and gave a kind of forced laugh, trying to keep his mind on things aside from her very lovely skin. "I'd hate to be on the receiving end of a kick when you're wearing a pair of those."  
  
"I never kick anyone unless they give me a good reason," she said. "So you're safe, I think." She smiled at him again, and for a moment they simply looked at each other.  
  
"So," she said slowly. "I'm beat. Long night, you know. Patrolling. I think I'll grab a shower and a kip, if you don't mind." She sat on the chair near the bed and pulled off her boots.  
  
"Oh, right," said Lupin awkwardly. "Uh, shall I wake you at some point?"  
  
"Yeah," said Tonks, and Lupin felt his mouth drop open as she stood up and casually pulled her t-shirt over her head. Dear god, she was standing in front of him in her black bra and combat fatigue pants. "Give me five hours," she said, running a hand through her short hair.  
  
"Certainly," said Lupin, watching as she began to fiddle with the fastenings of her trousers. The blood rushed to his groin as his eyes stole glimpses of the curve of her back, the dip in her smooth tummy, that outrageously sexy belly-button ring, the swell of her breasts.  
  
"If you want to stay and watch, pull up a chair," said Tonks, grinning at him archly.  
  
"Very funny," said Lupin, biting his lip in the hope that somehow it might make his neck and ears stop burning. "I'll just leave you to it, then. Have a nice shower, sleep well." As he said this an image of Tonks showering flashed in his mind and he found his hands straying to the front of his robes, to his crotch.  
  
"I will," said Tonks, and she flashed him another smile, this one cheeky and flirtatious.  
  
"Yes, do that," he said, shutting the door to her room and hurrying away down the hall. His heart was hammering. Suddenly he wasn't so sure having Tonks in the house on a regular basis was such a good idea.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"I thought you'd be happy she was spending more time here," said Sirius as he helped himself to a roast beef sandwich.  
  
"Well, yes," said Lupin nervously. "But...why is she moving in? Is it really necessary? She lives in London, doesn't she? Wouldn't she prefer her own flat?"  
  
Sirius grinned. "I think she prefers to be wherever you are."  
  
"Sirius-"  
  
"I just call things as I see them, mate."  
  
"There's nothing to see," said Lupin stiffly, standing up and pacing the room. "Tonks and I have spoken at length about this. We agreed to be friends, nothing more. I told her everything, and she accepts that we can't become-romantically involved."  
  
"You told her everything?" Sirius said, arching his eyebrows.  
  
"Most everything," said Lupin, feeling himself blush again.  
  
"You didn't mention Narcissa?" said Sirius slowly.  
  
"No," said Lupin, looking away. "I didn't mention Narcissa."  
  
"Did you plan on it?"  
  
"At some point," said Lupin. "I've never been to eager to discuss the subject of what happened between Narcissa and me, you know."  
  
"I don't blame you," said Sirius. "You were a right mess after that whole thing."  
  
"Yes, well," said Lupin uncomfortably. "I think after seventeen years I'm well shut of it. Over it."  
  
"She's probably a Death Eater by now, anyway," said Sirius. "Like so many other members of my illustrious family. Except for Andromeda and Tonks, of course."  
  
Lupin picked half-heartedly at a chicken sandwich. The good mood he'd felt upon learning of Tonks moving into the house had mostly evaporated. He was nervous now, uncertain of where things might lead. He had missed having her around these past several weeks, but now that she was here he wondered if he were not better off before she had arrived. He had thought he was old enough, disciplined enough to control his feelings for her. But instead he'd spent the better part of the morning and early afternoon trying to rid his mind of the image of Tonks peeling off her shirt, of what Tonks might look like standing under a steaming shower, the hot water coursing down her body. And with those images was the horrible rush of blood to his nether regions that had left his groin aching. He felt like a teenager, randy as hell and unable to control his own body. It was ridiculous. Well, it was her own damn fault, said a voice in his head. What was she on about, undressing right in front of him? Was this something all young people were doing these days, dropping drawers in front of whomever they felt like, whenever they felt like it? Or was it just something Tonks did? Perhaps, being among one of the very few female Aurors in the department, she found herself in situations where changing clothes in front of men was normal for her, and she had simply reverted to form in her room upstairs?  
  
He tried to think about it logically. The truth was, Tonks wasn't beautiful. She was pretty, to be sure, but she was rather short. Her muscular, compact body lacked the kind of feminine, graceful lines that most blokes went mad for. Her breasts were not especially large or voluptuous. Her hair-regardless of whatever wild color it might be-was more often than not worn in that spiky, very tomboyish style, full of some kind of hair pomade that made it stand on end. She wore combat fatigues, for heaven's sake. And motorcycle boots. She dressed not unlike some kind of mercenary soldier. She was exactly the opposite sort of girl-woman-Lupin normally found attractive. She was certainly nothing like...Narcissa.  
  
Narcissa had been...entirely female. Tall, regal, beautiful. Feminine. Blonde hair that fell down her back. Lithe, long limbs and beautiful curves. Dresses that clung to her in all the right places. And the kind of cold, hard beauty Lupin associated with marble statues. Perfect, but entirely untouchable. Unreal. Even her name was something to be placed on a pedestal. Narcissa. And how appropriate a name it had turned out to be. The moment she'd learned of his condition she'd left him, seeking out someone far more respectable, in the person of Lucius Malfoy. Lupin swallowed his bite of sandwich. He'd been mad about Narcissa, blinded to her true character by her dazzling beauty, by the way she made love to him and told him all the things he thought he wanted to hear.  
  
Tonks-even her name was all wrong. A tomboy, too young, given to the kind of cursing that would do a dockyard worker proud, clumsy as hell. And yet there he was, chewing a chicken sandwich and trying not to think about what she looked like naked. Before he realized it, he groaned out loud.  
  
"What's the matter with you?" said Sirius grumpily as he took a swig of pumpkin juice. "You're looking right melancholy for a bloke who's allowed to leave this bloody house and go traipsing about London AND has the girl of his dreams living under the same roof."  
  
"I told you, we're just--"  
  
"Friends, right," said Sirius. "You always were a lousy liar, Remus."  
  
"So I have feelings for her, so what?" said Lupin heatedly. "It's not like I can act on them."  
  
"You could if you had any nerve," said Sirius.  
  
"Are you TRYING to get Tonks and me into bed, is that it?" said Lupin, abashed.  
  
"I'm trying to help you be happy, mate," said Sirius. "That's all."  
  
"Sex isn't...isn't the most important thing in life, Sirius," said Lupin stiffly, even though he knew that sounded very prudish and uptight.  
  
"Spoken like a man who hasn't had it in over fifteen years," said Sirius.  
  
"And you have, then?"  
  
"Prison, remember?" said Sirius. "Shagging opportunities don't come up much in prison. Unless you like getting it on with other blokes, which is not really my cup of tea. Then again the Dementors were there back then, sucking all the joy out of everything, and as shagging has always given me much joy, well, there you have it. And now I'm stuck in here, still lacking a nice woman who'll shag me stupid. And you've got a woman who almost certainly wants to shag you stupid and you have nothing standing in your way except fear."  
  
"Will you listen to yourself?" said Lupin incredulously. "My god, you're talking about your cousin."  
  
"Who's a grown woman," said Sirius, taking a bite of his sandwich. "And you can't sit there and tell me you haven't thought about it."  
  
Lupin blushed. "Well..."  
  
"I knew it," said Sirius, smirking. "And thank god for that. Because if you hadn't I'd start to wonder about you."  
  
"We're friends," said Lupin, but he didn't look at Sirius. "That's all we can be. If I...occasionally have thoughts about her that venture outside the platonic, that's just something I shall have to contend with."  
  
"My god, would you listen to yourself," said Sirius, shaking his head. "No wonder you were a prefect."  
  
"What exactly are you trying to say?" said Lupin, feeling defensive as he always had whenever Sirius-or James, for that matter-had ribbed him for being a prefect, for being "the good boy."  
  
"I'm trying to get you to see sense, mate," said Sirius. "It's not natural for a man to go without for that long. Why d'you think I'm so bloody cracked in the head? So cranky all the time? Because I haven't had the opportunity to give a nice woman a good rogering in almost a decade and a half. I'm amazed I haven't gone round the twist like Kreacher. You want to end up like me, do you?"  
  
"So you're saying that sex is vital to my mental health, then?" said Lupin.  
  
"Absolutely," said Sirius. "Otherwise you end up old and bitter and completely mental." He paused, and then pursed his lips, musing, "You know, maybe that's what Kreacher needs. I could find him a nice female house elf and they could--"  
  
"Sirius, that's disgusting," said Lupin. "But thank you, that appalling image you've created has managed quite nicely to ruin sex for me forever. Oh, yes, and ruined my appetite as well. What a relief."  
  
"Right," said Sirius. "Give yourself five minutes."  
  
"Very funny," said Lupin.  
  
"I'm just saying, it's a basic human need," said Sirius, grinning. "Maybe not quite up there with food and shelter and clothing but close enough. Man can't live by bread alone and all that."  
  
"Good god," said Lupin, shaking his head and smiling in spite of himself. "You're incorrigible."  
  
Sirius chuckled and finished his sandwich, then sat back in his chair and groaned good-naturedly.  
  
"Yup, that's what's missing in my life," said Sirius. "A nice woman. I've been thinking, that Emmeline Vance is quite striking. What do you know of her? What's she like? Nice?"  
  
"Emmeline Vance would tear you apart," said Lupin.  
  
"Would she?" said Sirius, his eyes glittering wickedly as a wide grin spread over his face. "Excellent. Invite her round for tea sometime, won't you?" 


	8. Chapter Eight: Developments

Chapter Eight: Developments  
  
"Sturgis Podmore has been arrested."  
  
The words echoed through the kitchen. Lupin closed his eyes and pressed the lids with his fingertips, fighting the onset of what he knew would blossom into a full-blown, monstrous headache. Three days since his last transformation, but he was still feeling the effects. He was exhausted. He was grumpy. He wanted a hot bath. He wanted to go to bed and sleep for a week.  
  
Kingsley Shacklebolt was running tonight's meeting. Emmeline Vance sat to Sirius's right, and next to her sat Tonks; she was across from Lupin and glanced at him from time to time. Molly sat next to him, looking stiff and irritable. Moody was standing in the far corner, staring at the proceedings through narrowed eyes but saying nothing.  
  
Attendance was sparse this evening. Arthur had been stuck at work dealing with some bureaucratic matter ("no doubt something Fudge came up with just to pile more work on Arthur, as if he's not overworked as it is," Molly groused). Bill, too, was supposedly stuck at work, but Lupin had a strong suspicion Bill was more than likely out on a rare date with his girlfriend, Fleur Delacour. Elphias Doge was not feeling well. Daedulus Diggle was on duty at the Ministry. And Sturgis Podmore's absence was explained by his arrest and incarceration at Azkaban.  
  
"What on earth was he arrested for?" said Molly, shaking her head.  
  
"Trying to break in," said Kingsley. "To the Department of Mysteries."  
  
An audible gasp went up along the table, and at this even Lupin sat up and took notice, his encroaching headache momentarily forgotten.  
  
"You don't think...dear god," said Emmeline Vance, a slender, elegant hand going to her throat.  
  
"It looks that way, doesn't it?" said Kingsley. "Like he betrayed us and got caught in the act. Not that the Ministry knows anything. As far as they're concerned, Sturgis showed up in the middle of the night and tried out a little B&E in a Ministry corridor. But the punishment is still stiff. Six months in Azkaban, and the entire Wizengamot heard his trial."  
  
"Excuse me," said Emmeline, in her smooth, elegant voice. Lupin noticed Sirius watching her and bit his lip to keep from smiling. Now was hardly the time to reminisce about their conversation from a few days earlier. "B&E?" Emmeline asked.  
  
"Breaking and entering," said Tonks.  
  
"Ah," she said, nodding.  
  
"Six months in Azkaban for trying to open a door?" said Sirius. "He didn't even get inside."  
  
"But you see why, don't you?" said Lupin. "This is just another example of Fudge's paranoia. He's making an example of Sturgis. Sending a message. A very clear message."  
  
"If you ask me, I wouldn't be surprised if Fudge doled out that sentence out of spite for not being able to pin anything on Harry," said Sirius darkly.  
  
"Whatever his reasons," said Kingsley, "the point is, it happened."  
  
"But Sturgis?" said Molly, shaking her head again.  
  
"It hardly seems like something he'd do," said Emmeline doubtfully. "Betray the cause like that. He was in the Order the first time, I remember..."  
  
"Maybe he wasn't acting out of his own volition," suggested Tonks. "Who's to say some Death Eater didn't get to him, hit him with an Imperius Curse and make him go to the Ministry that night and try to break in? We know Lucius Malfoy is in and out of there all the time, and Malfoy's very thick with Fudge, isn't he?" She said this last as though she'd just tasted something very foul.  
  
"That's actually a good point," said Lupin. "I don't think any of us here had any reason to suspect Sturgis, did we?"  
  
"But that means You-Know-Who would have had to know Sturgis was working for the Order," said Kingsley uneasily.  
  
"Not necessarily," said Tonks. "Sturgis just might have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or the right place at the right time, depending on how you look at it. Either way I don't think Sturgis was working both sides."  
  
"In any case," said Lupin, "Voldemort has people inside the Ministry. We know this. But we don't know how effective they've been at gathering information. At this point neither side is certain of what the other side knows. We're at an advantage and a disadvantage at the same time."  
  
"Agreed," said Kingsley. "And if Fudge is sending Sturgis to Azkaban for six months for breaking a door, that just means we're going to have to watch our backs even more."  
  
A few murmurs went up in the room, and then Sirius cleared his throat loudly.  
  
"I've got news from Harry," said Sirius. "It's not good. That new woman, Umbridge. She's tightening her grip on the school. Reading everyone's mail. And I'm sure we've heard about it in the Daily Prophet but she's been appointed something ridiculous called the Hogwarts High Inquisitor. She's monitoring what the teachers are doing."  
  
"Fascism by degrees, sounds like," said Tonks thoughtfully.  
  
"What?" said Lupin.  
  
"Fascism by degrees," said Tonks. "Sounds like this Umbridge woman-with the help of Fudge-is taking over the school."  
  
"Yes, but what do you mean by fascism by degrees?"  
  
"Well, it's like governments, isn't it?" said Tonks. "A fascist government doesn't usually come to power in one fell swoop. It gets power by degrees. Umbridge is restricting the freedoms of the students to communicate with the outside world. That's one degree. Next step, she's monitoring what the teachers are doing in the classrooms. That's another degree. Little by little she assumes more power for herself until she's running the place. Just like a lot of dictators throughout history. Well, Muggle history, anyway."  
  
"I don't like it," said Sirius. "This woman Umbridge sounds like bad news. For one thing she's not really teaching the students any defensive magic at all. And I think she has it out for Harry. She was at his hearing, don't forget."  
  
"Unfortunately we can't do much for the school at this point," said Kingsley. "That's Dumbledore's domain. But we do know that the Floo network is still being watched and Portkeys are impossible to come by. Dumbledore can't Apparate here and tell us anything. And if post is being monitored there's a good bet we won't be getting any letters from him anytime soon."  
  
"Dumbledore has other ways of getting in touch," said Lupin. "And Dumbledore has a reason for keeping a low profile. He's there to protect the students, but Harry most of all. If Dumbledore goes openly against the Ministry they might swoop in and yank him out of there. Lucius Malfoy has been out for Dumbledore for ages, and with his influence in the Ministry, coupled with Fudge's animosity toward Dumbledore..."  
  
More murmurs in the crowd. Lupin felt his headache return; his brain hurt. He glanced at Tonks and she gave him a sympathetic smile.  
  
"Right," said Kingsley. "If that's all there is to report at the moment, the meeting's adjourned. Tonks, you'll be-"  
  
"Yeah," said Tonks, standing up. She yawned and stretched. "Lucky me, getting to play dress up."  
  
"Come on, now," said Kingsley. "I'm your date for this evening, it won't be ALL bad."  
  
"True," said Tonks.  
  
"What are you on about?" asked Sirius, glancing at Lupin and then back at Tonks.  
  
"Oh, right," said Tonks. "There's some social event at the Ministry tonight. Party for new Aurors. Kingsley and I have to put in an appearance, unfortunately."  
  
"Cheer up, Tonks," said Kingsley, clapping her on the back so hard she stumbled.  
  
"Cheer up, yourself," said Tonks angrily. "You're not the one who...oh...bloody hell. Never mind." She rolled her eyes and then glanced at Lupin, who studied her curiously, not certain of what she meant.  
  
"Tonks has to wear a dress," said Kinsgley. "Dress code is 'after six.'"  
  
"A dress?" said Sirius. "Good god, Tonks, I'm sorry."  
  
"What's wrong with wearing a dress?" Lupin asked, his headache abating as he imagined how lovely Tonks might look in one.  
  
"I haven't worn a dress since I was six years old, Remus," said Tonks, rolling her eyes. "Well, not counting my school uniform. Which, I might add, is just a sexist thing. Why should girls HAVE to wear skirts at school? Do you know how bloody cold it gets in the winter, wearing a skirt?"  
  
"Oh, stop your grousing," said Kingsley. "It's only for an hour and then we can slip out and you can go back to your flat or come back here or go to your belfry or whatever it is you do." He winked at her.  
  
"He's a comedian," said Tonks, grinning, first at Kingsley, then at Lupin. Lupin smiled back. He was vaguely aware that Sirius had gotten up and was engaging Emmeline Vance in conversation.  
  
"Anyway," said Tonks, "I should run upstairs and change, I guess. Won't be a minute."  
  
Kingsley nodded to Lupin and gathered up several pieces of parchment, which he tucked inside his robes. He then joined Moody, who declared loudly that he needed to "fortify" himself for the evening ahead and thus began drinking from his hip flask.  
  
Lupin stood up and stretched, feeling his bones ache. His muscles were stiff; the hot bath would feel like heaven. He blinked, rubbed his eyes, ran a hand through his hair, and started up the stairs, so exhausted now that his brain seemed to shut down and forget all about what Tonks might look like in a dress.  
  
He might have continued in this vein of non-thought if he hadn't collided with Tonks on the upstairs landing as she was leaving her room and he was heading toward his.  
  
"Oh!"  
  
For what was perhaps the twentieth time since they'd met, Lupin caught her.  
  
"Sorry," she said, pulling herself up. Lupin blinked and felt his mouth go dry.  
  
"Tonks," he said, "you look...devastating. And I mean that in the best possible way."  
  
She did. She wore a burgundy dress made of rich velvet with thin straps; it skimmed her body and gave her curves he hadn't noticed she had. It was cut dangerously low in front and Lupin didn't even try to avert his eyes from skipping over the swell of her cleavage, how luscious and pale her skin looked. But it wasn't just the dress.  
  
She'd changed her hair; instead of the pink it had been earlier it was now deep, dark brown and curled softly around her face, falling in large, loopy ringlets just past her chin. She wore a simple beaded necklace and her lips were stained a juicy wine color and they looked wet and shiny. And very delicious. On her feet were a pair of black pumps, and her lean, muscled legs were wrapped in silk stockings.  
  
"Thanks," she said, blushing. "Uh, this is...well...I look like this. You know, when I haven't...anyway, this is me au naturel, I guess. I mean, I don't wear dresses. Especially not like this. And of course my lips aren't naturally this...red..."  
  
She was talking very fast again; Lupin couldn't help but enjoy it when she got nervous. It was so...endearing.  
  
"Oh, shit!"  
  
Lupin blinked, still not quite used to Tonks's rather colorful vocabulary.  
  
"What?" he asked. She was bent over in a rather alluring pose and Lupin saw she had pulled her dress up over her right thigh and was examining her leg. He tried not to look. He looked anyway.  
  
"Bloody stockings," she said, and she gave a sigh of disgust. "Would you look at that ladder I managed to put there?" She pointed in aggravation at an ugly ladder that had torn into the stocking. "Probably got it when I tripped and fell into you. Dammit. These things cost me twelve quid at Harrod's. Overpriced piece of junk."  
  
"I'm...sorry," said Lupin, trying not to chuckle. But then she did something that made his heart leap into his throat.  
  
"Excuse me," she said, and she kicked off her black pumps and yanked up the skirt of her dress over her hips. She then gripped the waistband of the stockings and pulled them down in one swift motion, allowing the skirt of her dress to fall over her knickers, which Lupin managed to notice were black. And lacy. And very...small. He swallowed and was grateful beyond belief that his robes were hiding what was happening inside his trousers.  
  
"Sorry 'bout that," she said. "Hope I didn't shock you." She picked up the stockings and balled them up, then tossed them carelessly through the door of her room. "Guess I'm going bare-legged tonight." She slipped on her shoes, and she was three inches taller.  
  
"Oh, uh, no," said Lupin. "I mean, you didn't...shock me. Too much."  
  
"That's what I like about you, Remus," said Tonks, smiling at him. "You're so old fashioned."  
  
He laughed nervously and shifted slightly; his trousers were beginning to pinch him a bit and he suddenly really needed to be away from her and her beautiful dark brown hair and that vanilla scent that always clung to her as tightly as the dress she was wearing.  
  
"Well, I'm off," she said. "Won't be out long, I don't imagine. Hold down the fort for me."  
  
"You're coming back here tonight," said Lupin. It was not a question.  
  
"Yeah, might as well," said Tonks. "Actually I like it here. The bathroom in my room puts the one back in my flat to shame." She smiled.  
  
"Anyway," she said, "see you later." She leaned up just slightly and gave him a kiss on the cheek, and again she let her lips linger just a bit. Lupin closed his eyes and clenched his fists.  
  
"Oops, left a mark," she said, and suddenly she was rubbing her thumb on his cheek. He opened his eyes and his gaze met hers.  
  
And the world stopped. It was just the two of them, standing in the corridor. The smell of vanilla assaulted his senses, making him dizzy. Her eyes were bright and glittering. Her lips were wet, so very wet. She was close. So close. He could take her in his arms right now and kiss her, devour her mouth with his own and taste her tongue...  
  
"Have fun," he said instead, swallowing hard and moving past her.  
  
"Right," she said, blinking and self-consciously patting her hair. "'Bye."  
  
She walked down the stairs, stumbling halfway down but catching herself, and met Kingsley at the front door.  
  
"Tonks, you clean up nicely," he said dryly.  
  
"Shut it, Kingsley," said Tonks. "Let's get this over with, shall we?"  
  
"Your robes," he said grandly, and he handed her the set of black robes, which she threw on over herself.  
  
Lupin watched her move through the door, her arm in Kingsley's, and felt insanely, absurdly jealous that Kingsley was her date that night, and not himself. 


	9. Chapter Nine: Interlude

Chapter Nine: Interlude  
  
Lupin checked his watch again for the twelth time in as many minutes.  
  
An hour, he told himself. She said she'd only be an hour. She must have gotten held up.  
  
He began to pace. The pleasantness of his bath, the soothing, warming water that had eased the knots in his muscles, was a distant memory. He was tense again. His jaw was set.  
  
Tonks was late.  
  
Two hours since she'd walked out the front door of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. Two bloody hours of Lupin having to endure visions of her wearing that burgundy velvet dress, seeing her yank up her skirt and giving him a glimpse, just a glimpse, of those scandalous black lace knickers.  
  
His lustful thoughts competed with his worried ones; he was a bit disgusted with himself that his erection still hadn't fully calmed down.  
  
The problem was that the only thing that might make it calm down involved horrifying visions of Tonks lying dead in an alleyway somewhere.  
  
Another fifteen minutes passed. He gave an exasperated sigh and told himself he was being ridiculous. For all he knew she was still at the Ministry party having a good time. But that thought made him jealous, because a part of him didn't WANT her to be having a good time, he wanted her back here. Safe. Away from Kingsley. And preferably wearing something other than that burgundy dress, something that hadn't nearly inspired Lupin- two hours and fifteen minutes earlier-to tear it off her and ravish her right there in the corridor where she'd stood.  
  
Another fifteen minutes passed. Lupin pulled on his ratty pair of Oxfords. It was time to wake Sirius (who had disappeared to somewhere in the house; just where, Lupin couldn't say) and go and search for her. She could be anywhere. She might have even gone back to her own flat. But he couldn't pace around another moment.  
  
He exited his bedroom and started toward the stairs when he heard the soft click of the front door opening.  
  
Tonks was back.  
  
For reasons he didn't understand right then, he stood frozen in place and watched her. She entered the house slowly and closed the door softly behind her. Her robes were wrapped round her tightly. Her movements were tentative; she was trying very hard not to make noise, not to wake the portraits behind the heavy velvet curtain in the foyer.  
  
She didn't start up the stairs, however. She moved toward the door leading to the kitchen.  
  
"Tonks?" Lupin asked, wondering why she'd be going downstairs. Surely she wasn't hungry.  
  
"Remus, hi," she said, her voice sounding oddly hollow. She didn't look up at him, but her eyes were fixed on the floor. "Didn't expect you to be up."  
  
"I couldn't sleep," he said, hurrying down the stairs, sensing instantly that something was very wrong. "I was worried about you."  
  
"That's nice of you," she said, still not looking at him even.  
  
"Tonks," he said, and he put a hand under her chin and tilted her face up.  
  
"Dear god," he gasped. "What happened?"  
  
Her face was a mess. A cut on her left cheek, another above her right eyebrow; the right eye itself was swollen and purple. Her hair was tangled and he saw, to his horror, that her robes were torn.  
  
"You think I look bad," she said, smiling and wincing. "You should see the other guy."  
  
"Good lord, Tonks," he whispered, as she coughed and sank against him. "What happened? Please tell me."  
  
"Mugged," she said, and he felt her trembling through her robes. "On my way home."  
  
"Where was Kingsley?" Lupin demanded, stepping back from her and gripping her shoulders.  
  
"Parted ways just after the party," she said. "He had to get home to his kids. His wife's sick. He offered to walk me home-"  
  
"Why didn't you let him?" Lupin demanded. "You-you were walking round London at this time of night on your own?"  
  
Tonks looked at him and her eyes flashed. "Yes, I was. I can take care of myself."  
  
"I can see that," said Lupin sarcastically, struggling against his inclination to raise his voice. "Good heavens, Tonks. You can't just go wandering round the streets this time of night. A young woman, dressed as you're dressed? You're easy prey."  
  
"Thanks, Remus," Tonks hissed. "I'm glad to see you care enough to lecture me about walking round London looking like a scrubber. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go clean myself up downstairs. Don't want to drip blood on that nice carpet in my bedroom."  
  
She turned on her heel and started down the stairs. She stumbled, but Lupin was faster and he caught her.  
  
"Let go of me, I can walk on my own," she said in a low voice.  
  
"Tonks, dammit, let me help you," said Lupin, still entirely bewildered at her reaction to his concern.  
  
"I told you, I can take care of myself," she snapped, her voice hissing again. She stomped down the stairs and flung open the door to the kitchen. She was limping. Lupin blinked, at a loss for what to do.  
  
"Tonks!" he whispered, then he completed the journey down the stairs and went into the kitchen, shutting the door firmly behind him.  
  
"What?" she snapped. She had pulled off her robes and thrown them on the kitchen table and was filling a glass with water from the sink.  
  
Lupin gasped again. Her dress had been torn in several places. One of the straps was broken. Her right knee was bleeding from a very ugly gash. He felt his heart jump into his throat, and he approached her as she downed the glass of water.  
  
"Tonks, please," he said. "Tell me what happened."  
  
"I told you, I was mugged," she said angrily. "By some very angry Muggle."  
  
"Mugged? Is that it?" he asked, not daring to voice what he was fearing inside.  
  
Tonks was breathing hard. She shifted her weight and winced again, then she looked at him.  
  
"He tried a few other things," she said, biting her lip. "I don't think he'll bug me again, though. Or any other woman, for that matter. Seeing as I used a Severing Charm on his--"  
  
"Jesus, Tonks," said Lupin, blinking hard.  
  
"I'm fine," she said, her voice hard again. "But thank you for your thoughtful advice on how to dress and how not to walk around at night. Because, you know, I'm sure that shithead who attacked me saw me in my slinky little get-up and knew I was just begging for it."  
  
Lupin swallowed, suddenly understanding what had set her off before. "I didn't mean that."  
  
"Didn't you?" she said, turning to the sink and filling her water glass again.  
  
"No," said Lupin firmly. "Tonks, I only meant...you're a young woman and...and being alone at night...is dangerous. That's all I meant."  
  
"I'm perfectly well aware that it's dangerous in London at night," said Tonks. "I grew up here, okay? And I told you, I can take care of myself. As difficult as that is for you to believe. I wasn't kidding before. I may be a mess but you should see that bloke when I was through with him. I didn't go through three years of Auror training for nothing."  
  
Lupin bit his lip, torn at what to say next, or if he should even say anything. Tonks's fierce refusal to believe that she might be vulnerable, that, as a female, she might be in greater danger simply by virtue of her sex, struck him as hopelessly naive. On the other hand, hadn't she averted the worst tonight? Defeated her attacker? And she was an Auror, one of a very small number of witches who were Aurors. Surely that meant she was capable, that she was strong. He was caught between the chivalrous part of him-the part that Tonks would call old fashioned-that wanted only to protect her, and the part of him that knew she would resent it.  
  
"I'm sorry, Tonks," he said at last. "I didn't mean to lecture you. I was...worried. Very worried. I know you're strong. I know you're independent. But can you forgive an old man for caring about you and what happens to you?"  
  
"You're not old," she mumbled, sipping her water. She looked so very young just then. Perhaps it was those dark, loopy ringlets, that were now tangled round her face. Or the way her lips were turned down in a kind of pout.  
  
"You're a mess," said Lupin. "Let me at least help you clean up those cuts."  
  
She looked up at him and smiled. Her eyes were filled with tears.  
  
"I was scared," she said. "I was. But I thought of you and...and I got away."  
  
Lupin swallowed, moved by her admission.  
  
"Come on, sit down," he said softly, pulling a chair away from the table. She did, wincing as she did so, and he quickly filled a kettle and put it on to boil. Then he walked to the freezer and took out some ice cubes and wrapped them in a clean rag. As he crossed back to her, he stopped, opened the pantry, and pulled out a small bar of chocolate.  
  
"Eat a bit of this," he said. "It always helps." He handed her a piece of chocolate  
  
"Chocolate, my favorite remedy," she said, smiling and putting it delicately into her mouth.  
  
"That's a very nasty black eye," he said as he knelt in front of her. He pressed the ice against the bruise. She winced.  
  
"Ouch," she whispered.  
  
"Don't be such a baby," he said, smiling.  
  
"Shut up," she said. He pressed the ice against the bruise and for a moment she closed her eyes.  
  
"Did you really use a Severing Charm?" Lupin asked, pulling the ice away. "On his...uh..."  
  
Tonks giggled. "No," she said. "I didn't end up using my wand at all. That's why I got so beat up. I figured if I did the bloody Ministry'd be after me and cite me for some obscure code violation. And forget the Muggle police. They prob'ly would have taken me for some tart or something." She laughed bitterly.  
  
"You're not any such thing," said Lupin gently, as the kettle began to boil. He poured the hot water into a bowl and took another clean rag and dabbed it into the bowl of steaming water.  
  
"I need to clean your knee," he said. She shifted and pulled up the skirt of her dress. Lupin focused very pointedly on the gash in her knee and did not allow his eyes to wander up her thigh.  
  
"Good one," said Lupin, smiling wryly up at her. "I think it might leave a scar."  
  
"That's all right," said Tonks. "I've got plenty of those. Anyway, I didn't get that fighting him."  
  
"No?"  
  
"No," she said, shaking her head and smiling sheepishly. "Got it about fifty feet from here. Tripped over a ruddy skateboard and went toppling. Have you ever known a bigger klutz than me, Remus?"  
  
"No," said Lupin, smiling, dabbing at the gash on her knee with the rag. She winced again, but said nothing. He cleaned the wound, then noticed she had abrasions on her hands and arms.  
  
"My goodness," he said softly, dabbing at those cuts in turn.  
  
"This is nothing," said Tonks, wincing as he dabbed at a cut on her right elbow. "You should have seen me when I was little. I was a terror on the playground in primary school. The boys were afraid of me. And I gave my Mum no end of headaches, always injuring myself."  
  
"You're quite the tomboy," said Lupin, smiling as he cleaned the rag again in the hot water. "Let me see to that cut on your cheek."  
  
He dabbed very gently at it. She was suddenly sitting very still. Her breath smelled vaguely of chocolate and something else. Amaretto. She blinked as he dabbed, very gently, at the cut on her cheek.  
  
"Think it'll scar?" she asked.  
  
"Probably."  
  
"That's all right," she said. "Scars give a person character I think. And if I get sick of them I can always magic them away."  
  
"Hold still," he whispered, trying not to chuckle, as he continued to dab at the cut. She closed her eyes, and then he moved the rag to the cut over her eyebrow, dabbing at the blood there, cleaning it gently.  
  
She opened her eyes. His hand stopped, the rag still on her eyebrow. For a moment neither of them moved. He didn't breathe.  
  
She reached up and took his hand in hers. With her other hand she took the rag from him and placed it lightly on the table. Some small part of Lupin's brain signaled him to breathe, and he did, very lightly, through his nose, but the rest of him was frozen.  
  
Tonks was looking at him through hooded, dark eyes; the thin film of tears was still there, giving the irises a shiny, almost iridescent appearance. The dim light of the kitchen cast a golden glow on her skin. Her bruised, lacerated skin.  
  
Lupin swallowed; she took his hand and opened it. She looked down at his palm and then traced the lines there with the fingers of her free hand. He felt a jolt of electricity course up his spine.  
  
He should take his hand away. He shouldn't be doing this. Whatever this was. But he was powerless to pull away. He realized vaguely that he was very close to her, that he was on his knees and that they were aching, that her skirt was hitched up.  
  
He felt another jolt as she brought the palm of his hand to her lips. Blood raced to his groin, causing him to strain against his trousers. He sucked in his breath as she ran her lips over the palm of his hand, then sucked in another breath when her tongue brushed along the rough surface of his palm.  
  
Stop, he told himself. Stop, stop, Stop. But now she running his fingers along her lower lip, nibbling on his fingertips. Dear god. He closed his eyes, then opened them when he felt her place the flat of his hand against her chest, just above the swell of her breasts. She was looking at him with glazed eyes, her mouth wet, her lips parted. Not even the cuts and bruises on her face could hide the meaning in her eyes.  
  
Take your hand away! a voice in his head yelled. But she was holding him fast there, and the feel of her skin was burning his palm. She leaned closer to him, still pressing his hand to her skin.  
  
"Tonks," he whispered, his erection fierce and his brain on fire, "we shouldn't..."  
  
"Shouldn't what?" she whispered. So close. Her breath, her chocolate breath on his face. He felt a tiny moan escape his throat when she pushed his hand down to cover her right breast.  
  
"Oh, god," he murmured, opening his eyes. She arched her back slightly, letting her breast fit into his hand, and then she closed her eyes for a moment, opened them, leaned closer to him again.  
  
"We agreed," Lupin said, his hand starting to move on her breast, "...to just be friends..."  
  
"We are friends," she whispered, and she kissed him.  
  
Lupin heard the sharp intake of breath, but whether it was through his nose or hers, he couldn't be sure. His lips were tingling, his hand cupped her breast, her hands were on his face, she was kissing him slowly, her lips exploring his, lightly, gently.  
  
So long, he thought. It had been so damn long. A woman's mouth on his.  
  
But now it was this woman's mouth traveling over his, making feather light kisses as he fondled her breast and she moved her hands into his hair. This young, unpredictable contradiction of a woman that was making his entire body burn and tingle and his erection throb.  
  
And suddenly these light, teasing kisses weren't enough. He had to have her taste in his mouth. He moved his hand from her breast and cupped her face in his hands, and kissed her deeply, hungrily, opening his mouth and crushing it against hers, tasting her with his tongue. He heard a moan in his throat, and another in hers, felt his erection strain against his trousers, and his hands moved to her waist, pulling her closer to him, as he kissed her faster, deeper, wanting to devour her.  
  
"Oh, god," he said again, trailing his mouth over her jaw, to her earlobe, down her neck. His hands found her breasts again, caressed them through the thin fabric of her dress. She moaned and arched her back. He felt the nipples harden against his palms; she wasn't wearing a bra.  
  
"Remus," she sighed, pulling him closer to her, her mouth finding his again.  
  
Stop, stop, stop, a voice in his head shouted. You swore you wouldn't...  
  
But the voice died in his head as he felt her mouth on his neck, felt her hands move inside his shirt, trailing fire up the bare skin of his back. He pulled her from the chair and suddenly she was straddling him on the floor, her dressed hitched up. His hands roamed over her bottom. He kissed her mouth again; he couldn't get enough. His hands moved over the silken skin of her shoulder blades and his fingers wrapped around the straps of her dress, pulling them down... 


	10. Chapter Ten: Fear

Chapter Ten: Fear  
  
".there's always some food to be had round here."  
  
Lupin and Tonks abruptly stopped kissing at the sound of the muffled voice behind the door.  
  
"Don't remember shutting the door," said a gruff voice. Sirius.  
  
The door clicked. Tonks leapt up off Lupin's lap and immediately stumbled into the chair she'd been sitting in. Lupin jumped up and caught her, then right himself.  
  
"What the--" Sirius entered the kitchen. Followed by Emmeline Vance.  
  
For a moment the four of them said nothing. Lupin was breathing heavily, his brain in a whirl, his mouth raw from kissing. Tonks was flushed, her chest rising and falling, her hair tangled. Sirius and Emmeline were wearing nightclothes.  
  
"Well," said Sirius, his face breaking into a grin. "Good evening."  
  
"Hi, Sirius," said Tonks, blushing furiously.  
  
"Hello, Emmeline," said Lupin.  
  
"Remus," she said.  
  
Another moment of silence. Sirius then cleared his throat.  
  
"Well, isn't this a bit awkward," he said wryly.  
  
"Good lord, Nymphadora," said Emmeline suddenly, crossing the room gracefully. "What happened to you?"  
  
Sirius followed and together he and Emmeline examined Tonks's cuts and bruises.  
  
"Got mugged on the way home," said Tonks ruefully. "Muggle jumped on me. Got in a few good shots before I took him down. Remus was just, uh, cleaning me up."  
  
"Was he?" said Sirius, turning slowly to Lupin and eyeing him shrewdly.  
  
"Yeah," said Tonks.  
  
"Yes," said Lupin.  
  
"Right," said Sirius, smirking at Lupin. Lupin felt his face burn. Bastard, he thought.  
  
"So, Emmeline, what are you doing here?" said Lupin pointedly.  
  
Emmeline looked at Lupin coolly, her gaze austere and unruffled. "Sirius and I were having a discussion. We got hungry."  
  
"Of course," said Lupin, smiling at her and then smirking at Sirius.  
  
Another silence, this one longer than the last two.  
  
"Well," said Tonks suddenly, her voice high and tight, "I'm feeling better. Thanks, Remus. I'll just take this chocolate and, uh, go upstairs and have a bath, I think."  
  
"Are you sure you're all right, dear?" said Emmeline.  
  
"Oh yeah, fine," said Tonks lightly, laughing nervously and glancing back at Lupin. "Shame about my dress, though. Cost me a bloody fortune. I'll have to see if my Mum can fix it, I'm useless when it comes to sewing spells and what. Anyway, good night."  
  
She grabbed the remaining chocolate and her robes from the table. Her face had gone scarlet and she hurried out of the room, tripping just slightly on her robes.  
  
Lupin watched her go, his mind still churning. Only a few moments ago they'd been on the floor, him sitting on his backside, her straddling him, kissing her frantically. Now he was alone in the kitchen with Sirius and Emmeline Vance. Lupin didn't even want to consider what Sirius and Emmeline might have been up to. He hadn't even been aware she'd stayed behind from the meeting.  
  
"I'll just turn in," Lupin said quickly. Anything to escape the piercing gaze and smirk of Sirius.  
  
"You do that," said Sirius. "We'll talk tomorrow."  
  
"Oh, we certainly will," said Lupin, meeting his gaze. They held each other's eyes for a moment, and then Lupin nodded and strode out of the kitchen, thankful that his robes were hiding his still-present erection.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lupin shut the door firmly to his bedroom and began to pace. His erection had finally calmed down, and his brain was now fully awake. Too awake.  
  
What the hell had he just done? All those weeks of telling himself he wouldn't, he couldn't, he shouldn't, and he had. A million voices were yelling at him in his mind.  
  
This was Tonks's fault, he decided. Tonks, who had been flirting with him, teasing him, taking her clothes off in front of him, lifting her dress. She had started it tonight, hadn't she? She's the one who had taken his hand and put it on her breast, who had started kissing him.  
  
You didn't push her away, did you? he thought. No, you participated quite enthusiastically.  
  
Well, what else was I supposed to do?  
  
Not kiss her, not fondle her like that. What would you have done if Sirius hadn't interrupted you?  
  
I would have stopped.  
  
No, you wouldn't have.  
  
Lupin gave an exasperated sigh and sat down hard on his bed. He wouldn't have stopped. No sir, not at all. And he knew she wouldn't have stopped him. He would have torn what was left of her dress from her body, ripped off her knickers, had her right there on the kitchen floor.  
  
Lupin put his head in his hands, hating himself. And now, what would he do? The line had been crossed. How could he go back? And if he told her he couldn't pursue her sexually, how would she take it?  
  
He thought about what Sirius had said. For seventeen years Lupin had suppressed that part of himself, the sexual part of himself that, until the day Narcissa had left him, had been such an integral part of who he was. He had never been casual about sex.  
  
He was not Sirius, whose dazzling looks and lazy charm had attracted girls like flies to honey. His sexual exploits at school had become the stuff of legend in their last few years at Hogwarts, and afterward Sirius had never felt any need or desire to settle down with one woman. James had also been more prolific than Lupin; James might have loved Lily madly from the age of fifteen, but he didn't save himself for her, either.  
  
Lupin knew that his feelings on sex were based in part on his condition. As a young man, perpetually finding himself to be the unhandsome, undazzling, unremarkable best mate to two of the most popular young men around, part of him had believed he might never fall in love and experience that thing that every teenage boy obsessed about. That his being a werewolf precluded anyone so much as looking at him in that way.  
  
Once he had found a girlfriend, had experienced love and sex, he found it to be so revelatory, so heavenly, that he began to believe that sex was something bordering on the miraculous. And for him, most of the time, it had been.  
  
Until Narcissa left. Her leaving was so complete and had so devastated him that he promised himself never to so much as look at another woman again. He hadn't even allowed himself the release of masturbation in all those years. He'd put it out of mind completely, and it had worked. He had not felt those feelings, and he'd gone on with his life.  
  
Half dead, he thought bitterly.  
  
Lupin was afraid, not just of what his condition might mean down the road, how it might hurt Tonks. He was afraid to feel this way again. Afraid to know what pleasure felt like, what joy felt like. Afraid to be happy. Because he knew he could lose that happiness.  
  
He closed his eyes, ran a hand through his hair. He was exhausted. He had to speak with Tonks. He had no idea what to do. He wanted her so badly but then his mind traveled to what had happened to her tonight, how a Muggle had attacked her, injured her, nearly raped her. He thought about the war that was coming. About all those who had died the last time. And realized that being with Tonks also meant accepting that he might lose her.  
  
You can't do this, he told himself. If she's lost because of the war, you can deal with it. But if she's lost because of you, because of what you are, you'll never be able to live with it. With yourself. You could forget to take the potion someday. It might stop working. You have to step away.  
  
He rose from the bed and was just about to cross the room when a knock sounded on his door. He swallowed and knew at once it had to be her.  
  
"Come in," he said softly.  
  
"Hi," she said softly, as she slipped into his room and closed the door behind her.  
  
"Hello," he said, his voice feeling strangled. She had changed out of her torn dress, was wearing a grey tanktop and pajama pants. Her feet were bare. She had combed her hair, but had not bothered to use magic to erase the cuts and bruising on her face, her arms.  
  
"I was just--about what happened--" she began.  
  
"Tonks--"  
  
"Remus, I--I'm sorry," she said, looking at the floor. "I shouldn't have-- thrown myself at you like that. After you told me you couldn't--that you wouldn't--anyway, I shouldn't have done that."  
  
Lupin stood up and crossed the room to her, put his hands gently on her shoulders.  
  
"You weren't exactly acting alone," he said. "I didn't push you away."  
  
She looked up at him, tears in her eyes.  
  
"I care about you," she said softly. "I do. But--but I want you, too. So much. Since the day we met."  
  
Her words pierced him; she couldn't know how it felt to hear something like this, after so many years of telling himself he couldn't be with a woman, that he wasn't good enough, that his condition made him a freak.  
  
"I was being selfish," she said. "You told me you didn't want to but I pushed it. I suppose it was lucky Sirius walked in. You might have--done something you'd regret."  
  
"You wouldn't have stopped me, would you?" Lupin asked.  
  
She said nothing, looked at the floor, but she shook her head 'no'. A single tear dripped down her cheek and fell from her chin.  
  
"I wouldn't have stopped," he said softly. "Tonks, you can't know. What it's like for me. I've shut that part of myself out for so long. I buried it. And over the years I took for granted that I might ever feel that way again."  
  
"What way?"  
  
"Alive," said Lupin. "Alive and--and whole. Like a man."  
  
"You--you really haven't--with anyone--"  
  
"Not in seventeen years," he said, suddenly feeling, for reasons he didn't totally understand, very ashamed. He let go of her shoulders and sat down heavily on his bed.  
  
"Wow," Tonks whispered, sitting next to him. "That's--a long time."  
  
"I'll say," said Lupin bitterly.  
  
"Maybe that's why you--you kissed me back," said Tonks. "I mean, if I were a bloke and a bird was throwing herself at me and I hadn't, you know--"  
  
"That isn't the reason," said Lupin firmly, looking at her. "Well, not the whole reason. I admit that when one hasn't kissed a woman in nearly two decades one does tend to respond enthuastically when the opportunity presents itself."  
  
She laughed. "You really are a Professor."  
  
"I wouldn't have stopped, Tonks," said Lupin, putting a hand on her bruised cheek. "Can I wake up tomorrow and look at you and not remember what happened? I don't think I can. I think I'll fall asleep tonight wanting you, and wake up wanting you."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really," said Lupin. "But we're back to my condition. It's a part of me, I can't--I can't change it. And the potion I take may stop working for me at some point. And I'd be dangerous--"  
  
"I don't care," said Tonks. "Dammit, Remus. We're--we're in the middle of a war. The both of us might die tomorrow."  
  
"Don't say that."  
  
"It's true, isn't it?" said Tonks. "What are you afraid of? That you might be happy for five minutes? I don't give a shit about your condition, I think you're wonderful no matter what, I want you and you want me and we could actually be happy for a bit before the whole bloody world goes to hell round our ears! What is wrong with that?"  
  
"That's a child's viewpoint," said Lupin, standing up.  
  
She looked at him as though he'd slapped her.  
  
"I'm not a child!" she said angrily, her voice shaking as she stood up.  
  
"Then stop acting like one," Lupin said harshly.  
  
"Oh, brilliant," said Tonks. "I'm the child, but you're the one who's running away. I'll tell you something, Remus. For a former Gryffindor you're acting like a bloody coward."  
  
"Wanting to protect the people I care about is cowardly?" he asked, stung.  
  
"We're at war, Remus!" said Tonks. "I'm an Auror. Sort of a dangerous job, you know? You can't protect me from everything!"  
  
"I CAN protect you from me!" said Lupin. "Bloody hell, Tonks. Don't presume to lecture me about war. I've been there, I was there the first time. Half my friends died because of it, and I've as good a chance this time round to losing the rest of them, including you. But that's war. People die. People get hurt. I can accept it. What I cannot accept is knowing that I might be the cause of any pain for you."  
  
She stared at him for a moment, her eyes stricken and furious.  
  
"That's what it comes to, does it?" she said slowly. "It's all about you. You and your condition. You and your desperate need to push people away. Bugger them and how they might feel. Forget that you yourself are dead inside. But just as long as you don't have to deal with any GUILT--"  
  
"That's totally unfair!" Lupin retorted.  
  
"You think I don't know what it's like to lose people?" said Tonks, angry tears in her eyes. "Just because I haven't been to war? Just because I'm bloody 22 years old, you think I don't know what it feels like to lose someone? Having to bury someone you thought would be there forever? I do know, Remus. I know better than you think. I know what it's like to have pieces of yourself die. What it feels like to wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed, not want to face anything, to feel guilty for being alive while the other person's dead. You have the gall to talk to me about loss as though nobody else has ever felt it?"  
  
"That's not what I said--" Lupin began, his mind reeling. She had taken the initiative in their row from him and was beating him into submission with her accusations.  
  
"No, you just presume to dictate how things will go between you and me," Tonks snapped. "You stand there and tell me you care about me but you're too afraid to be with me. All this bullshit about protecting me? It's not about protecting me, it's about protecting you. From your own fear. From your own sense of guilt. From what it means to care about someone like that again. I'm standing here and I'm not afraid of what you are. Why are you afraid of me?"  
  
"Please, Tonks, you don't understand--"  
  
"No, I do understand, Remus," said Tonks, her voice turning sad. "I understand better than you know. I understand that you can't handle the idea that someone might care about you the way I do. I understand that you've taught yourself for some sick reason that you don't deserve it. I understand that you've developed quite a sense of martyrdom, which helps you justify pushing people away. I understand that you've underestimated me over and over again since the day we met."  
  
Lupin stared at her, now at a loss for words. He felt as though he'd been raked over coals again and again, her words ripping into him like claws through paper. Even worse was the knowledge that every last thing she had just said was true.  
  
"I feel sorry for you, Remus," she said sadly, walking toward the door, for once not stumbling on her own feet.  
  
"Tonks," he said softly. "Don't go." He couldn't let her leave like this.  
  
"I think I will," she said. "I'm very tired. Thanks for taking care of me downstairs, cleaning me up. You're a good friend, when you're not being a prat."  
  
"Tonks--"  
  
"Good night," she said firmly. She opened the door, walked through it, and closed it firmly behind him, leaving him alone in the dark, feeling perfectly wretched. 


	11. Chapter Eleven: Need

A/N: Somewhat graphic sex ahead. You've been warned.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter Eleven: Need  
  
Next morning Lupin pulled himself out of bed early. He'd slept badly, when he slept at all.  
  
His mind had not quieted in the slightest since his row with Tonks. Over and over he played their heated conversation in his mind, wondering how it had taken such a turn. He'd never meant to set her off that way. He'd only wanted her to understand.  
  
But she did understand, he thought. She does understand. And she's right, I am a bloody coward.  
  
He dragged himself into the loo, stood above the sink and gazed into the mirror.  
  
"Once again you look like hell," he muttered at his reflection.  
  
"On this occasion I'd have to agree," the mirror said back.  
  
Lupin splashed cold water on his face. He needed to shave. He desperately needed a haircut. Perhaps he'd submit to Molly after all, sometime after the next meeting of the Order. He brushed his teeth, but his mouth still tasted of Tonks. Her chocolate tongue. His hands still felt her skin.  
  
He shook his head and went back into the bedroom, pulled on his worn tan trousers, a heavy wool jumper, a pair of old socks, his Oxfords, and left the bedroom, walking slowly and dejectedly down the stairs.  
  
Tonks was not in the kitchen. She might still be sleeping. Or perhaps she'd awakened early and had left for work already. He couldn't face her today.  
  
Lupin brewed coffee and looked in the refrigerator for something to eat. He wasn't hungry in the least, but his stomach was roiling unpleasantly and he knew only breakfast would calm it. He settled on some toast. He was just sitting down with a cup of coffee when the door swung open and Sirius strolled in.  
  
"Good morning," he said. Lupin noticed he was in an inordinately fine mood.  
  
"You're cheerful," Lupin said dryly.  
  
"Yes, I am, quite," said Sirius brightly. "Is that coffee? Excellent." He poured himself a mug and sat down.  
  
"So, Emmeline Vance," said Lupin. "That was quick."  
  
"Are you suggesting that Miss Vance and I had carnal relations last night?" Sirius asked innocently.  
  
"Of course not," said Lupin, glad to be talking and thinking about something other than his own misery. "Emmeline stated quite clearly last night that you two were having a discussion. I gather by your ridiculous grin that it was quite an enjoyable discussion."  
  
"Yes, it was," said Sirius. "Emmeline is quite a firebrand. Has a very sharp tongue."  
  
Lupin rolled his eyes. "Always with the bad double entendres."  
  
"I was referring to her witty repartee, you randy dog," said Sirius. "And you should talk. Why were you on the floor last night with Tonks in your lap?"  
  
Lupin ran a hand over his eyes. "I don't want to talk about that."  
  
"Oh, ho, look who's acting all proper now," said Sirius.  
  
"There's nothing between Tonks and me," said Lupin bitterly. "I made quite sure of that."  
  
Sirius looked at him for a moment, then sank into his chair, his shoulders slumping. "Don't tell me you bunged it up."  
  
"Oh, I did, most spectacularly," said Lupin.  
  
"Let me guess," said Sirius sardonically. "You did your noble 'I can't get close to you because I might hurt you someday' bit and she didn't buy it."  
  
"That's about the gist of it," said Lupin. "All except the noble part." He took a sip of his coffee. "You were right, mate. I am afraid. Afraid of everything. Of her. Do you know what she told me? That I underestimated her. From the day we met, she said. And she was right, she was bloody well right. I have been underestimating her. Thinking she's a child, she's too young to understand anything, that she can't look after herself, that she'd- -she'd let me down."  
  
"She wouldn't," said Sirius.  
  
"I know that," said Lupin sadly. "Now I do. After she threw it in my face. After she threw a lot of things in my face. All of them true. She told me she wanted me and I pushed her away. I'm a fool."  
  
"I can't argue with that, mate," said Sirius, sipping his coffee.  
  
"Thank you, your support means the world to me," said Lupin with a smirk.  
  
"One of these days you're going to forgive yourself for being a werewolf," said Sirius shrewdly. "How far did it get with her, anyway?"  
  
"Sirius."  
  
"Oh, come on, it's me."  
  
"Not far," said Lupin, "but far enough to make me regret I stopped. Or rather that you and Emmeline walked in on us."  
  
"Sorry about that," said Sirius. "We were hungry. Talking so vigorously does give me an appetite."  
  
"I can imagine," said Lupin. "Where is Emmeline now, anyway?"  
  
"Sleeping," said Sirius. "Poor dear, I think I wore her out."  
  
"You're an arrogant bastard, you know that?"  
  
"It's just one of the many things that make me so lovable."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The weather got colder as autumn arrived in earnest, and the Order became increasingly busy even as regular meetings became more rare.  
  
Lupin had tried unsuccessfully to recruit werewolves for the Order. They were easy enough for him to spot, but the ones he managed to make contact with were skittish around him and all of them refused his offer to join the cause. Many of them were openly hostile to the idea that Voldemort had returned; others thought it might be true but were far too afraid to fight in the open. The two things they all had in common were that they hid their condition from everyone they knew, and that they all had steady employment.  
  
Lupin had not spoken to Tonks much at all. She had not appeared that morning after their row; Lupin was correct in guessing she'd left the house early. But he was stricken to see that she'd taken all her things with her.  
  
She hates me so much she doesn't even want to be under the same roof with me, he thought miserably.  
  
Except that this wasn't entirely the case. Tonks, when she saw him, was always polite to him. Friendly enough. She even managed a few genuine smiles toward him. But their relationship had taken on the pall of two friends who'd had a terrible row from which neither had recovered. From which one party--who clearly owed the other an apology--had not yet done so.  
  
Lupin knew he should, but he couldn't seem to find the energy to do it. He was more and more tired these days; living in Grimmauld Place was taking its toll. The screaming paintings, Kreacher's hateful mutterings, Sirius's dark moods that would come on suddenly and without warning, the utter bleakness of the house itself. All of these things weight on Lupin's mind like a cold, wet blanket. Somehow the idea of approaching Tonks, of begging her forgiveness--particularly when he was not sure he would get it--seemed to be too much for him to handle.  
  
Then there was Sirius. His moods were swinging wildly. He had clearly started up something with Emmeline Vance; when she was around his mood improved. But she was frequently busy, both with her job at the Ministry and with work for the Order. Her visits were infrequent. Lupin's own work for the Order took him out of the house often, as well. Visits from other Order members became more and more sporadic. Thus, Sirius was having to spend more and more time in the house, alone, with dozens of shrieking portraits and a disgruntled, hateful house-elf for company. More often than not, Lupin would return to the house to find Sirius holed up in the room where Buckbeak the hippogriff was being kept. Lupin tried his best to cheer up his friend, but it was a tall order, and Lupin began to fear for his friend's very sanity. Cabin fever was a gross understatement of what Sirius was going through.  
  
And then there was Tonks. Lupin's desire for her had not abated in the weeks since their row. On the contrary, every time he saw her he only wanted more, only regretted more letting her slip away.  
  
Before long it was near Christmas. The air was cold with frost. The days were overcast and more often than not, heavy rain fell. A final meeting of the Order was held in the week before the Christmas holiday. The mood was anxious among the participants. Another wizard had been arrested breaking into the Department of Mysteries.  
  
"Broderick Bode is in St. Mungo's now," said Kingsley Shacklebolt.  
  
"He tried to get it himself, didn't he?" said Lupin.  
  
"Yes," said Kingsley. "He didn't hold onto it long enough to lose his mind completely, mind, but he'll be holed up in St. Mungo's recuperating for some time."  
  
"It had to have been a Death Eater," said Arthur Weasley. "The Imperius Curse."  
  
"Bode would have known not to touch it," said Sirius.  
  
"In any case, once his memory returns, he'll face the Wizengamot, no doubt, and probably end up in Azkaban," said Kingsley. "You-Know-Who is getting bolder, and he's getting closer."  
  
"It's the Potter kid," said Moody. "You-Know-Who wants something to do with that kid."  
  
"Dumbledore said they have a mental connection of some kind," said Tonks. Her hair was short, wavy and platinum blonde tonight.  
  
"Because of the scar," said Sirius. "When Voldemort gave him the scar, he unwittingly forged a mental connection. Whenever Harry's scar hurts, he knows Voldemort's up to something. Angry, happy, whatever."  
  
"Is You-Know-Who aware of this?" said Arthur, concern furrowing his brow.  
  
"It's impossible to know, isn't it?" said Lupin. "But we have to assume if he doesn't, he'll find out. If Harry can see inside Voldemort's mind, it's only a matter of time before the reverse is true."  
  
"So Harry will need some kind of protection," said Tonks. "Some way to keep You-Know-Who out of his head."  
  
A silence went round the table for a moment.  
  
"Occlumency," said Lupin slowly. "He'll need Occlumency."  
  
"Good idea, mate," said Sirius, nodding vigorously. "Dumbledore could teach it to him, he's the best at it. Should we write to him?"  
  
"Dumbledore's probably thought of it already," said Lupin. "And in any event there's no way to contact him now. The school has practically been sealed off by this Umbridge woman."  
  
"She's taken over in earnest now," said Tonks, glancing at Lupin. "Reporting to Fudge hourly."  
  
"How would you know that?" said Moody suspiciously.  
  
Tonks gave him a very satisfied grin. "I have my ways." Lupin resisted the urge to smile.  
  
"The most important thing is that it's safe, and that Harry is safe at the school," said Kingsley. "In the meantime, we're going to need to expand shifts with the holidays coming up. Lot of people traveling. Ministry won't have much to protect it. Arthur?"  
  
"You can count on me," said Arthur. "And Molly."  
  
"And me," said Tonks.  
  
"I'm in," said Moody.  
  
"Me, too," said Bill Weasley.  
  
"I'm in as well, though my wife is going to kill me," said Kingsley. "I was supposed to dress up as Santa Claus this year."  
  
The meeting adjourned, and gradually people filed out of the kitchen. Tonks was putting several rolls of parchment into her bag as she stood at the end of the table. She started to pile them in and promptly dropped them and the bag; the contents of the bag spilled out over the table. Lupin started toward her.  
  
"Bloody hell," she said, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Can I help?" Lupin asked.  
  
"Oh," said Tonks. "Sure. Hi."  
  
"Hi," he said, his stomach clenching. He picked up a scroll and handed it to her; she slipped it into her bag.  
  
"How are you?" he asked, feeling ridiculous.  
  
"Fine," she said stiffly. "Busy."  
  
"Yes," said Lupin, taking another scroll and handing it to her. The kitchen was now empty but for them now; the candlelight was dim. "I've been busy as well."  
  
"Right," said Tonks, picking up another scroll and dropping it.  
  
"Tonks--"  
  
"Don't, Remus," she said, picking up the dropped scroll. "Just--don't."  
  
"Won't you even listen to me?"  
  
"I've already heard all I need to hear from you," she said, but her voice was sad, not sharp.  
  
"No, I don't think you have," said Lupin, wishing she'd stop fiddling with all of her junk that was spread out on the table.  
  
"What is it, Remus?" she said, looking up at him and putting a hand on her hip. "Are you going to beg me to understand? Tell me we really can just be friends? Tell me I'm being childish? Because I've heard it all before, and frankly I don't care to hear it again."  
  
She resumed the collecting of her things, but her hands were shaking slightly, and she kept dropping things on the table. A lipstick. Her brush. A quill. Lupin watched her for a moment and made his decision.  
  
"Tonks," he said softly.  
  
"What?" she demanded, sounding annoyed. She started to put her hands on her hips again, but he didn't give her the chance.  
  
Instead he reached for her and pulled her roughly to him. She gasped, but that, too, was lost as he crushed his mouth against hers.  
  
For a brief moment she stood frozen, and Lupin wondered whether he'd made a mistake. Whether she might push him away, slap him for his presumption. But then suddenly she was kissing him back, opening her mouth, moving her lips and tongue with his. He pulled her closer to him, pressed her against him. They kissed hungrily for several minutes, not coming up for air until Lupin thought he might faint.  
  
"Wait," Remus whispered. "Wait--" He pulled his wand from his robes, pointed it at the door and muttered, "Colloportus," then kissed her mouth again. He let the wand drop to the floor.  
  
His mouth dragged over her face, her jaw, her neck. Her hands snaked inside his robes, tugged at his shirt, pulled it out from the inside of his trousers.  
  
It was in that moment that he knew he couldn't go slowly, that he couldn't take his time. All the years of suppressing this, all the months of wanting her--he couldn't savor it now, not when the need was this great.  
  
His hands moved to the clasp of her robes and tore them open. She gasped again but he was kissing her hard, his hands roaming over her body as the robes fluttered to the floor. Her hands tugged at his shirt, his jumper, pulling them over his head; he paused only long enough to hurl the clothing away, then clasped her to him, kissing her frantically.  
  
He pressed her bottom against the table, then felt his hands grip her bottom and lift her; her arms were tight round his neck and he moaned out loud when she clasped her legs round his waist.  
  
Holding her with one hand, he swept the table free of the detritus of her bag; parchment, scrolls, quills, a hair brush, lipstick went flying, clattering noisily to the floor. He propped her up on the table and his hands went to her t-shirt; like a man possessed he tore it from her. She gave a small cry of surprise but then they were kissing again, his hands on her breasts, around her back, unhooking her brassiere, yanking away from her, tossing it aside.  
  
Her hands were at his trousers, opening the buttons. He gasped with relief as she lowered them, releasing his erection from the confines of the fabric. Her hands were on him, stroking him, driving him mad. He groaned and pulled her to him, grinding his erection against her pelvis, his mouth devouring her breasts. His need became overwhelming.  
  
His hands found her jeans, opened the buttons, tugged at them. His hands moved over her cotton knickers, between her legs, finding the wetness there. She moaned and threw back her head as he stroked her, moved his fingers inside the knickers, but it wasn't enough. He pulled at her jeans roughly.  
  
"Wait," she said suddenly, "my boots."  
  
She pulled her legs up long enough to unzip her boots, let them drop heavily to the floor; already Lupin was yanking her jeans down, down, down. One leg got caught on her ankle; she shook it and the jeans went skidding across the floor.  
  
She pulled her to him, gripping his buttocks, grinding against him. His hands found the elastic of her knickers, and he pulled, tearing them off.  
  
"God, Tonks," he moaned, pulling her against him, his sex seeking hers. Gripping her bottom, he found her sex and plunged inside.  
  
They both groaned; Lupin thought he might lose himself right there. She was so wet, dear god. She held onto him tightly as he began to move, slowly at first, but then faster, driving into her, giving into his own need, feeling his desire spike as she tightened her grip on him, tightened her legs round his waist, tightened the muscles of her sex to stroke him harder. Slowly he leaned over, lowering her onto the table as he thrust into her. Her head thrown back, her arms round his neck, clawing at his back, scratching him. He felt his need building, cresting; he buried his head into her shoulder as he drove into her harder, faster. He felt her nails on his back, felt the sting as they cut his flesh, groaned as her hands gripped his buttocks, pulling him into her deeper and deeper.  
  
"Remus," she cried. "Remus." Her breath like fire in his ear. She cried out and convulsed beneath him.  
  
He felt a cry burst from his throat as the climax took him; his body tensed and shuddered with the release; Tonks sighed and clung to him as he sank onto her, his feet still on the floor, his body bent over hers on the table.  
  
The silence of the room struck him as his breathing slowed, his heartbeat returned to normal. She was beneath him, her eyes glazed, her hair tangled. He pulled himself up, lifted her off her back, and she sank into his arms, against his chest.  
  
"Remus," she whispered.  
  
He couldn't speak. Couldn't think. He held her, caressed her back tenderly, wishing he hadn't rushed, knowing he couldn't have stopped himself.  
  
She looked up at him and smiled. "That was very naughty."  
  
Lupin laughed. He was still trying to catch his breath. His muscles were aching; he went slack as he slipped out of her.  
  
"Was it?" he asked.  
  
She nodded. "Lovely."  
  
"I can't say..." he said, still trying to find his breath, "that I've ever done that...on a kitchen table."  
  
"There's always a first time for everything," she said, laughing softly, brushing back a lock of sweaty hair from his brow.  
  
"Tonks," said Lupin softly. "I'm sorry if--it all happened rather fast--I meant to go slow--"  
  
"Take me upstairs," she whispered, kissing him slowly, teasing his lips with her tongue. "Take me to bed. We can go slow up there." 


	12. Chapter Twelve: Christmas

Chapter Twelve: Christmas  
  
Morning sun streamed into the bedroom through the slit in the drapes, hitting Lupin's face.  
  
He blinked, opened his eyes, squinted against the brightness. He was lying on his back, naked. His whole body felt like lead; his muscles were sore; the skin of his back stung where it had been scratched. He smiled.  
  
Blinking again, he turned his head on the pillow. Tonks was lying next to him, on her side, sleeping. Her hair was tangled; her eyeliner smudged; her lips were slightly open. She was naked, the bedcovers pulled up to rest on the curve of her hip. Her arms were folded in front of her, covering her breasts. She looked...innocent when she slept. Beautiful.  
  
Lupin turned on his side, ignoring the soreness in his body, and ran his hand along the curve of her hip. She sighed and stirred just slightly, shifting, moving closer to him, rolling onto her back.  
  
Lupin's mind drifted as he watched her, as his hand traveled lightly up her arm and back down. Drifted to all the things they'd done last night, starting with shagging like minks on the kitchen table, to going upstairs, half dressed, in torn clothes, entering his bedroom, peeling off their clothes again and making love slowly, languorously, taking their time, exploring each other. Then making love a third time. Lupin smiled again. It had been one of the best nights in his life.  
  
She sighed again and slowly opened her eyes, then blinked and looked at him.  
  
"Hi," she whispered, shifting again, moving still closer to him.  
  
"Good morning," he murmured, kissing her lightly on the mouth.  
  
"What time is it?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know," said Lupin. "You don't have to be anywhere, do you?"  
  
"No," said Tonks. "Just here."  
  
"Good," he said.  
  
They held each other for a while, not saying anything. It was Tonks who broke the silence.  
  
"Remus," she whispered.  
  
"Hmm."  
  
"I'm sorry I scratched up your back," she said.  
  
Lupin laughed. "I don't really think I noticed that much at the time."  
  
"True," she said. "You were rather intent on ripping my clothes off."  
  
"I didn't...frighten you at all, did I?" Lupin asked.  
  
"Are you kidding?" said Tonks. "That was perhaps the hottest shag I've ever had, thank you very much. I didn't know you had in it you."  
  
"Are you poking fun at my age?" said Lupin.  
  
"You were the one doing the poking," said Tonks archly.  
  
"Listen to you," said Lupin, grinning. "Such a mouth on you."  
  
"You weren't complaining last night," said Tonks, kissing him lightly.  
  
"No," said Lupin, kissing her back. "I wasn't." They kissed for a few minutes, slowly and gently, before settling back into each other's arms again.  
  
"How do you feel, then?" Tonks asked in a soft voice, her hand caressing his bare chest. "Being...sexually active after all this time?"  
  
Lupin gave a low laugh and considered. "I feel...awake."  
  
Tonks looked up at him and smiled.  
  
"You certainly haven't forgotten what to do," she said, smiling.  
  
"Well, I've had years of practice," said Lupin. "But for that seventeen year sabbatical, anyway. One never truly forgets these things."  
  
"And you have quite the stamina," she said, smiling wickedly. "For an old man."  
  
His eyes narrowed. "You little brat," he said, grinning, and he began to tickle her.  
  
"Oh, no. Stop, Remus!" she begged, laughing hysterically, squirming under him and kicking the covers off her in an attempt to get away. She was halfway up off the bed when he caught her round the waist and tossed her back onto it. She gave a little squeal as he rolled onto her, letting his weight pin her to the mattress. She stopped struggling when her eyes met his and she smiled softly.  
  
"I guess I deserved that," she said.  
  
"Absolutely," said Lupin. He rolled off her, onto his side, she onto hers, to face him.  
  
"Tonks," he said softly, his hand running up her arm again, "last night was..."  
  
"Incredible," she finished.  
  
"Yes," he said. "I'm sorry I've been such a...what was it you called me?"  
  
"A prat," she said, smiling.  
  
"Right, a prat," said Lupin, his hand moving over her shoulder and down to caress her right breast. She shifted, arched her back slightly, moved closer to him, giving him better access.  
  
"You're forgiven," she whispered huskily, kissing his lips. He kissed her slowly, deeply, feeling the blood rushing to his groin again, his hand moving over her breast, then lower, lower. She let her knees fall apart as he began to touch her between her legs. She was already wet. His erection throbbed.  
  
"Good," he murmured, nibbling on her ear, stroking her. She moaned softly as her hips moved against his hand. His lips moved lower, over her collarbones, her breasts, to the dip in her belly.  
  
"You're forgiven," she whispered, "provided you don't stop...what you're doing..."  
  
"I think I can handle that," he said, letting his mouth drift lower.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Later that morning they finally dragged themselves out of bed and dressed.  
  
"Dear god, Remus, look at my t-shirt," she said, picking up her shredded t- shirt and shaking her head. "What am I supposed to wear home, I ask you? AND my knickers." She sat down on the chair near the bed and pulled on her jeans, her boots.  
  
"I rather prefer you without knickers," said Lupin, grinning.  
  
"Ha ha," said Tonks, kissing him on the cheek. "That's all well and good but I can tell you that going commando in a pair of jeans isn't all that comfortable."  
  
Going commando, he thought, and smiled. He had grown to like her colloquialisms.  
  
"You can borrow one of my three ancient shirts," said Lupin, tossing her an old white t-shirt that was grey with age. "It's practically from the Stone Age, but it's clean."  
  
"So it's younger than you, then?" she joked, as she pulled on the t-shirt.  
  
"One more crack about my age, young lady, and I'll have to punish you," he said, putting his arms round her waist.  
  
"Ooh, sounds kinky," she said, raising her eyebrows. "But unfortunately I do have to report in for work today."  
  
"That is unfortunate," said Lupin. "But you'll come here tonight?"  
  
"Of course," said Tonks. "But only if you promise to ravish me and shag me madly."  
  
"You randy girl," he murmured.  
  
"Always," she said. She grabbed his behind and squeezed firmly, then kissed him hard on the lips. "Until tonight, then? You promise to--"  
  
"Shag you madly, yes," said Lupin, feeling an erection building inside his trousers. "Now get out of here before I do just that right now."  
  
She laughed, kissed him on the cheek, broke their embrace, pulled on her robes and gathered up her things, then marched from the bedroom, stumbling on her way out.  
  
Lupin watched her go, in a slight daze. He felt his knees go weak and he sat down on the bed. He thought about all that had happened in the past sixteen hours. From kissing her that first time last night, until this morning, when they had lingered in bed, savoring each other. A smile broke out on his lips, and the smile turned into a chuckle, which turned into a full-throated laugh. He fell back onto his rumpled bed and laughed, quite certain he'd never felt so good in his life.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Two nights before Christmas, the front door to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place swung open and Tonks rushed inside. She didn't attempt to be quiet; the noise of her footfalls as she raced up the stairs awakened the portrait of Mrs. Black, who immediately set to screaming.  
  
"FILTH! MUDBLOODS! SHAME! BESMIRCHING THE HOUSE OF MY FATHERS!"  
  
Lupin came bursting out of his bedroom.  
  
"What's going on?" he demanded.  
  
"QUIET!" Sirius bellowed; he yanked the velvet curtains covering the portraits shut, muffling Mrs. Black's screams. Then he started up the stairs, three at a time.  
  
"What is it, Tonks?" he demanded.  
  
She was disheveled, panting, sweating. She looked as though she had been running.  
  
"Arthur..." she gasped. "Arthur..."  
  
"What about Arthur?" Lupin asked.  
  
"Excuse me." A voice from seemingly out of nowhere made them all spin round in different directions. "I'm looking for that worthless great-great- however many greats-grandson of mine."  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Phineas," he muttered. "Follow me," he added, gesturing to Tonks and Lupin to follow. They marched after him down the hall to his bedroom. They stopped in front of a portrait of a handsome but very smug looking wizard.  
  
"Good evening, Phineas," said Sirius. "What do you want?"  
  
"I have a message from Dumbledore," said Phineas. "Arthur Weasley has been injured. Harry Potter and the Weasleys are coming to the house shortly."  
  
"What?" said Lupin. He glanced at Tonks, who nodded vigorously.  
  
"What do you mean, Arthur's been injured?" Sirius demanded.  
  
"Don't ask me," said Phineas, sounding bored. "Dumbledore wouldn't give me any details. I'm just telling you what he said."  
  
"I heard it from Moody," said Tonks, her breathing now slowing down. "He was attacked. Something attacked him. That's all I know. Moody and Kingsley found him, they took him to St. Mungo's."  
  
"Dear god," said Lupin.  
  
"I have to get to the hospital," said Tonks. "Remus-"  
  
"I'll go with you," he said at once. "Sirius?"  
  
"I've got to go downstairs, meet the kids," said Sirius. "What about Molly? She's at the Burrow."  
  
"Dumbledore'll get the message to her," said Lupin, feeling his stomach tighten with dread.  
  
"Right," said Sirius.  
  
"Let's go," said Lupin, taking Tonks's hand. "We'll be back as soon as we can."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Arthur Weasley survived, but barely. Lupin learned the details of the attack from Sirius. A snake-Voldemort's snake-had slipped into the corridor leading to the Department of Mysteries, where Arthur was standing guard. He'd fallen asleep, but awoke when he heard the snake; he'd managed to get out his wand but the snake had struck, biting him three times and filling him with poison. Kingsley and Moody were in the Ministry that night, but nowhere near the Department of Mysteries-it was only when the painted form of a former Hogwarts headmaster appeared in his portrait at the Ministry and had begun to yell. It was sheer good fortune that it was Kingsley and Moody who'd heard the shouting first; they were able to get to Arthur before others could intercept them and start asking all manner of questions.  
  
Dumbledore, meanwhile, had come up with a cover story for Arthur's presence in the Ministry after hours, but Lupin never learned just what that cover story was. Arthur had been rushed to St. Mungo's; the healers had worked on him, purging his body of the poison and giving him Blood Replenishing Draughts, bandaging him up. It was a narrow escape; the poison from the snake's fangs had been powerful and would have surely killed Arthur-if he hadn't bled to death first-had Moody and Kingsley not learned of what had happened.  
  
But the only reason anyone knew anything about this at all, the only reason Arthur was still alive, was because of Harry Potter. Harry had witnessed the attack in a dream; he'd seen from inside the very eyes of the snake itself, and was able to raise the alarm.  
  
What started out as a very tense Christmas holiday quickly turned into a joyful one at the news that Arthur would fully recover. Sirius was in a better mood than he'd been in weeks. With the house full and with Harry there, he became the consummate host and even took to decorating the house with the enthusiastic help of everyone there. Hermione Granger joined them, having cut short a holiday with her parents.  
  
On Christmas Day, Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys made a trip to St. Mungo's to visit Arthur. Moody, Lupin and Tonks went along. Arthur had related that a man was sharing his ward who'd been bitten by a werewolf, but that he was in a bad way emotionally. Lupin volunteered at once to speak with the man.  
  
Once there Lupin was amused to see that Arthur-indulging yet again in his Muggle obsession-had been convinced by the healer in training to experiment with a Muggle remedy called stitches. The children had fled as Molly exploded at Arthur; Lupin retreated to the man in the bed nearby and they spoke at length, both of them trying and not entirely succeeding at ignoring Molly's shrieking rebukes at her husband.  
  
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, ARTHUR! HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND?"  
  
All in all, it was a very lovely day. They returned to the house that evening for Christmas dinner, a veritable feast prepared by Molly and Sirius, then retired early, their stomachs full.  
  
Next day Lupin rose early. He turned to Tonks and decided against waking her. She'd been exhausted from her Auror duties, her work for the Order, and as she finally had a respite, he thought he might as well let her catch up on her rest. He pulled on trousers and a jumper and crept out of his room and downstairs to the kitchen to brew coffee.  
  
Sirius was already there, having brewed the coffee. He was eating a crumpet spread liberally with butter and preserves.  
  
"Morning," said Sirius, sipping his coffee.  
  
"Good morning," he said.  
  
"So," said Sirius. "You've been in a fine mood lately. Finally got together with Tonks?"  
  
"Yes," said Lupin, smiling as he poured himself some coffee.  
  
"I take it your celibate period is officially over," said Sirius dryly.  
  
"Very much so, yes," said Lupin, grinning. "What about you? Have you seen Emmeline lately?"  
  
"She's in Cornwall, visiting with family," said Sirius. "Saw her last week."  
  
"And, how are things?"  
  
"Not bad," said Sirius. "Good, actually. She's quite a woman, I must say. But I don't see it becoming very serious. At least not now. She's too busy and I've never been one for complicated relationships."  
  
"So basically you two are shagging and that's about it," said Lupin, smirking.  
  
"That's about the gist of it, yeah," said Sirius. "But it suits us fine for now."  
  
Lupin nodded. Sirius bit into his crumpet. He was making a good show of a light mood but Lupin recognized the look in his friend's eyes. Now that Christmas was over, Sirius was facing the reality that Harry would be returning to school.  
  
"House'll be gloomy, with the kids gone," said Sirius. "Harry."  
  
"Yes," said Lupin.  
  
"But of course he has to go back."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Too bad," said Sirius. "He's been telling me about that Umbridge woman. She sounds bloody awful. D'you know she's banned him and the Weasley twins from playing Quidditch? Thanks to some education decree passed down by Fudge? Poor kid. He loves that game. Apparently this Umbridge cow has really made things miserable for everyone."  
  
"What about that D.A. club Harry's involved in?" said Lupin.  
  
"That's still on, thank god," said Sirius. "Rules or no rules, those kids need to know defensive spells. For god's sake, they come up on the O.W.L.s and that bat Umbridge isn't letting them practice any, can you believe it?"  
  
"Well, I hope they're able to continue it," said Lupin. "Without getting caught. If that happened they'd all be expelled. That would certainly make Fudge's day."  
  
"Yeah," said Sirius, sipping his coffee. His mouth was curled in a frown, his eyes distant.  
  
"Sirius, he has to-"  
  
"I know," said Sirius. "I know. But, dammit. You know what it's like. Being here."  
  
"I know," said Lupin sadly.  
  
"Molly had a point," said Sirius. "I do forget, sometimes. That he's not James."  
  
"I've forgotten myself, on occasion," said Lupin.  
  
"I'll never understand why they didn't choose you," said Sirius. "James and Lily. You were the smart one, the responsible one. Why'd they pick me to be Harry's godfather?"  
  
"You know why," said Lupin.  
  
"Right, because you're a werewolf," said Sirius, smirking.  
  
"That's not the only reason," said Lupin. They were silent for several long moments. Lupin had never spoken out loud his own jealousy for the friendship Sirius and James had shared. They had never once done anything to make Lupin feel left out, and yet Sirius and James had been brothers in a way that they had not been with him.  
  
"I still miss him," said Sirius. "Both of them."  
  
"So do I," said Lupin.  
  
"It'd be easier, if Harry didn't look so much like him," said Sirius, running a hand through his hair. "I never thought anything would happen to them, Remus. I signed on to be Harry's godfather but I never thought I'd actually have to...BE it."  
  
He paused, sipped his coffee, set it down. Lupin watched him, not saying anything. It had always been hardest, among the three of them, for Sirius to talk about personal things.  
  
"You know, I never even thought of having kids myself," said Sirius, smiling. "Didn't even really think about settling down. Committing to one woman, getting married, having kids. All seemed like too much responsibility. And now here I am, the legal guardian of this amazing kid and I can't even..."  
  
His voice trailed off.  
  
"I don't want to let him down," he mumbled.  
  
"You won't," said Lupin.  
  
"It'd help if I weren't stuck in this bloody house all the time," Sirius said bitterly. "That's what's so bloody hard. If I give in to what I want to do I risk getting caught and sent back to Azkaban, and then what good am I to Harry? But I'm starting to wonder whether I'll go mad in this house."  
  
"I won't let that happen," said Lupin.  
  
Sirius looked at Lupin with sad eyes.  
  
"You're a good mate, Remus," he said, his voice sounding a bit strangled.  
  
"Thank you," said Lupin, smiling mildly.  
  
"Even if you are shagging my first cousin once removed."  
  
"Piss off, Sirius." 


	13. Chapter Thirteen: Trouble

Chapter Thirteen: Trouble  
  
Lupin and Tonks accompanied Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys back to Hogwarts at the end of the Christmas holidays. They wound up taking the Knight Bus, which had never been Lupin's favorite mode of travel.  
  
The journey was not helped by the fact that the full moon was only a few days away. Lupin had been taking his potion but as he always did when a transformation was imminent, he felt weak and somewhat feverish. Tonks recognized the change in him but did not push the subject, for which he was grateful. He knew that eventually she would insist on being around him when he transformed; that she would want to be there for him, to know that part of him and how to deal with it. He still wasn't sure he could let her in to that part of him, but sooner or later he would have to deal with it.  
  
They reached Hogwarts and dropped off Harry and his friends. Harry was in a particularly sullen mood, having been told by Severus Snape that Snape would be teaching him Occlumency lessons.  
  
Lupin shook his head as he watched Harry tramp dully through the snow to the entrance doors of the school. Why on earth was Dumbledore not teaching Harry Occlumency? Why Snape? Lupin couldn't understand Dumbledore's reasoning on this, and a small part of him was annoyed at the Hogwarts headmaster for insisting that Snape be Harry's teacher. Harry hated Snape (Lupin didn't blame him). How could a fifteen year old boy whose emotions were always near the boiling point these days possibly learn the mental discipline needed for Occlumency when it was being taught to him by the teacher he loathed most?  
  
Things did not improve next day, and Lupin felt himself in the grips of a crushing headache as he sat in the basement kitchen of Grimmauld Place, trying to pay attention to the emergency meeting of the Order.  
  
"They're out," said Kingsley Shacklebolt. "All ten of them."  
  
"Bloody hell," Sirius muttered under his breath.  
  
"How did they get out?" Emmeline Vance demanded.  
  
"Couldn't tell you," said Kingsley. "The Ministry's not saying much. All we know is what's been printed in the Daily Prophet."  
  
"This is hardly good news for Fudge, is it?" Lupin said tiredly.  
  
"Because it lends credence to what Harry and Dumbledore have been saying about You-Know-Who?" said Tonks.  
  
"Oh, the Ministry's not about to change its position on You-Know-Who," said Kingsley darkly. "No, according to them Sirius was the mastermind behind the prison break."  
  
"That's me," said Sirius, rolling his eyes in aggravation. "A regular, ruddy criminal mastermind."  
  
"And I suppose Fudge has an answer for how ten Death Eaters escaped from a maximum security prison that is supposed to be under the watch of several hundred Dementors," said Emmeline angrily.  
  
"No," said Kingsley. "They're not even mentioning a word about the Dementors."  
  
"Fools," said Lupin. "If it isn't obvious by now that the Dementors are beyond the Ministry's control-"  
  
"It doesn't matter, does it?" said Sirius. "Fudge is clever, I'll give him that. Blaming me for the break-out might be a thin story, but it's not implausible. I broke out when the Dementors WERE guarding the place. Escaped from getting caught after I broke out. I'm clearly such a genius that I can sneak back in and assist ten Death Eaters in doing a runner." He laughed bitterly.  
  
"Yes, well, I can report that our most recent leads have the criminal mastermind Black and his faithful followers hiding out somewhere in Romania," said Kingsley dryly. "In the meantime we have another serious problem. Bode's been murdered."  
  
"Murdered?" said Arthur Weasley. "But...I thought...St. Mungo's insisted it was an accident. A mistake. Someone accidentally brought in Devil's Snare instead of--"  
  
"You'd have to be an idiot not to know the difference between a Flitterbloom and Devil's Snare," said Moody gruffly. "Bode's death is entirely too coincidental to have come about because of an idiot who just happens to drop off a potted plant."  
  
"The hospital is blaming the healer, Miriam Strout. They suspended her."  
  
"That's what they'd say, isn't it?" said Lupin. "Strout is a convenient patsy; it was busy over Christmas. She was tired, overworked. An innocent but horrible mistake. She's suspended and the Ministry promises an enquiry."  
  
"Why would anyone need to kill Broderick?" said Emmeline, shaking her head sadly. "He'd lost his mind after handling it."  
  
"True, he handled the thing Voldemort wants, and in so doing it damaged his mind," said Lupin. "But not irrevocably. I checked on Bode when I visited the werewolf in St. Mungo's. He was recovering, getting his memory back."  
  
"He would have exposed the Death Eater who'd cursed him and made him fetch it," said Tonks.  
  
"Exactly," said Lupin. "He had to be eliminated."  
  
"Voldemort's getting closer," said Sirius. "Sturgis was a random choice to go after it, but not Broderick. He was an Unspeakable, he was supposed to be in the Department of Mysteries. He wouldn't have had to break in."  
  
"And it has to be Malfoy who's doing it," said Tonks. "He's become thick as thieves with Fudge."  
  
"Bloody hell," said Moody angrily. "Our people are dying. Good people. Ministry employees are dying and Fudge is doing nothing."  
  
"Has anyone considered that Fudge might be under the Imperius Curse?" said Molly Weasley.  
  
"Doubtful," said Kingsley. "Fudge doesn't need to be with all the gold and favors Malfoy's throwing his way."  
  
"I still say Fudge can't just brush off those ten Death Eaters," said Emmeline. "He can't seriously expect EVERYONE to swallow that Sirius is involved. Surely some people are wise enough to wonder how ten Death Eaters all managed to slip out of Azkaban. Surely some will wonder what has happened with the Dementors."  
  
"You're probably right, Emmeline," said Lupin, sighing. He rubbed a hand over his face; he was exhausted, he would need to take his potion soon. "But the bigger problem is the Death Eaters themselves."  
  
"They're his most faithful followers," said Sirius, his eyes dangerous. "The true believers. Especially my cousin, Bellatrix. They'll do whatever it takes to get Voldemort what he wants. They've done it before."  
  
"And You-Know-Who knows Harry can get inside his mind now," said Arthur. "Dumbledore came to that conclusion on the night Harry had that vision of the snake that attacked me."  
  
"Which means You-Know-Who'll try and get inside the Potter kid's head," said Moody gruffly.  
  
"He's taking Occlumency lessons from Snape," said Lupin. "They should work."  
  
Sirius gave a derisive snort. "Occlumency Lessons from a former Death Eater, now there's a grand idea. Dumbledore's off his nut."  
  
"Dumbledore has to have his reasons-" Molly began.  
  
"Bugger his reasons!" Sirius shouted; he shot from his chair and slammed a fist on the table. "Why the hell isn't Dumbledore teaching Harry himself, eh? Dumbledore should be the one teaching Harry. Dumbledore's the one Voldemort fears! For all we know Snape is still working for Voldemort!"  
  
"Sirius." Lupin's voice was calm, quiet, but he gave Sirius a meaningful look. Sirius sat down roughly in his chair.  
  
"Nobody here knows why Dumbledore is having Severus teach Harry Occlumency," said Lupin. "But Molly's right. Dumbledore has to have his reasons. Lord knows I'm no fan of Severus Snape, but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt if Dumbledore is."  
  
Sirius gave another snort but said nothing.  
  
"What's the next step, then?" Kingsley asked. "With ten Death Eaters out-"  
  
"It's going to depend on Harry, isn't it?" said Lupin. "Whether or not Harry can learn to control his connection with Voldemort."  
  
"So we just...wait?" said Tonks uneasily.  
  
"We don't have much choice, do we?" said Lupin. "Voldemort is patient. He's not going to do anything to risk coming out in the open too soon."  
  
"We keep up our guard shifts," said Kingsley, and he, too, sounded exhausted. "I've found a few more Aurors who are trustworthy and will help us, but they're only trainees. I'd just as soon keep them as minimally involved as possible."  
  
"Meantime," he went on, "from here on out we meet only when absolutely necessary. Dumbledore'll contact me or Alastor and let us know."  
  
Nobody questioned this; the post might be monitored going in and out of Hogwarts, but of course, Dumbledore had ways around that.  
  
"Even if Fudge isn't doing much on the outside, things are tighter on the inside," Kingsley went on. "You should all know that all post from the outside into the Ministry is being read. So in the future, no written communications of any kind about what's going on here. And Portkeys are out. Ever since Dumbledore used that Portkey to get Harry and his friends here over Christmas, the Ministry's had them in a lockdown. It's brooms, or we Apparate. We have to assume that all conversations inside the Ministry are being monitored, as well."  
  
Murmurs and nods went round the table.  
  
"Right then," said Kingsley. "If there's nothing else, meeting adjourned."  
  
They all stood. Lupin rose slowly to his feet and glanced at his pocket watch. Very soon, he would need to take his potion.  
  
Gradually everyone filed out of the kitchen. Sirius and Emmeline Vance walked out of the kitchen slowly together, deep in conversation. Lupin was alone in the gloomy room, but for Tonks, who had hung back.  
  
"Remus." Her voice was soft, tentative.  
  
"Hello," he said wearily, crossing to her and embracing her.  
  
"You look terrible," she said, her eyes full of concern.  
  
"It's nearly the full moon," said Lupin.  
  
Tonks nodded. "Remus, I...I want to be-"  
  
"No, Tonks," he said firmly, knowing exactly what she meant to ask. "Not this time."  
  
"But-"  
  
"No," he said, keeping his voice as gentle as he could. "I...I just need a little time. That's all. Can you accept that?"  
  
She nodded. Her eyes were sad but she smiled.  
  
"Can I at least..." she began tentatively, "...stay with you until...until then? I'll stay away that night, I'll...I'll do a night shift at the Ministry. But...can I at least be with you until then?"  
  
Lupin softly kissed her lips. "I'd like that."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lupin's transformation came and went, and Tonks stayed away as she had promised, but he could tell, when she returned to the house two days later, that it had stung her not to be there.  
  
She did not press the issue, however, and Lupin was grateful for this. The way things were going with the Order right now, Lupin knew he couldn't handle another row with Tonks, not on top of everything else.  
  
Sirius's mood had improved slightly over the past week, for spending more time with Emmeline Vance, but as two more weeks passed, he grew worried. Harry had not contacted him since Sirius had given him the two-way mirror. Lupin wondered at this as well. Harry would surely want to be in contact with his godfather, and the two-way mirror was the only safe means of communication left for the two of them. But for three weeks, Sirius had received no word at all.  
  
Lupin, too, was worried. He wanted as badly as Sirius to know how Harry was handling Occlumency lessons with Snape. Lupin had learned the skill to some degree and it was a highly unpleasant thing to learn. Mental invasions left the learner feeling weak, sick, even violated. But with Harry it would be worse.  
  
Sirius's repeated attempts to contact Harry through the mirror met with no avail, and Sirius came to the conclusion that Harry must not have even opened it.  
  
"That has to be it," said Sirius. "If Umbridge had confiscated she would have figured out what it was eventually and I'd have been arrested by now."  
  
Despite the lack of communication with Harry, Sirius and Lupin were nonetheless able to learn something of what was going on at Hogwarts. Umbridge's numerous "educational decrees" were becoming more and more restrictive; it was to the point now where students and teachers could not even discuss whole subjects for fear of being expelled or sacked.  
  
February passed slowly, bitterly cold and full of the usual chill London sleet that Lupin hated. Tonks was spending nearly every free moment at the Ministry. Lupin had been sent out on more recruiting missions, meeting, as usual, with little success. His only triumph had been in convincing the werewolf he'd met over Christmas-a man named Simon Paddington-to merely consider joining the Order. But Lupin hadn't heard a word from Paddington since he last visited him in hospital in January.  
  
As such, he and Tonks had very little time to spend together. They became closer, all the same, talking to one another about everything they could think of, making love whenever the mood struck them (which was often). But Lupin regretted that he had not been able to engage in some of the more old- fashioned social niceties that most couples took for granted. Such as taking Tonks out on a date. Even sitting down to a quiet dinner in the house, or better yet, her flat, seemed like a luxury that they might never experience, so busy were they with Order business. The one positive to their hectic schedules was that Lupin had a convenient excuse to avoid allowing Tonks to be with him through his next transformation. She had asked only once, but he'd demurred, and then she reported she was on duty that night anyway.  
  
Lupin awoke early on the morning of 1 March, dressed and headed downstairs to the kitchen to eat breakfast. He was just starting toward the kitchen stairs when Tonks burst in.  
  
Lupin grimaced, waiting for the noise she made to wake the portraits and set them to shrieking, but they didn't wake.  
  
"Remus," she hissed. "Is Sirius awake?"  
  
"I don't know, why?"  
  
"Come downstairs," said Tonks. She hurried down the stairs, tripped, caught herself, and continued on her way. Lupin hurried after her and entered the kitchen.  
  
Sirius was awake; Emmeline Vance was there.  
  
"Sirius!" said Tonks. "Look at this."  
  
She thrust a magazine in his hand. His eyes traveled to the front cover.  
  
"Bloody hell," he said.  
  
"What?" said Lupin.  
  
In answer, Sirius held up the magazine. The March issue of The Quibbler, a well-known tabloid. Smiling back at Lupin on the front cover was Harry Potter.  
  
Lupin pulled up a chair next to Sirius as he tore open the magazine.  
  
"What the bloody hell is he thinking?" said Tonks. "Umbridge'll expel him when she sees this!"  
  
"Clever boy," said Sirius, grinning.  
  
"Clever?" Tonks snapped. "Are you mad? Harry sold his story to a bloody tabloid! If Umbridge doesn't throw him out of school I'll be dead surprised. And who's going to believe him, anyway?"  
  
"Perhaps more people than we think," said Lupin, as his eyes traveled over the article. "People have been asking questions for two months, ever since those Death Eaters escaped. Fudge's story always was thin, don't forget. There are holes in it you could fly a thestral through. This article is filling in some of those wholes."  
  
"Yes," said Emmeline, "but The Quibbler isn't known for...honest journalism. Not everyone is going to buy this."  
  
"Harry doesn't need to convince everyone," said Sirius. "Just enough people to start making Fudge uncomfortable, to get people asking more questions."  
  
"Well, well, look at the byline," said Lupin, bemused. "Rita Skeeter. Isn't it ironic that this most dishonest journalist got employment in a place perfectly suited for her talents and wound up writing a thoroughly truthful story?"  
  
"I still say Harry's cracked," said Tonks agitatedly. "He doesn't need any more trouble at school. Not with that Umbridge bat sticking her fingers in everything. Next thing you know she'll have Dumbledore out on his arse, find some way to blame him for this."  
  
"You're overreacting, Tonks," said Sirius mildly. "Let's just wait and see where this article leads, all right?"  
  
Lupin met her eyes and she held his gaze for a moment, then nodded.  
  
"Fine," she said dully.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A few more weeks went by. Harry had clearly not been expelled (as evidenced by the fact that he had not shown up on the doorstep of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place), and in fact the March issue of The Quibbler was proving to be a very hot seller.  
  
In the meantime, news came that Umbridge had--by virtue of her all- encompassing authority at Hogwarts--sacked the Divination teacher, Sibyll Trelawney. Dumbledore had quickly replaced her with none other than a centaur called Firenze.  
  
"Lovely irony," said Lupin to Sirius one morning over coffee. "Dumbledore hiring a non-human to teach. A perfect slap in the face to the lovely Miss Umbridge."  
  
"Rather makes up for her getting that anti-werewolf legislation passed, does it?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Not quite," said Lupin. "But it'll do for now."  
  
But Lupin's happy mood evaporated just days later.  
  
It was a very rainy April evening when, once more, Tonks burst into the house. She was soaked through. Her hair (blue and short) was plastered to her head and her robes hung on her like a heavy blanket, dripping onto the carpeted floor.  
  
"Tonks!" Lupin hissed. "What's the matter?"  
  
"Trouble," she hissed back. "Where's Sirius?"  
  
"Upstairs with Buckbeak," he said. "Why?"  
  
"Just meet me downstairs," she said quickly. "Does he have any firewhisky?"  
  
Lupin blinked, not quite sure why firewhisky was needed. "In the pantry," he answered.  
  
"Good," she said shortly, and hurried down the stairs, tripping, as ever, on her robes, but catching herself before toppling over.  
  
Lupin's brain was racing; something was seriously wrong tonight, and it had nothing to do with articles in tabloid magazines. He leapt up the stairs, hurried down the hall to the room where Buckbeak was kept.  
  
"Sirius," he hissed, knocking softly on the door.  
  
Footsteps, and the door opened.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Tonks is here," said Lupin. "She wants us both downstairs. Something's wrong. It sounds serious."  
  
"Harry?" said Sirius, his back stiffening.  
  
"I'm not sure," said Lupin. "Come on."  
  
They hurried down the corridor, the stairs, down to the kitchen.  
  
They found Tonks there, sitting on a chair, her wet robes draped on the counter top. She'd toweled off her hair, wiped her face, and was holding a rather generously filled glass of firewhisky. She downed it in one and stood up.  
  
"Umbridge caught them," she said. "Harry, his friends. She's onto the D.A."  
  
"Shit," said Sirius, sitting down heavily.  
  
"Kingsley's at the school now," said Tonks, and she began to pace. "With Dawlish, Percy Weasley, and Fudge."  
  
"Fudge?" said Lupin, alarmed. "What's he doing there?"  
  
"What do you think?" said Sirius. "He's going to expel Harry."  
  
"Or arrest him," said Tonks. She began to pace again, stopped, then paced again. "Shit. Harry is so fucked."  
  
Lupin bit his lip to keep from commenting on her expletives, instead saying, "Let's just stay calm. We don't know what's going on yet."  
  
"Dumbledore's clever. He'll get Harry out of this," said Sirius, though his face was white and his voice lacked conviction.  
  
"Oh, I don't think so, not this time," said Tonks. "Somebody ratted them out. Somebody in the group."  
  
Sirius sat back in his chair and ran a hand through his hair. "I KNEW they shouldn't have met in the Hogs Head."  
  
"Sirius, relax," said Lupin sharply. "Panicking does us no good. If Kingsley is there, he might be able to help. And Dumbledore IS clever. He'll think of something; he always does."  
  
Lupin's words seemed to bring a weight of silence among them, but nobody looked all that comforted. Tonks was still pacing. Sirius had taken the bottle of firewhisky and poured himself a glass, gulped it down, poured himself another. The only sound in the room now, apart from Tonks's pacing, was the ticking of the old clock hanging above the sink.  
  
The minutes stretched, and still nobody spoke. Lupin felt compelled to say something, anything to calm Sirius and Tonks down, but his mouth had gone dry the more he sat there, the more he thought about it. Dumbledore might be able to wheedle Harry out of trouble, but at what cost to Dumbledore himself?  
  
"Where are they?" Tonks muttered.  
  
The answer to her question came in a flash of flame so loud and bright that all three of them jumped.  
  
When the smoke cleared, Lupin's eyes came to rest upon a magnificent scarlet and gold bird. The bird was perched on the arm of Albus Dumbledore. 


	14. Chapter Fourteen: A Downward Spiral

Chapter Fourteen: A Downward Spiral  
  
For a moment there was only silence. No one seemed to be able to speak; they simply stared at Dumbledore in amazement, in shock, in horror.  
  
"I have little time to explain," said Dumbledore. "Suffice it to say that Dolores Umbridge became aware of Harry's defense meetings with other students. She laid a trap for him with the help of several Slytherins, including Draco Malfoy."  
  
"Who ratted them out?" Sirius asked darkly.  
  
"That is of no concern now," said Dumbledore firmly. "What is important is that I was able to head off the situation."  
  
"Head it off?" Sirius barked angrily. "You'll forgive me if I don't see how you no longer being at the school to protect Harry suggests you headed anything off."  
  
"Would you prefer it had I allowed Harry to accept the blame for what happened? Allowed Umbridge to expel him from school? Allowed Fudge to arrest him?" Dumbledore demanded, fire in his eyes, his voice booming about the kitchen. Lupin shrank back--it was rare to see Dumbledore display any sort of temper; his kindly face and eyes belied the power within. But when Dumbledore's ire was up, it was fearful to behold.  
  
"I'd prefer you back at the school looking after him!" Sirius retorted, not backing down. "Without you there he's--"  
  
"There was no choice, Sirius, but for me to leave," Dumbledore said. "In so doing I may have saved Harry's life AND the cause for which we are all fighting."  
  
Sirius started to say something, then stopped, then opened his mouth again.  
  
"What do you mean?" he asked warily.  
  
"Voldemort is invading Harry's mind now," said Dumbledore. "When Harry looks at me I can see Voldemort in his eyes. Why do you think I have been avoiding Harry all this year? Why do you think I asked Severus Snape to teach him Occlumency?"  
  
Lupin swallowed. "If Voldemort gets inside Harry's head and sees you getting close--"  
  
"He'll come for me," said Dumbledore calmly. "But that is not the real danger. Voldemort knows I do not fear him. No, the danger is him seeing through what I am trying to protect. Not only Harry, but the Order itself."  
  
"Yes, but--" Sirius began.  
  
"Sirius, had I stayed, I would have been arrested, taken to Azkaban," said Dumbledore. "Not that it would have held me for long, but time is of the essence. I had no other alternative."  
  
"Kingsley was there," said Tonks nervously. "What happened--"  
  
"Kingsley is the other reason why Harry is not now sitting in a cell in Azkaban," said Dumbledore. "He was able to perform a Memory Charm on the informant who told Umbridge of Harry's defense club meetings. Unfortunately I had to Stun him along with nearly everyone else in the room, but I'm certain he understands why."  
  
"Dear god," said Lupin. "How--how did it come to this?"  
  
"Fudge is mad," said Sirius.  
  
"Fudge is afraid," said Dumbledore. "Afraid of what the return of Voldemort will mean for his well-ordered world. Afraid of what would become of his career if it becomes known that the worst Dark Wizard in centuries has returned on his watch."  
  
"Dammit!" Sirius slammed a fist onto the kitchen table.  
  
"I am far more concerned about Umbridge," said Dumbledore. "She'll be appointed as Headmistress, make no mistake. She will be given the authority to abuse the students however she sees fit. And I am confident she will do so, if it means keeping them under her thumb."  
  
"You don't mean that," said Tonks fearfully. "Abuse the students?"  
  
"I saw her manhandle the very student who informed upon Harry to her," said Dumbledore. "If she will attack a student who is helping her, there is no doubt in my mind she will do far worse to those who oppose her."  
  
"What about Harry?" said Sirius. "What happens to him?"  
  
"He must become proficient at Occlumency," said Dumbledore. "There is nothing so important as this, do you understand. I know it is difficult for him, for you, Sirius, to accept that Harry is under Snape's tutelage, but it is for Harry's own safety, for the safety of the Order itself, that Harry learn Occlumency. I cannot emphasize this enough. If Voldemort continues to invade Harry's mind, he will learn of what we are trying to hide, and the danger to Harry, to all of us, will be far greater than any of us can begin to imagine."  
  
"What about you?" said Tonks hesitantly.  
  
"I was not here tonight," said Dumbledore firmly. "As far as you know I vanished after the melee in my office and have not been seen since. You must relay this to Kingsley, though I have no doubt he'll keep silent. The fewer people who know of my whereabouts, the better. Fudge will be monitoring every communication from now on.  
  
"I am going somewhere safe; I will contact you in a few days. Do not contact me unless there is an emergency. If you need me, simply say Fawkes's name, and he will appear to you. I must go."  
  
At this the great phoenix flapped his scarlet wings and gave a soft, eerie chirp.  
  
"Remember what I said about Harry and Occlumency," said Dumbledore, his eyes moving from Sirius to Lupin and back.  
  
With another blinding flash, Dumbledore and Fawkes were gone.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Two hours later Lupin returned to his bedroom, exhausted. Tonks had gone back to the Ministry to meet with Kingsley and pass along Dumbledore's message. Sirius and Lupin had stayed in the kitchen, Sirius opening a fresh bottle of firewhisky.  
  
Lupin had not imbibed in the liquor, nor had he commented on Sirius drinking three large glasses of it in quick succession. But Lupin could not deny he was worried for Sirius. Worried over the way his best friend had more and more been turning to drink to deal with all the troubles plaguing him. With no messages coming from Harry anymore, with Harry now directly under the tyranny of the Umbridge woman, Sirius's only outlets had become drink and Emmeline Vance.  
  
Now, however, standing alone in his room, Lupin wished he had taken a glass of whisky, if nothing to dull the mounting fear radiating in his chest. Things had gone from bad to worse, as he had always expected, but the difference this time was that the Ministry itself was more than directly responsible. Once again hot anger coursed through his veins as he thought of Cornelius Fudge. Like so many men Lupin had known, Fudge had become consumed with a lust for power, and like so many politicians, Fudge believed his own corruption, his own quest for ever more control, was ultimately in the cause of good. Lupin wasn't sure who, at that moment was worse: Voldemort or Fudge. At least Voldemort was openly evil. One knew where one stood with Voldemort.  
  
"Bath," he muttered to himself. It was the only thing that would relieve some of the pain in his head, the ache in his shoulders. He stepped into his bathroom and turned on the taps in the bath, allowing the water that filled the tub to be as hot as he could stand it. He suddenly felt filthy and wanted nothing more than to scrub the vestiges of the day away from his tired, aching body.  
  
His pocketwatch chimed, and he went into his bedroom to fetch a flask of potion. He opened the chest drawer and extracted a flask. He uncorked it, downed the contents, put the empty flask in the other drawer.  
  
He returned to the bathroom, where it was now filled with steam; the bath full of pine-scented bubbles. He stripped off his clothes and sank into the steaming water, wincing slightly at the temperature but welcoming the sting of it on his skin. He let his head rest against the smooth porcelain and instantly felt the muscles in his shoulders begin to loosen, his mind begin to drift, his eyes begin to close...  
  
"Remus?"  
  
He blinked and opened his eyes.  
  
"Tonks?" he called. "I'm in here."  
  
She came tentatively into the bathroom. She was wearing beat up jeans and a jumper, but no robes and no shoes. Her hair was in its natural state, dark, loosely curling around her face. Beautiful. She looked almost like a china doll.  
  
"Hi," she said, looking shy. "I...I'm sorry, I must be disturbing you."  
  
He smiled at her; she got like this sometimes, timid and hesitant. He knew that by now she had become keenly attuned to his moods and was as a result very respectful of his need for distance on occasion, his desire for solitude. Clearly, she thought now was one of those times.  
  
She was wrong.  
  
"You're not disturbing me," he said. "I'm glad you're here. I've missed you."  
  
She smiled at him, a glowing, youthful kind of smile that only young women seemed to possess.  
  
"I've missed you, too," she said softly, coming into the bathroom, kneeling by the tub. "I don't suppose we've had much time...for each other. Not these days."  
  
He reached up and caressed her cheek. "War does tend to get in the way of things," he said softly.  
  
She laughed gently, and then was serious again. "I just...I came back because I didn't want to be alone tonight. I just...wanted to be near you."  
  
He could find nothing to say to this, so he kissed her instead, softly, slowly, his wet hands tangling in her dark hair, pulling her close, tasting her mouth with his.  
  
She broke the kiss and smiled. "Is that your way of saying you want me around?"  
  
"For lack of anything better," said Lupin. She kissed him slowly again; Lupin was tingling everywhere. They hadn't been together in two weeks. It felt like two years.  
  
He kissed her harder, sitting up in the bath and pulling her to him, soaking her t-shirt. His hands moved to her breasts, caressed them over the shirt.  
  
"Missed you," she murmured.  
  
"Want you," he whispered back, kissing her harder. She was leaning over the tub now; he was pulling at her waist, her shirt, when suddenly she slipped and fell into the tub, fully clothed.  
  
She gave a little shriek; Lupin couldn't help laughing as water sloshed all over the floor. Tonks tried to turn round but that only caused her to fall in completely, soaking her from head to foot.  
  
She was giggling almost uncontrollably now. "I am so bloody CLUMSY!" she gasped.  
  
"It's very alluring," said Lupin, grinning. "Shall I help you out of these wet clothes?"  
  
"You naughty boy," she whispered, and kissed him hungrily. His hands moved to her soaked t-shirt, but she grabbed his wrists and broke the kiss.  
  
"Don't tear this one, it's my favorite," she warned. He chuckled and pulled the wet shirt up, over her head, tossed it onto the floor. He kissed her again, his hands roaming over her wet skin, finding the clasp of her bra. He unhooked it and tossed it aside.  
  
His mouth explored her face, her neck, her shoulders, her chest, her breasts. Her fingers were tangled in his hair, then her hands moved beneath the water to stroke him. He gasped and moaned; her mouth was on his neck, her teeth nibbling at his ear. He fumbled with the buttons on her jeans. Somehow he got them off her--more water splashed onto the floor as she struggled out of them--and tossed them onto the floor. He pulled at her knickers and peeled them off, then pulled her close so that she straddled him. His hand found her sex; his fingers caressed her slowly.  
  
"God, Remus," she muttered against his mouth as his fingers slid into her. She moved closer to him, found him with her hands again, guided him inside her.  
  
He bit back a loud groan as she sank onto him. Slowly she began to move, up and down, caressing the length of him, kissing his mouth. His hands moved to her bottom and he gripped her there, pulling her close, driving into her as deep as he could go. She gasped and for a moment they didn't move. Lupin closed his eyes as she began to move again, slowly, his hands guiding her hips. The water swirled round them, steam rising from the surface, as they moved faster, faster. Lupin moved his hand from her hip and found that delicate place between her legs and stroked her there; she whimpered and held onto him even tighter, burying her face into his shoulder.  
  
The climax took her first, and she cried out with the release. The muscles of her sex contracted and sent Lupin over the edge; he shuddered and buried his face in her wet hair.  
  
They stayed there for a while, holding each other, then climbed from the cooling water, dried off. Lupin swept her up in his arms as though she weighed nothing and carried her to the bed, her laughter like music in the air. They ignored the mess of water on the bathroom floor. It could keep until morning.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Two weeks later Lupin sat in the kitchen, alone. He was tired. Last night had been the full moon. As always he felt used up and spit out the day following a transformation. Once again he had put Tonks off at being there. He knew he was pushing his luck now; he had to accept her presence there sooner or later. He told himself he would let her in next time. Next time, he thought. He felt the knot in his stomach loosen slightly.  
  
But then his mind drifted to the events of almost a fortnight ago, and he felt the painful knot come back. He took an uneasy sip of his tea as Sirius walked into the kitchen. He looked disgruntled.  
  
"What is it?" Lupin asked.  
  
"Bloody Kreacher," said Sirius darkly. "That crazy bat's always disappearing these days. I can't keep track of him. And it doesn't help that this ruddy house is the size of a small country."  
  
"Leave it for now," said Lupin. "There are more pressing issues--"  
  
"Don't start with Harry," Sirius warned.  
  
"I most certainly will," said Lupin sharply, setting down his mug of tea. "What was he thinking, showing up in the fireplace like that? And using Umbridge's office? Is he TRYING to get himself expelled?"  
  
"He wanted to talk, remember?" said Sirius. "You were there. Poor kid was all...mixed up about James."  
  
"I sympathize," said Lupin firmly. "Believe me, I do. It's never any fun when the pedestal a son creates for his father comes crashing down round him. But my god, Sirius, he can't be taking risks like that. Not now. Not with Umbridge searching for the smallest reason to throw him out of school, or worse."  
  
"I know!" Sirius snapped. "Don't you think I know that? Spare me the lectures, Remus. In case you haven't noticed I spend every waking and sleeping hour in this goddamned house, which gives me ample time to brood over what my godson is doing."  
  
Lupin paused, then spoke carefully. "Sirius, I know how you feel for Harry. I care about him, too, don't forget. But he's behaving recklessly. He needs to hear from you that--"  
  
"And how can he hear from me?" said Sirius bitterly. "Damn kid hasn't used that mirror once. Not bloody once. I have no idea what's going on in that school, what's happening to him. Why won't he just use the damn mirror?"  
  
Lupin had no answer for that. Part of him supposed it was because Harry was afraid Sirius might get caught if he, Harry, used it. But that hadn't stopped Harry from sneaking into a venomous Headmistress's office and illegally using her fireplace to Floo into the kitchen of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. Lupin shook his head. It seemed that Sirius and Harry were determined to engage in behaviour that was extremely risky for themselves, provided they believed the other was not at risk. A foolish gamble.  
  
"I wish I could help you, mate," said Lupin. "But I'm about as good for Harry right now as you are. I can't get any closer to him than you."  
  
"I know," said Sirius softly, pouring himself some tea. "I just hope he talked to Snape."  
  
"You and me both," said Lupin, sipping his tea.  
  
"I can't believe that prat stopped teaching him lessons," Sirius hissed, his face taking on an ugly expression. "Can you believe it? Snivellus. He KNOWS how important Occlumency is for Harry."  
  
"Severus certainly knows how to hold a grudge," said Lupin dryly.  
  
"That grudge could get Harry killed," said Sirius.  
  
"Perhaps I should find a way to send word to Dumbledore," said Lupin thoughtfully. "Dumbledore seems to be the only one Snape listens to these days."  
  
"Do that," said Sirius. "And while you're at it ask Dumbledore what the hell he's doing to solve the little problem of Umbridge taking over the school."  
  
Lupin gave a rueful chuckle. "Whatever Harry might have done, it's nothing compared to the Weasley twins."  
  
At this Sirius laughed, his first genuine laugh in weeks. "Good god, I can just hear Molly. If she doesn't break the sound barrier screaming at them, I'll be amazed."  
  
He paused and sipped his tea.  
  
"Still, you have to admire them," he went on. "Standing up to Umbridge like that. And I have heard through the grapevine that Umbridge is having a hell of a time controlling the students now, thanks to those twins."  
  
"I must say, anything that makes Madam Umbridge's life more difficult is entirely fine by me," said Lupin.  
  
They went quiet again, sipping their tea companionably. Lupin was grateful that Sirius seemed to have cheered up, even if only a little, even if only temporarily.  
  
Sirius was just about to say something when the sound of loud footsteps echoed into the kitchen. Mrs. Black awoke in her portrait and began to shriek. Sirius rolled his eyes.  
  
"FILTH! MUTANTS! SHAME OF MY FLESH! ABOMINATIONS! HOW DARE YOU BEFOUL--"  
  
"Oh, SHUT UP, you dried up old BITCH!" Tonks screamed, and Lupin and Sirius heard the sound of drapes being yanked forcefully shut. A moment later Tonks burst into the kitchen.  
  
Lupin stood up quickly--the look on her face had become all too familiar.  
  
"Let me guess," said Sirius, eyeing her but not getting up. "More bad news. I'm going to ban you from this house, Tonks, if you keep this up."  
  
"Laugh all you want, Sirius," said Tonks sharply. "But I've just found out Minerva McGonagall's in St. Mungo's."  
  
"What?" Sirius and Lupin both said, and now Sirius stood up.  
  
"What happened?" Lupin asked.  
  
"Umbridge, naturally," said Tonks darkly. "Seems the old bag decided it tonight was the time to sack Hagrid, only she decided to get some of Fudge's most loyal Auror toadies to help her out. When she showed up on Hagrid's doorstep, let's just say things got a bit out of hand."  
  
"Hagrid resisted," said Sirius.  
  
"A bit, yeah," said Tonks sarcastically. "Those stupid gits tried to Stun him, but you know how well Stunners work on a half-giant. Hagrid did manage to get away; he fled to the woods. Don't know where the hell he's going but I'm sure Dumbledore's on top of it."  
  
"What does this have to do with McGonagall?" asked Lupin.  
  
"Seems McGonagall heard the commotion outside and went to investigate," said Tonks, her anger rising with every word. "She sees Umbridge and her goons attacking Hagrid and yells at them and next thing you know she's hit square in the chest with four Stunners."  
  
"Good god," said Lupin.  
  
"Will she be all right?" Sirius asked, looking horrified.  
  
"She'll pull through," said Tonks. "But my god, Remus, d'you see what this means? Hagrid gone, McGonagall gone..."  
  
"Dumbledore gone," finished Sirius. "Umbridge has managed to get rid of the three people most committed to protecting Harry."  
  
"What about Harry?" said Lupin. "Do you know if he's spoken with Snape? About Occlumency?"  
  
"Couldn't tell you that," said Tonks. "I only found out about McGonagall from Kingsley; we went there to check on those Aurors who went with Umbridge to get rid of Hagrid. Seems he roughed them up. Served them bloody right, if you ask me."  
  
Lupin sat down slowly. "Things are spinning out of control. We have to stop this Umbridge woman."  
  
"How?" said Tonks hopelessly.  
  
"We've got to call another meeting," said Sirius grimly. "We need to get in contact with Dumbledore." 


	15. Chapter Fifteen: Secrets Revealed

Chapter Fifteen: Secrets Revealed  
  
"Dammit, why won't Dumbledore call a meeting?" Sirius raged, pounding the kitchen table, as was his wont when he displayed his temper.  
  
"It's too risky," said Lupin resignedly. He and Sirius were alone in the kitchen; Tonks had returned to the Ministry to work an extra shift, taking the place of one of the Aurors who'd been injured by Hagrid.  
  
It was early in the afternoon the next day. Neither Lupin nor Sirius had slept a wink the night previous.  
  
"Everything's too risky at this point!" Sirius protested.  
  
"Sirius, the whole Ministry is looking for him," said Lupin. "And you. If they trace Dumbledore here they'll find you as well. Snape is stuck--he can't tell us anything at the moment without risking getting the sack himself. However much we dislike him he's the last protection Harry has. Tonks and Kingsley and Alastor can barely discuss the weather at work without having their conversations monitored."  
  
"So we're stuck, then," said Sirius grumpily, sitting down heavily. "In another bloody holding pattern."  
  
"It looks that way," said Lupin.  
  
Sirius grunted and sat back in his chair, running a hand through his hair, when a crash came from upstairs.  
  
"What the--"  
  
Sirius's words were cut off by a loud, screeching squawk. Sirius leapt from his chair. The noise upstairs woke Mrs. Black's portrait, who began to howl.  
  
"What was that?" Lupin asked, alarmed.  
  
"Buckbeak," said Sirius. "Come on."  
  
They hurried up the stairs, pausing only long enough to yank the drapes shut, cutting Mrs. Black off mid-shriek.  
  
The squawking from upstairs became louder, but it wasn't a sound of anger or distress. It sounded like...pain.  
  
"Sirius..."  
  
But Sirius was racing up to the third floor, single-minded in his quest to reach Buckbeak. He leapt into the room where the hippogriff was kept; Lupin came right behind and nearly crashed into him.  
  
"Dear god," Sirius muttered.  
  
Lupin gasped. The hippogriff was lying pitifully on its side, cradling a wing. The wing had a horrid gash in it and was bent at an unnatural angle.  
  
"How in god's name did this happen?" Sirius wondered. He took a step toward the hippogriff; Buckbeak squawked and snarled, shifted his wing, and screeched in pain again.  
  
"It's all right, Beaky," Sirius said in a soothing voice. "It's all right."  
  
"I'll get some bandages," Lupin offered.  
  
"There's some in my bathroom, down the hall," said Sirius, still walking slowly toward the injured hippogriff, speaking in soothing tones. "Along with some Pain Draught and rubbing alcohol."  
  
Lupin nodded and hurried from the room, an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. Not simply due to the hippogriff's injury, which was bad enough. No, it was something else. Something that nagged at the back of his brain like the buzzing of a fly in his ear.  
  
How had Buckbeak injured himself? Or more to the point, why? The hippogriff hardly liked being tied up all the time, but in Sirius's patient care the animal had become nearly docile. Furthermore, there was nothing in the room with which Buckbeak might injure himself. The gash on the hippogriff's wing did not look like the makings of a clumsy accident or a fall on the hippogriff's part.  
  
Lupin reached the bathroom and pulled out several clean rags, bandages, a flask of some rather gooey looking potion and a brown bottle of rubbing alcohol.  
  
If Buckbeak hadn't injured himself, then someone or something had. But who would do it? Surely not Sirius.  
  
Lupin pushed this unpleasant thought aside, but then considered. Sirius's moods these past many months had been wildly unpredictable. He had taken to spending lots of time in the company of the hippogriff. Was it not possible- -however unlikely--that Sirius himself, in a fit of anger or pique, perhaps furious that he could not get out of doors--had harmed Buckbeak?  
  
But this thought fled as quickly as it had come. The hippogriff had cried out only moments ago; Sirius could hardly inflict any sort of harmfull spell or jinx on the animal when he was three floors below. The only logical explanation was that the hippogriff had somehow stumbled and broken his wing.  
  
Lupin tried to accept this as the logical conclusion, but that nagging feeling continued to bother him as he entered Buckbeak's room.  
  
"What is it?" Lupin asked, handing over the bandages, potion and alcohol to Sirius.  
  
"Broken wing," said Sirius. "But that gash there, I don't see how he could have gotten that."  
  
"Let's treat him first, then sort it out," Lupin suggested.  
  
"Better let me do the bulk of it, mate," said Sirius, stroking Buckbeak's head gently. "He's a bit skittish round strangers."  
  
"Of course," said Lupin, taking a step back. He was familiar enough with hippogriffs and how to approach them, but he had no experience with an injured one and in any case, he had no desire to put himself in close proximity with the hippogriff's razor sharp claws.  
  
Instead he acted as Sirius's assistant, passing him bandages and potion and rubbing alcohol as Sirius gently cleaned the gash on Buckbeak's wing. Sirius applied the Pain Draught directly to the wound, and it helped; Buckbeak's earsplitting shrieks of pain became brief, muted whimpers.  
  
In short order Sirius had done what he could for the hippogriff's injured wing. The cut began to heal under the heavy coating of Pain Draught and rubbing alcohol. Sirius immobilized the break with a swish of his wand and the hippogriff quickly became quiet and drowsy.  
  
"He'll be all right," said Sirius, backing out of the room as Buckbeak dropped off to sleep.  
  
Very quietly Sirius shut the door to Buckbeak's room and he and Lupin started down the corridor toward the stairs, when Sirius grunted and collided with something. He and Lupin looked down.  
  
"You!" Sirius snapped. It was Kreacher, the house elf. He was ancient, filthy and wearing a rag done up in a loin-cloth. The rag looked as though it hadn't been laundered in a decade.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Sirius snapped. "Skulking round like a rat..."  
  
"Master is good and kind," the house elf said, bowing, then muttered "Master associates with a monster, what will my Mistress say?"  
  
"Out, you!" Sirius barked, shoving the elf hard with his foot. The house elf's response was to bow again, and continue his muttering.  
  
"Master is fooled, Master did not get to visit with him." Kreacher started up the corridor, in the direction of the attic.  
  
"Wait," said Lupin. "What did you say Kreacher?"  
  
"The monster is talking to Kreacher," Kreacher muttered. "What will Mistress say?"  
  
"What are you talking about, Kreacher?" Sirius snapped. "I just visited Buckbeak right this moment."  
  
"Master does not know I have a secret," said Kreacher, not even trying to mutter now. "Master did not see what I saw in the fireplace. In the fire."  
  
"In the fire?" Lupin asked. "What's he on about?"  
  
"He's a nutter, that's what," said Sirius.  
  
"Master's boy has come looking for Master," Kreacher went on. "In the fire."  
  
Something about those words made Sirius and Lupin both halt halfway down the stairs.  
  
"Sirius..." Lupin began.  
  
"A boy, in the fire--"  
  
"Harry!"  
  
They hurtled down the stairs, not bothering to be quiet, not stopping to shut the heavy velvet drapes that sprang open and brought a fresh round of screams from Mrs. Black's portrait. They burst into the kitchen.  
  
"Harry!" Sirius bellowed, dashing toward the fireplace. "Harry!"  
  
"He's not here," said Lupin, his eyes darting round the room.  
  
"What did that little rat tell him?" Sirius hissed.  
  
"It must have been Kreacher who hurt Buckbeak," said Lupin, suddenly realizing what had happened. "My god, Sirius. Kreacher...hurt Buckbeak. On purpose. To draw you away..."  
  
"That's impossible," Sirius scoffed, turning away from the fireplace. "To do that Kreacher would have known Harry meant to contact me. How would he know that?"  
  
"Why did Harry come to the fire tonight?" said Lupin, pacing now in alarm. "Why on earth would he take such a huge risk?"  
  
"Something must have happened at school, something big," said Sirius.  
  
"Something happened, indeed."  
  
Lupin and Sirius whirled around toward the source of the third voice.  
  
It was Severus Snape.  
  
"How the HELL did you get in here?" Sirius demanded.  
  
"I have no time to explain it to you, Black," Snape snapped. "I only came here as a favor to your silly godson. He was under the impression that the Dark Lord had taken you captive. Since you are unfortunately standing right in front of me, it's obvious Potter was mistaken."  
  
"That's not the only thing that happened," Sirius said darkly, advancing on Snape. Snape instinctively took a step back.  
  
"No, I'm afraid not," said Snape, a somewhat satisfied sneer coming across his face. "You see, Black, your godson's penchant for following in his father's footsteps has once again landed him in a spot of trouble. Last I saw him he was in Umbridge's office, accompanied by his friends. She looked fit to be tied. Wanted me to administer Veritaserum to Potter. I would have gladly complied but my supply was at the moment non-existent. Umbridge didn't take too well to my explanation as to just why I could not produce a working Veritaserum for her on the spot, so she summarily dismissed me from her office and suspended me from teaching as well."  
  
"Are you saying," said Sirius, whose fists were clenched, whose face was now white with rage, "that you left Harry and his friends alone in that woman's office? When you know how important Harry--"  
  
"That's what I'm saying, Black," said Snape coolly. "And before you go hexing me you might consider that I am the only member of the Order currently left at the school who can protect Potter. I have already spent far too much time in your unpleasant company as it is. I must get back to the school and ensure that that beastly woman isn't stringing Potter up by his ears. Although I must say that does make a pleasant mental picture."  
  
"You son of a--" Sirius lunged at Snape, but was caught by Lupin.  
  
"Sirius."  
  
Snape had taken a step back and glared at them both.  
  
"A wise decision, Lupin. You always were the smart one."  
  
With that, Snape swept from the kitchen in a swirl of black robes. Sirius stood stock-still, trying to control his breathing, as he and Lupin listened to Snape's footsteps on the stairs.  
  
"Shut up, you stupid hag!" Snape bellowed at the screeching portrait of Mrs. Black; Sirius and Lupin heard the sound of curtains being forcibly drawn, the front door creaking as it opened, the click of the lock as it shut.  
  
"Bastard," Sirius growled. "Bloody evil bastard. One of these days--"  
  
"You'll kill him," Lupin finished. "That's neither here nor there. What the hell is going on with Harry and that Umbridge woman?"  
  
Sirius ran a hand through his hair and groaned angrily. "Harry must have been caught using Umbridge's fireplace. Why the HELL did he do it? He had the damn mirror!"  
  
"He might have forgotten about the mirror," said Lupin. "The question is why he tried to contact you at all. And how Kreacher knew Harry was going to contact you."  
  
"I'm telling you, that's daft," said Sirius. "Kreacher couldn't have known Harry would try to contact me, and even if he did, Kreacher's bound to me. You know how it works with house elves. He might hate me but he wouldn't deliberately defy me. He can't, it's not in his nature. In any house elf's nature. He's stuck here. He can't even leave the house unless I say so."  
  
Lupin gasped and stared at Sirius.  
  
"What?" he asked.  
  
"Sirius, didn't you just hear yourself?" said Lupin. "Kreacher couldn't leave the house unless you said he could."  
  
"Yeah, so--" And a horror-struck expression crossed his face as he recalled what he had said to Kreacher during the Christmas holiday.  
  
"I told Kreacher to get out," he said slowly. "That night, when Harry and the Weasley kids came, the night Arthur was attacked. I told Kreacher to get out."  
  
"Is it possible--"  
  
"He can't possibly have taken that literally," said Sirius, shaking his head.  
  
"Have you ever heard of a house elf who didn't take something literally?" said Lupin.  
  
"He can't have left the house!" Sirius protested, but his widening eyes and loud voice betrayed his fear. "Where would he have gone? I'm the only living Black left!"  
  
"No, you're not," said Lupin.  
  
"The only one not incarcerated then!" Sirius said desperately.  
  
"No!" said Lupin. "Think, Sirius."  
  
Sirius was breathing hard now, completely wound up, a look like a cornered animal in his eyes. He stared at Lupin, and understood.  
  
"Narcissa."  
  
Lupin nodded.  
  
"You think Kreacher...went to Narcissa."  
  
"What other explanation could there be?" said Lupin. "Who else would he have sought out?"  
  
"But he couldn't...he wouldn't have told Narcissa about...about what he knew!" said Sirius, now pacing.  
  
"Why, because it's against his nature?" Lupin challenged. "No, Sirius. Kreacher must have gone to Narcissa. He must have told her what he knew, and he knew plenty. And Narcissa told Lucius."  
  
"So you're saying...this whole thing was planned?" said Sirius. "Somehow Lucius Malfoy or one of Voldemort's other cronies tricked Harry into trying to contact me and convinced Kreacher to distract me by injuring Buckbeak?"  
  
"I know it sounds far-fetched--"  
  
"Far-fetched?" Sirius said angrily. "It sounds like bollocks."  
  
"Sirius, we don't know why Harry tried to contact you!" said Lupin. "Don't you see? Something must have happened at school to inspire Harry to take that risk! Something to do with you. He wouldn't have risked using Umbridge's fire a second time unless it had something to do with you."  
  
Sirius stared at Lupin in horror, knowing that Lupin was right. Harry had never in his life taken so great a risk except when danger to his closest friends was involved. He never would have chanced using Umbridge's fire a second time unless something major had inspired him to do so.  
  
"But what could it possibly be?" Sirius said in a strangled kind of whisper.  
  
"I don't know," said Lupin.  
  
Sirius looked at Lupin for a long moment and then seemed to come to a decision.  
  
"I'm going to the Ministry," said Sirius, pulling his wand from the inside of his robes.  
  
"What?" said Lupin, appalled. "Are you mad?"  
  
"What else am I supposed to do, Remus, sit around this kitchen and wait to hear that Harry's been thrown out of school, or worse?"  
  
"A fine lot of good you'll do Harry if you get yourself arrested!" Lupin snapped.  
  
"Fine," said Sirius. "Then let's call Fawkes and get Dumbledore. FAWKES! FAWKES!"  
  
Any moment now, a flash of red flame would signal the appearance of Dumbledore's phoenix. Any moment now...  
  
"Fawkes!" Lupin called.  
  
But nothing happened.  
  
"What's going on?" Sirius hissed. "What the bloody hell is going on? What happened to Dumbledore?" 


	16. Chapter Sixteen: Battle

Chapter Sixteen: Battle  
  
An hour had passed since Snape had left. In that time, Lupin and Sirius had repeated their attempts to call for Fawkes, to no avail. Then they had taken to searching the house for Kreacher (Sirius threatening all the while to tie the elf to the boiler and flog him), in the hopes that he might elaborate on just why Harry had tried to contact Sirius through the fire.  
  
But their search was half-hearted at best. They quickly realized that even if they did manage to beat a confession out of Kreacher, it was unlikely that Harry had been able to tell the house elf much of anything; from what Snape had told them, it seemed as if Harry had had very little time in the fire at all before Umbridge caught him.  
  
In the end Lupin and Sirius returned to the kitchen, and this time Lupin gladly took up Sirius on an offer of firewhisky. They each downed a glass, and Sirius a second. He was just about to pour himself a third when the kitchen door burst open.  
  
It was Tonks, followed by Kingsley Shacklebolt and Mad-Eye Moody.  
  
"Tonks," said Lupin, surprised. "What are you--"  
  
"We got a message from Snape," she said quickly. "About Harry, getting caught by Umbridge."  
  
"Damn kid shoulda known better," Moody grumbled.  
  
"Be that as it may," said Kingsley, a bit loudly, "we thought we should come over right away, in case Dumbledore contacts us."  
  
"We tried to get in touch with him, but his bird didn't respond," said Lupin at once.  
  
"That's odd," said Tonks. "Surely Dumbledore knows to make himself available."  
  
"Unless he's helping Hagrid with something," suggested Kingsley. "Dumbledore might have a good reason for not being in contact."  
  
"So what, we just wait?" said Sirius bitterly. "Again?"  
  
Nobody had anything to say to this. They were all feeling the same frustration. The desire to do SOMETHING, but the inability to know just what course of action to take. Without some idea of what was happening at the school, it was impossible to know just how to protect Harry and his friends.  
  
"Who knows what that bat is doing to him," said Sirius angrily.  
  
"He hasn't shown up on the doorstep yet," said Moody gruffly. "We can take that as a good sign."  
  
"Oh, sure," said Sirius, rolling his eyes. "He might be locked in the dungeons at the school, getting beat up by security trolls, but at least he hasn't been expelled."  
  
"Black!"  
  
The sound of a sixth voice in the room caused everyone to whirl round. Severus Snape had joined them in the kitchen, so quietly that nobody had even noticed him until he'd spoken.  
  
"You again," Sirius growled. "What the hell do you want? Come to gloat about seeing Harry punished again?"  
  
"Shut up," said Snape venomously, and he turned his attention to Tonks, Kingsley, Moody and Lupin.  
  
"It's Potter," he said, his voice more agitated than usual. "He's not back yet."  
  
"Not back from where?" Lupin asked, the familiar knot in his stomach starting up again.  
  
"He went with Umbridge and the Granger girl into the Forest," said Snape.  
  
"And you didn't try to stop them?" Sirius snapped.  
  
"I wasn't aware they'd left the castle until I heard it from Draco Malfoy," Snape hissed. "Some Slytherin students caught Potter's friends trying to help him get into her fireplace and they brought them all back to her office. Umbridge took Granger and Potter into the forest, and Potter's other friends jinxed the Slytherins and got away and went into the forest as well."  
  
"And you didn't go after them?" Lupin asked, struggling not to sound accusatory.  
  
"Not at first," Snape snapped. "I figured whatever was happening, it would happen close to the grounds, and I could get to Potter afterward and tell him Black was safe. But they didn't come back out of the forest."  
  
"So Harry still thinks--"  
  
"That the Dark Lord has captured Black," said Snape. "And is holding him at the Department of Mysteries."  
  
Tonks gasped. "You don't think he would--"  
  
"Yeah, he would," said Sirius darkly. "Damn kid!"  
  
"How many besides Potter and Granger?" said Lupin.  
  
"The two Weasleys, Longbottom and Luna Lovegood were in Umbridge's office when I saw them last."  
  
"My god," said Sirius, shaking his head. "They've gone to the bloody Department of Mysteries, haven't they? Voldemort has set a trap for them. For Harry."  
  
"Well, we'll just have to go, too," said Tonks firmly. "Intercept them."  
  
"What are we waiting for, then?" said Sirius, pulling his wand from his robes.  
  
"Sirius--" Lupin began.  
  
"You can't go anywhere," said Snape coldly. "Dumbledore wants you to stay here."  
  
"I'm not staying here and letting my godson face Voldemort without me," Sirius said through clenched teeth, advancing slowly on Snape.  
  
"You'll stay here and tell Dumbledore what's happened--" Snape began, but Sirius closed the distance and grabbed Snape roughly by the collar of his robes.  
  
"Sirius--" Lupin said again.  
  
"I'm going to get Harry," said Sirius. "And if you know what's good for you, you won't stand in my way, Snivellus."  
  
Snape glared at Sirius with undisguised loathing. For a long, silent moment the two men glowered at each other, as though participating in a staring contest. It was Snape who broke contact.  
  
"It's your funeral, Black," Snape said in a low voice. "I'll get a message to Dumbledore." And he swept out of the kitchen, his black robes billowing behind him.  
  
Sirius ran a hand through his hair and then bellowed out a single word.  
  
"KREACHER!"  
  
Lupin wasn't sure what good it would do calling for the house elf now; hadn't he gone up into the attic?  
  
But amazingly, in the next moment Lupin heard slow, shuffling footsteps descend the stairs, and Kreacher the house elf appeared in the doorway.  
  
"Master called," said Kreacher bowing low. For once, he did not mutter.  
  
"I have an occupation for you," said Sirius slowly. "Stay by the fire and wait for Albus Dumbledore, d'you hear? Tell Dumbledore where I've gone. Can you do that?"  
  
"Kreacher obeys Master," said Kreacher, bowing low again. "Kreacher obeys." The house elf began to chuckle softly to himself. Sirius looked as though he wanted to kick Kreacher, but instead pursed his lips and turned to Lupin.  
  
"Well?" he said expectantly.  
  
Lupin glanced at the others and then spoke. He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Sirius shouldn't be coming. After so many months stuck inside, doing nothing, he might do something reckless. But Lupin knew nothing would stop Sirius from going to rescue his godson.  
  
"Let's go," he said. The five of them raised their wands, and with a loud CRACK that shook the whole kitchen, they disappeared.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
CRACK! Lupin blinked and found himself in the Atrium of the Ministry of Magic. Several more cracks indicated the arrival of Tonks, Kingsley, Moody and Sirius.  
  
"Let's move," said Tonks, and they started toward the lift. Tonks pressed the call button and a moment later the lift clanked in front of them, the doors sliding open. They hurried inside and Lupin pressed the button for the ninth floor. With a jolt, the lift began to clatter upward as it ascended to the ninth floor.  
  
Lupin glanced at Tonks, whose eyes were bright with fear and anticipation. He felt a rush of anxiety swirl in his stomach, and suddenly he didn't want her here. She should have stayed behind, it was too dangerous...  
  
She glanced at him again and now her expression was determined, her jaw set.  
  
Relax, Remus, he told himself. She's an Auror, she'd hate you if you dared suggest this was too dangerous for her. But in the dark of the lift he reached for her hand and squeezed it. She gave him the briefest of smiles as the elegant female voice came over the loudspeaker and said "The Department of Mysteries."  
  
The grilles opened and Lupin stepped out first. At once he heard it-- noises. Shouts. A crash.  
  
"They're in it," said Lupin grimly, as the others filed out of the lift. "Come on." They started down the dark corridor and came to the door. The door Lupin knew Harry had been dreaming about for months. The door he had already passed through, accompanied by his friends.  
  
Lupin turned to Sirius. A muscle twitched in the other man's jaw as his eyes met Lupin's.  
  
"We'll get him out," said Lupin.  
  
Sirius only nodded, and together, the five of them passed through the door into the corridor, wands out, ready for battle. Lupin reached for Tonks's hand again and found it, clutched it.  
  
"Split up," said Kingsley. "Sirius, you and Lupin take that door. Tonks, Moody and me will take this one."  
  
Lupin nodded, reluctantly letting go of Tonks's hand, and they moved to the right to the door Kingsley had indicated.  
  
The noises grew closer and suddenly Lupin heard it. A loud, shrieking laugh that sounded very familiar, and it was coming from behind the door to the Death Chamber.  
  
Sirius heard it, too, along with everyone else, and they ran forward to the door of the Death Chamber, in time to hear Bellatrix Lestrange scream, "Now, Potter, either give us the prophecy, or watch your little friend die the hard way!"  
  
This was followed by silence, footsteps. It was now or never.  
  
Lupin glanced at the others and nodded. "Now!" he hissed.  
  
Tonks and Lupin aimed their wands at their doors and both shouted "Alohomora!"  
  
The doors burst open. Lupin and Sirius exchanged one more glance.  
  
"If something happens to me," said Sirius, "look after Harry."  
  
Before Lupin could say a word, Sirius leapt through the door and into the fray. 


	17. Chapter Seventeen: Aftermath

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.  
  
A/N: Serious angst ahead. You've been warned.  
  
Chapter Seventeen: Aftermath  
  
Remus Lupin staggered into Number Twelve Grimmauld Place late the following morning. He vaguely remembered to quiet his movements so as not to wake the sleeping portraits behind the velvet curtain, and shut the door carefully behind him.  
  
The house was quiet. Still. Dark. Like a grave...  
  
Lupin closed his eyes and swallowed. He opened his eyes and started slowly up the stairs, the weight of all that had happened the night before bearing down on him like the world itself. He was filthy. His hair matted, his clothes torn. His arm was bleeding. His face was bruised. His robes were stained with blood; he tasted it on his tongue. He opened the door to his bedroom and walked, trance-like, to his bed, not caring that he was covered in blood and dirt, not caring that by collapsing onto the bed, he'd soil the freshly laundered sheets.  
  
He wanted only to sleep. To drown himself in the pillows on the bed, to blot out any and all memories of what had happened only hours ago. He rolled over onto his back, feeling the weight of the very air pressing on his chest, and he sighed out loud, squeezing his eyes shut against the burning behind them. He gritted his teeth against the ringing in his ears, the voices in his head. He clenched his fists, ignoring the stretching skin on his knuckles that split open again and began to bleed. He felt sleep steal over him like a seductive embrace. He surrendered. He felt nothing.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"TONKS!" Her name ripped from his throat like the tearing of a rag. He watched her as she fell, down, down, her body like a rag doll on the cold, hard surface of the stone seats. He ran toward her but then a Death Eater was upon him, hurling spells at him, and he was forced to fight back, to defend himself, to tear his eyes away from her limp form, that lay still, unmoving, on the floor.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lupin stirred in his sleep, tossed over onto his side, pulled a pillow over his head. He wouldn't think about Tonks, wouldn't dream about her. He squeezed his eyes shut again, and let sleep come to him once more.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Sirius! SIRIUS!"  
  
"There's nothing you can do, Harry!"  
  
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"  
  
"It's too late, Harry--"  
  
"We can still reach him--"  
  
"There's nothing you can do, Harry...nothing...He's gone."  
  
"He's not gone! SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"  
  
"He can't come back, Harry! He can't come back because he's d--"  
  
"He is NOT DEAD!"  
  
He is not dead...He is...  
  
Dead.  
  
Don't let Harry go, Lupin thought. Hold onto Harry. He'll go after Sirius through the veil if you let him go. Don't let Harry hear that it's killing you inside...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lupin sat up sharply in bed, a hoarse cry bursting from his throat. He looked round the room. Sunlight was peering through the curtains. It was well into the afternoon now. The room was tidy and organized, but for the bed on which he'd slept, which was now stained with the blood from his clothes, the sheets covered in sweat.  
  
The nightmares had come after all. He should have taken a Dreamless Sleep Draught. He would remember to do so tonight.  
  
Lupin dragged himself from the bed and walked slowly to the window, drawing the curtains open. The bright June sunlight flooded the room, blinding him for a moment. Mocking him. Utterly belying the darkness of everything. The blackness, the bleakness that filled his heart.  
  
He felt his eyes burn and he blinked hard. Some part of him told him to take a shower. To wash the night's events from his clothes, his body. To shave, to brush his teeth, to go and visit Tonks at St. Mungo's, where the healer who'd been assigned to attend her assured him that she would make a full recovery.  
  
But his legs were lead. He was frozen. Staring out the window at a dingy street, at dingy houses whose shabby appearance the sun's light did nothing to improve. A soft chiming came to his ears.  
  
He bit back a harsh laugh. Potion time again, he thought. Well, some things certainly never change.  
  
He dragged himself to his chest of drawers and pulled open the left hand drawer, took out a flask. His supply was running low again. He would need to ask Severus for more.  
  
He uncorked the flask, drank the liquid inside, grimaced against the foul taste, coughed. He stared at the other flasks in the drawer, the temptation to down all of them, to drive out the pain suffocating his chest with an overdose of wolfsbane...it was tempting. He opened the right hand drawer, put the empty flask inside, and shut both drawers together.  
  
His eyes were exhausted, burning, scratchy. He blinked again and turned back to his bed, shuffled over to it, sat down on it heavily. His burning, itchy eyes wandered to his night table, and his hand, of its own accord, strayed to the drawer, opened it, extracted the photograph within.  
  
He stared at the moving image in the small silver frame in his hands. Four boys. Young, energetic, full of life. The boy on the far left, small, skinny, with an upturned nose and a pinched face and a kind of sycophantic look in his eyes. The boy next to him, rangy but not too tall, with messy black hair, hazel eyes, wire-frame glasses, a slightly cocky but warm grin on his face. Next to the bespectacled boy, another dark-haired youth, impossibly handsome, with a laconic air of one who is supremely confident. And on the far right, a boy with sandy, light brown hair, already showing the first few strands of grey. Thin, pale, with blue-grey eyes that are full of happiness despite that ever-present haunted look behind them.  
  
He felt an aching smile touch his lips. What young idiots they had all been. So full of themselves.  
  
Lupin turned the photograph over and on the back of the frame was written eight words:  
  
THE MARAUDERS: HOGWARTS GRADUATION.  
  
WORMTAIL, PRONGS, PADFOOT, MOONY.  
  
He turned the photo back over and stared at the two men in the middle. The lanky boy with the messy black hair and glasses, and the dark haired, handsome young man next to him. The boy with the glasses made a face, and the handsome boy reached round and pulled the bespectacled boy into a headlock and relentlessly mussed his hair, as the two boys on the outside of them laughed.  
  
On the outside. As Lupin had always been. Just a little.  
  
All of them were seventeen years old when the photo had been taken.  
  
He ran his thumb lightly over the image of the handsome boy and felt a lump form in his throat. A lump so painful it became difficult to breathe. His throat worked against it, his eyes blinked, fighting it. But he couldn't stop looking at the photograph. Even as the weight of looking at it crushed his heart, he couldn't tear his eyes from it.  
  
Even as the sob broke from his throat and the tears poured down his face, he stared at the photograph. He cried for all that was lost, for all that would never come again.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lupin sat quietly next to Tonks's bed in the hospital, lightly stroking her hand. She was sleeping peacefully; her dark hair was in its natural state again, curling softly round her face. She was still pale, but the ugly bruises on her cheeks had faded. She looked like an angel. Fragile. Pure. Beautiful. He reached out and brushed a curl from her cheek.  
  
She sighed and stirred, and her eyes, her beautiful, fathomless dark eyes opened. She turned to him and smiled.  
  
"Hi," she whispered. Her voice was raspy, a side effect of the potions she had been given to cure her many injuries. Her leg was still wrapped in thick bandages. It had broken in several places and would not heal fully for another three days.  
  
"Hi," he said, his voice feeling strangled.  
  
"How long have you been here?" she asked sleepily, leaning against his hand as it caressed her cheek.  
  
"Since yesterday," he said.  
  
"I don't remember," she said sheepishly.  
  
"You were rather out of it," he said, but he couldn't smile.  
  
"Remus," she asked, looking at him with tired, searching eyes. "I know. About Sirius."  
  
Lupin swallowed hard and pursed his lips. He nodded.  
  
Tears filled her eyes then. "He...he always was my favorite cousin," she whispered.  
  
Lupin felt his eyes burn. He couldn't speak. He couldn't bear to say his name. He couldn't bear to think of him. The only thing he could do right now was take her in his arms and cling to her, so he did. He held her against him as she cried softly into his shoulder, stroked her hair, held her like a lifeline. A tear fell down Lupin's face and into her hair. They stayed like that for a long time.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Tonks left St. Mungo's three days later, fully healed. She returned to Grimmauld Place with Lupin, who was growing more and more tired as the full moon approached. They hardly talked, seeming to find comfort only in silence.  
  
The house itself was as funereal as it could possibly be. Lupin hadn't seen a trace of Kreacher since that night. Perhaps the house elf had finally escaped this place for good, and taken up with the Malfoys.  
  
Tonks, meanwhile, seemed to find renewed energy by tackling the portraits behind the velvet curtain. She managed to destroy all but the portrait of Mrs. Black.  
  
"I think there's an Indestructible Charm on it," Tonks quipped, yanking the drapes shut in resignation.  
  
Lupin didn't care much. He focused on cleaning out the remaining vestiges of the Black family from the house; it was the one thing that allowed him to vent his anger at that whole horrible family for the cruelties they had visited on the world, on Sirius, whose only crime had been to be a good man.  
  
At night, Lupin found solace in Tonks's arms. They made love frantically, as though it was the one thing keeping them alive.  
  
The morning of the full moon came. Lupin drank his potion as scheduled. Tonks went about the house cleaning, leaving Lupin alone. Molly, Arthur and Bill Weasley showed up that morning; Molly cooked a lavish breakfast that Lupin could hardly stand to eat. Molly, Arthur, Bill and Tonks tackled the house with renewed vengeance, leaving Lupin alone in his room to rest, to prepare for the night to come. Tonks seemed almost to be avoiding him.  
  
The afternoon came; Lupin didn't bother to go down for lunch. Tonks brought him a tray, kissed him softly on the cheek, and left again. She was under the mistaken impression that he wanted to be alone. But he could not find the energy to ask her to stay with him.  
  
The Weasleys left at dusk. Lupin didn't bother to say goodbye, but he had a feeling they would not take offense. Instead he entered his room. He placed the bowl of water in the corner by the fireplace, next to the platter of raw meat. He slowly began to peel off his clothes. He stripped naked, fetched a flask from the drawer, and crawled into bed, exhaling softly as the cool sheets brushed against his skin. He closed his eyes, feeling sleep already steal over him, when a soft knock sounded outside the door.  
  
"Remus?"  
  
"Come in," he called weakly.  
  
Tonks came in and started toward the bed; she stumbled slightly, grinned sheepishly, and for the first time in days, Lupin smiled.  
  
"I'm glad my clumsiness is good for something," she said. She crossed tentatively to the bed.  
  
"It's nearly time," he said softly. The had disappeared over the horizon. The last traces of day were vanishing. All that remained was for the moon to rise. A soft chime sounded. Lupin drank the contents of the flask.  
  
"I know," said Tonks.  
  
He set the flask down on the night table and looked at her.  
  
"Stay with me," he whispered, taking her hand.  
  
She swallowed. "Are you sure? You're not afraid you might...you might hurt me?"  
  
"I am," he said. "But...I'm more afraid of being alone. I haven't been left alone...during a transformation...since I was a boy. Sirius used to--"  
  
She put a finger to his lips. "I'll stay," she said softly. "I'll always stay."  
  
He felt, rather than saw, the sky begin to change.  
  
"You should...stand back..." he whispered, feeling the familiar tightening in his chest.  
  
She nodded, and climbed off the bed, her eyes wide and slightly fearful.  
  
"Don't...make any sudden movements," he said, his voice struggling. "Try not...to be afraid...I'll smell it on you..."  
  
"Okay," she said, nodding.  
  
"Have your wand...ready..." he choked. "Just in case..."  
  
"Remus..." Her voice was distant now, far away, as moonlight streamed into the bedroom, beautiful and cold.  
  
"Nymphadora," he rasped. It was the last thing he said.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The wolf blinked and rose from the bed, sniffing the air. Something was different tonight. Something was off. His eyes scanned the room. Empty. Where was the black dog? The black dog had always been here before, to play with him, to keep him company.  
  
The wolf leapt off the bed and shook, then sniffed the air again. The smell of meat was near. He was hungry. He ambled over to the platter of meat, the bowl of water. He began to eat, but it wasn't quite right. The black dog had always watched him. The black dog had never taken his meat, but he'd always been there to watch him.  
  
The wolf finished eating, licked the blood from his lips, and let his eyes wander the room again. Nothing. He trotted over to the window and let his eyes move to the big bright ball outside, above his head. He threw back his head and howled, then whipped his head back to the black dog, who was sitting by the fireplace.  
  
Except that the black dog was not there. The wolf barked, but the dog didn't bark back. The dog wasn't there.  
  
For some reason this bothered the wolf. He threw back his head and howled again, and again. Why wouldn't the black dog come?  
  
A noise startled the wolf and he whirled around. His eyes fell on something. Someone.  
  
Not the black dog. Not a dog at all. A human.  
  
He growled and felt his hackles raised. Humans didn't come near him; he didn't trust humans. Humans had hurt him before, in the past. And this human--female, by her scent--she was afraid. He could smell that on her, too. She opened her mouth and made a sound.  
  
"Hi."  
  
The wolf growled again. She looked into his eyes. She had a stick in her right hand.  
  
"Easy," she said. The wolf sat back on his haunches. This human was afraid but she was moving slowly. Her hand was out, her palm up. He sniffed again. The fear was still there. He growled just a little. To let her know. He was the alpha. She would submit.  
  
"Easy," she said again. Her voice sounded soothing, somehow, even if it shook a little. She came closer, her palm still up, her eyes still locked with his. The growl died in his throat. She was not dangerous. She put the stick on the ground. He thought briefly of picking it up in his teeth and chewing it, but he was more interested in the human.  
  
She reached him and knelt down, left herself be submissive to his attack, if he chose to do so. But he didn't. He sniffed her outstretched palm. Human flesh--he knew the smell. Female, he knew that, too. The smell of fear was diminishing. He licked the palm of her hand. Female taste. Somehow, he knew that as well.  
  
Very slowly she reached up and scratched him behind the ears. He pulled back for a moment--nobody had done that before--but she reached out further and scratched him there again, and he leaned into her hand. It felt very good, this scratching. He felt his front paws slide out toward the woman and he sank to the floor, his belly on the cool tile. The woman sat down next to him and stroked the top of his head.  
  
The wolf began to feel very sleepy. Something was not right about tonight, with the black dog gone. Normally he would have played a little, frolicked some. But he was too tired. And he didn't know if this human would want to play. And it felt very nice, the way she was stroking the top of his head.  
  
"You're not so bad," he heard her whisper in a friendly kind of voice. He lowered his chin to the floor and closed his eyes, letting the human female stroke the top of his head as he fell asleep.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Morning sun slanted into the bedroom and warmed Lupin's face. He wasn't ready to wake up. It was too comfortable, too soft...  
  
He blinked and opened his eyes. He was naked, under a pile of blankets, but he was in bed, not on the floor. He turned on his side to find Tonks there, lying beside him, fully clothed, her wand clutched in her hand. She was sleeping heavily, her mouth slightly open.  
  
He smiled and felt a wave of relief. He had made it through the night with her next to him. He hadn't hurt her.  
  
He brushed a strand of dark hair from her face, wishing she would always leave her hair soft and dark and curly like that, and she murmured in her sleep, then opened her eyes slowly.  
  
"Good morning," she whispered, smiling sleepily.  
  
"Yes, it is," he whispered, wrapping an arm round her. "I usually wake up on the floor after the full moon."  
  
"I levitated you here," she said. "How do you feel?"  
  
"Exhausted," he said truthfully. "Wrung out. Like my best friend just died. Like the most incredible woman in the world stayed with me through my darkest hour and helped me survive."  
  
She bit her lip. "That's...so sweet, Remus," she said, blushing.  
  
"What makes you think I was talking about you?" said Lupin, grinning broadly.  
  
"Wha--Remus!" She grabbed and pillow and swatted him on the head with it.  
  
"Ouch!" he said, laughing. He couldn't believe he was laughing, but somehow it seemed like the only thing to do right then.  
  
"Serves you right," she said, pretending to pout.  
  
He pulled her closer to him.  
  
"Remus," she murmured. "What will happen...to this place?"  
  
Lupin stopped stroking her hair for a moment and considered.  
  
"I don't know," he answered. "I suppose we could still use it as a Headquarters."  
  
"What about you?" she asked.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Will you...stay here?" she asked. "I mean...continue...to live here?"  
  
"I hadn't thought about it," he said, feeling the sadness come over him, not sure he wanted to contemplate the future, having to spend more time in this house. Even with her there, the memories couldn't be erased...  
  
"Do you think..." she said slowly, "...you might like...to come and live with me?"  
  
He pushed back from her just slightly to look at her face.  
  
"Live with you?"  
  
"Yeah," she said, and then she was talking very fast. "I mean, I don't have a very big place and I'm kind of a messy person and I know you're really neat and organized but I was sort of thinking maybe you'd do better outside of this place. I mean it is really depressing here, even if...even if we've had some nice times here. Maybe you'd like it better, you know away from here. And...and you know, my flat's in a pretty decent neighborhood and all and...I'm really busy at work these days...well, you know that...but it's not like I'd be in your hair all the time and--"  
  
"Tonks," he said, interrupting her nervous chatter as a smile crept over his face. "I'd love that."  
  
"You--you would?"  
  
"Yes," he said. "Getting out of this house...sounds like a dream come true."  
  
She smiled shyly at him. "You're the dream come true," she whispered, then she laughed and blushed. "God, that sounded corny, didn't it?"  
  
"No, it sounded rather sweet, actually," he said. "Nymphadora."  
  
"Don't call me that," said Tonks.  
  
"I think I might," he said. "I really like that name. Nymphadora."  
  
"Don't, Remus," she warned.  
  
"Nymphadora," he said again, grinning.  
  
"I'm warning you," she said, grabbing for another pillow. But then Lupin rolled over onto her and pinned her to the mattress, holding her wrists with his hands.  
  
"I love you, Nymphadora," he said softly. His eyes became soft and serious.  
  
She blinked and bit her lip again. "Well, when you...when you say it like that...I guess...Nymphadora doesn't sound...THAT bad."  
  
He responded by kissing her slowly. He was indeed exhausted, wrung out, but as he felt her tongue press against his and her hands tangle in his hair, he felt only the sensations of that very moment.  
  
He kissed her harder, and she shifted beneath him, giving him access to the buttons of her blouse. He slowly started to undo them, then looked at her face. She reached up and brushed a lock of hair from his eyes.  
  
"I love you, Remus," she whispered. He kissed her again, hands working at the buttons.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
They made love one last time in his bedroom; afterward, Tonks jokingly referred to it as their "farewell fuck."  
  
"Such a lady you are," said Lupin. "I thought calling you Nymphadora might clean up that mouth of yours."  
  
"You like my dirty mouth," said Tonks suggestively, as they climbed down the stairs, "and you know it."  
  
"Guilty as charged," he said, taking her hand and kissing it.  
  
They walked quietly down the stairs, Lupin carrying his small, beat-up suitcase in his hand, the other clutching Tonks's hand. They came to the front door and opened it. Sunshine poured into the foyer, and for a brief moment, the gloom of the house lifted. Lupin closed his eyes and let the sun hit his face.  
  
"Ready to go fetch Harry?" she asked, shielding her eyes from the sun.  
  
"Ready," he said. They walked outside and Lupin heard the door behind them shut. They started away from the house and Lupin turned back long enough to see it shrink into nothing.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
They met Harry at King's Cross. Lupin bit back the lump in his throat. Harry looked thinner; he couldn't have eaten much of anything in the past week. His green eyes were haunted; they would be haunted for some time.  
  
But they brightened, a little, to see everyone there, standing with him, on his side. They showed the smallest glimmer of hope when Lupin, Tonks and Moody approached the Dursleys and warned them to treat Harry with respect. They even crinkled just slightly with humor when Moody revealed to Vernon Dursley his sinister-looking magical eye and Dursley yelped in fear.  
  
As Lupin watched Harry move off with his relatives, he remembered the last words Sirius had spoken to him, just outside the doors to the Death Chamber.  
  
"I will, mate," Lupin whispered. "I promise." Lupin watched Harry as he stepped onto the escalator; Harry turned round once more to look at his friends, and waved. Lupin felt renewed prickling behind his eyes as Harry's eyes fell on him and waved, smiling sadly all the while.  
  
"Remus."  
  
Tonks was there, her voice soft in his ear. The Weasleys the Grangers were already heading up the escalators, saying their goodbyes at the top, going their separate ways. Until next term.  
  
He turned to Tonks and took her hand. Moody coughed and moved away from them discreetly.  
  
"Shall we go home, then?" she said.  
  
He looked at her for a moment, and the memories of the past week came rushing into him like a flood. All the pain, all the loss. All the hope. Tonks embodied that hope. He knew, in the end, he would be okay. He pulled her close to him and whispered into her now bubble-gum pink hair.  
  
"I am home."  
  
THE END  
  
A/N: Thanks to all who read and especially to those who reviewed. Writing that last chapter was just a bit hellish, so once I've recovered I think I'll write another fluffy thing. 


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